Run #1529 - Fart-o-rama #19

August 16, 2010

Hares: Dreary and Mum
Where: Fish Creek Park - Glenfield Meadows
On-In: Dreary and Mum's Pleasure Palace
Big Rock: Somewhere bretween the ranger and the Mormons
Attendance: 39

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Why, there was so little chili left from the 119th annual Fart-A-Rama that Mum didn't even have to lick the pots like she usually does.

Maybe the trek through the tall grass and waterways of Fish Creek Park just made hashers hungry. Or maybe Hoosier was just a Little Pig wanting to become a Big Pig. Or possibly everyone was just happy they weren't soaked to the bone and freezing cold, as had been the case at too many recent hashes.

Whatever the reason, the chili — which included mild, vegetarian, medium, hot and call the fire department — disappeared faster than Rag Head on one of his speeding motorcycles.

Believe it or not, hashers gathered on a sun-kissed, warm August evening at the Glennfield parking lot at Fish Creek Park next to MacLeod Trail to follow a route laid by Dreary, Mum and evil spawn Jaws, who had spent months and months in hospital after his latest skating accident. Jaws came equipped with a new brain, as well as prosthetic legs and arms, to navigate his way around.

Hashers, or at least only the religious ones, worked their way through the grounds of St. Mary's University College and Day Care Centre for the Studies of Priest Pedophilia, wandered through the tall prairie grass and sticker-y things, across tributaries of Fish Creek and onto the beer re-group — all while dodging Ranger Rick and a Mormon menage a trois.

The Mormons weren't too bothersome, figuring that hashers' souls are beyond saving. And Ranger Rick got bought off with a couple Big Rocks. Then it was back to the parking lot and onto Chez Dreary and Mum, the pleasure palace where so many unspeakable things have happened, both hash-related and otherwise. Who could forget the horrible drug-related murder in the Barn parking lot on 06-06-06? The killer finally admitted his dirty deed, and as punishment, was asked not to do it again.

Guest RA Master Beater, minus his Queen's outfit, thankfully conducted business before hashers began their chili burps, although the only reason he picked Peeler, Abandoned Pussy and Hardly for the choir was because of a massive brain fart. Mr. Beater also scared off the young, enthusiastic, impressionable reporter from Mount Royal University's Calgary Journal with twisted hashing tales. She claims she'll show up again, which may or may not happen.

Then it was onto hash business. For instance:

• Hash dog Luna was recognized for her 6th birthday — Happy birthday, dear Luna, happy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuu. Lay 'Em claimed she drank beer, but Luna would have none of that. For unrelated reasons, Lay 'Em got to keep the Hash Thingy another week.
   
• Peeler drank for her 69th run, which took her about 14 years to reach,. Too much fishing and camping obligations, or something like that.
   
• Nicki became Frog-o-dile Hunter on her third run after she thought Duke called out `Frog' when he actually said log. She then went into full frog protection mode, having heard grisly stories about the infamous Fish Creek frogs, which have terrorized park users for generations. Sadly, she likes her name.
   
• Auntie Frank got to drink for a joke he told to the missing Clueless about a rock in his shoe being a form of Italian birth control. Huh? The rock, you see, makes him limp. After 20 minutes of explanation from Auntie Frank, Clueless finally figured it out.

  
   

• Hyena, the lazy bugger, got a down-down for standing on a bridge and telling hashers which way they should go — when he had absolutely no intent of actually following trail himself. In a similar vein, noted megalomaniac Hash Test was busted for ordering hashers around, as if hashers would ever take direction from anybody.
   
• Alleged Brit ex-pat Roaring Nancy got to drink for making Master Beater way too excited, and having flashbacks that he was seeing his old classmate, Sweaty Betty. And, no, Pink Meat did not use the name Sweaty Betty in a previous life.
   
• Noted non-singer Beetle Juice drank for using sex as a weapon to avoid singing in the choir, which may mean she promised it to Master Beater if she wasn't chosen. Stay tuned, as they say. Then there was Dickens Cider, who was hazing hashers for some unexplained reason.
   
• Whale Wanker was cited for his attempt to become an American Republican, putting away his ratty 70s shorts for once and dressing almost presentably. All he lacked was a golf visor and he could easily have passed for a Tundra Barbie supporter.

  Mr. Wanker apparently loaned the shorts to Rag Head, who, along with his pasty-white legs, made for a horrific sight.
   

• Little Red Riding Hood of Death got to drink for being an insect prophylactic, and Humidor drank a beer after it had washed across her brand-new sandals.
   
• Dreary and Jaws ended up drinking for Dreary referring to him as "fruit of my loins", which prompted everyone else in the hash to get rip-roaring drunk in an attempt to erase that vision from their minds.

As the night ended and the pots of chili were emptied, all that was left was the burping and passing gas. And then some more, on through the rest of the week.

On-On!

Duke of Hurl

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