Run #1522 - Evolution of a Red Queen

July 5, 2010

Hares: Ginger Stripe & Dreary
Where: Tops Pizza and Steakhouse No 3, 7-5602 4 Street NW, Calgary, AB
Big Rock: I'll have Trad. The one with the red label
Attendance: 29

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She's probably the greatest Queen since Freddie Mercury, or maybe even Elton John. She's Prince Chuck's hot n' sexy momma. She was once a forgotten part of Sir Winston Churchill's harem, but rose to great heights.

She wears a tiara with regal aplomb — she's a world-famous woman, a monarch, a highway between Calgary and Edmonton.

Yes, she's Queen Elizabeth, and who knew she'd carve time out of her ultra-busy schedule and visit the Calgary hash as she made her way across Canada amid all the little people, her loyal and not-so-loyal subjects?

But there she was, in the flesh, hanging out in Top's pizza and pub on 4th Street NW, dispensing her brand of English justice. Surprisingly, she looked remarkably well-preserved, especially after almost 60 years on the throne.

Oh, sure, her eyesight is going, considering she thought Master Beater resembles Robert Redford. Probably not even a geriatric Redford under the most favoutable light, not in a million years.

But that's just picking a nit. It was The Queen, in all her regal splendour, handling hash business after a run set by Dreary and virgin co-hare Ginger Spice or Ginger Snap or the Gingerbread Man, or something like that.

Hashers gathered on a rather cool and blustery early July evening to follow a trail set by the Ginger People — something about redheads having better sex, although rumour has it that Dreary is an exception to that less-than-ironclad rule. It also marked the fifth straight day of hashing, which is why some hashers' tongues were down around their shoelaces as they made their way down the trail.

The pack wandered the streets in the shadow of Nose Hill, and even had a view check at the under-construction McMansion of Auntie Frank and Hash Test, who apparently were too busy with renos to even leave their front yard.

Hashers eventually made it back to the bar, where the Queen — resplendent in a blue dress — handed out down-downs. For instance:

• Dr. Fill got busted for arguing rather vehemently with Master Beater the previous week that there was no way on earth the Queen was visiting Calgary as she made her way across Canada. Not so fast, Dr. Fill.
   
• Since Americans celebrated the 4th of July the previous day, the Queen thought it appropriate to declare Anti-Independence Day.

  In honour of the occasion, Americans and quasi-Americans Duke of Hurl, Pink Meat and Pull My Woody did down-downs with godawful US swill, apparently Bud Light. Major ick.
   

• Sticky Lips got to drink in honour of French Canadians everywhere, mostly just because. But Sticky's Enthusiasm Meter was running a little low after her encounter with too many Beergaritas at the Hangover Run the previous day.
   
• There were around 10 hashers who got down-downs for hashing all five days — Red Deer, Red Dress, the LRT hash to commemorate the 1500th, the Hangover and the Ginger Thing. But they also drank the swill, so it wasn't much of a reward.
   
• Lay 'Em was cited for his 369th run, which means he's wasted, er, spent around $1,100 in his pursuit of the Holy Grail, more or less.
   
• There was a naming, where Rowan became Snow White, just like that.
   
• Sucks Everything got a down-down for his Girl Guides Camp Counselor t-shirt, which probably has a story behind it that's too lurid to tell in public.
   
• Flat, aka Big Fat Liar, got busted for saying true trail went that way, when it really didn't. He got a down-down when he pulled the same stunt last time, but it obviously had no effect. Prune juice will be next.
   
• Men-O-Pause wore a t-shirt that suggested that if Canadian beer is too strong, then those who think it is should leave our fair country. Yet Mr. Pause left early from the Saturday hash, apparently because he was too much of a wuss to handle Canadian beer. Go figure.
   
• The Queen was highly upset with Dreary and Mum, whose map was wrong because of their apparent inability to read and write. The Queen said she hadn't witnessed that much confusion since the Franklin expedition to Way Up North.
   
• Thunder Tits was recognized for picking up a tiny, little man — no, not Inspector Butt — on trail.
   
• Pink Meat was lucky hash business was over when she tried to stiff the poor, overworked, undersexed waitress, who was savvy enough to catch Ms. Meat just before she got out the door.

  The Queen would have been exceedingly angry to learn about it, but she was already back at her luxury suite, preparing for her visit to the Gopher Hole Museum in Torrington the next day.

God Save the Queen, indeed.

On-On!

Duke of Hurl

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