Hares: Beetle Juice, Krusty, Rusty Dick
Where: Beatle Juice's Love Palace, 60 Hawkwood Hill NW
As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly — Arthur Carlson, the Big Guy, after his Thanksgiving turkey promotion on WKRP in Cincinnati turned disastrous
Calgary hashers have so much for which to be thankful, including that they weren't bombed with live turkeys dropped from a helicopter, as customers at the fictional Pinedale Shopping Mall were one lovely Thanksgiving Day in the Queen City oh so many years ago.
Which isn't to say hashers made it through Canadian Turkey Day unscathed, not with innumerable hills to make muscles ache. Oh, the humanity, WKRP newsman Les Nessman could have said as hashers trudged up another hill, not since the Hindenburg...
The turkeys are hitting the ground like bags of wet cement, Nessman said, although he could also have been referring to panting and weary hashers.
But not to worry, there was a beer regroup for liquid carbo loading — as well as supplying the daily recommended amount of hops, grain and barley — and then a short jaunt back to the Beetle Dome, where hashers consumed mass quantities of turkey, ham, gravy, dressing, more gravy, mashed potatoes, salads, rolls, gravy, cakes, pies, ice cream and more gravy.
It was a Food Overload Extravaganza that would have made Mama Cass insanely jealous. Yes, if she had given Karen Carpenter just half her ham sandwich, both would be alive today. There was so much food, Valerie Bertinelli never would have dreamed of going on her Jenny Craig Big Britches and Whine diet. She'd now weigh 400 pounds and be as happy as a dozen clams.
Skewbic could have painted Goodyear across his back, and gotten a job as a blimp. Skinny Aussie-American-Canadian Pink Meat rolled to the car in a wheelbarrow. Even Shack Shock was loading up on food, although, in fairness, she's just about to travel to India and needs replenishment to ward off 10-foot cobras and guard monkeys, who may or may not provide protection.
Hashers gathered on a sun-splashed Turkey Day afternoon at the Beetle Dome, somewhere just outside Cochrane, to follow a trail set by Krusty, Rusty Dick and Beetle Juice, sort of. Krusty and Rusty led the pack around Hawkwood, Hawkville, Hawkland, and Peckerwood before returning to where all the food was.
GM Skewbic, voted the Calgary hash's Turkey of the Year, tried to make sure business got done rather quickly, only so the food wouldn't get cold. Guest RA Master Beater, who, as an American, was getting a Thanksgiving freebie, handed out down-downs in an effort to get done before midnight. For example:
By the end of the day, hashers were, by and large, living in turkey-induced stupors and comas. On the bright side, Thanksgiving only comes once a year, as God as my witness, as the Big Guy might say.
Duke of Hurl
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