Run #1517 - Can't We All Just Go A Long, Long Way?
May 31, 2010
Hare: Lost In Space
Big Rock: at happy hour prices!
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If he'd only have added a kilometer here and a kilometer there, Lost in
Space's hash trail could have served as Calgary Marathon Day 2.
Who knew that Mr. Space knew the M-word route so well — running across
the Calgary Zoo bridge, the opposite way from the marathon, check.
Mandering past the south entrance to the zoo, just like the real race,
Not to mention running part of the marathon course in Bridgeland, and
even crossing the route near the marathon start-finish line.
Oh, and taking hashers down the road toward the Bridgeland LRT station,
just like the real runners had to do after their day concluded.
Yes, Lost summoned his inner skinny Kenyan — OK, no, not really — to
construct a looooooooooooooong trail that left tongues hanging out and
hashers wishing there was a beer stop somewhere.
Of course, Lost lubed up the hash in the circle with shots of Everclear,
which serves as his mouthwash and can also run a jet airplane engine.
It's two, two, two mints in one.
Everclear didn't help much when hashers were trying to navigate false
trails that were about as long as the last leg in the Timbits Marathon,
which was 1.2km.
At least it was an unseasonably cool evening, rather than scorching hot
— all the better to give the marathoners, er, hashers a slight reprieve
from Lost's particular brand of trail insanity.
After their trip around Bridgeland and heaven knows where else, hashers
gathered in Swan's bar on 9th for down-downs handed out by Guest RA
Chick Lick, who apparently was stood up by her close personal friend,
Mucky "She's Dead to Me" Dip.
A visibly shaken and angry Ms. Lick then made an unfortunate choice for
the choir, which included Randy Bastard, Dreary and Whale Wanker, who
apparently was a failed opera singer in a previous life. Mr. Wanker's
singing made more ears bleed than Celine Dion could ever hope to
There were plenty of reasons for Ms. Lick to hand out beer. Among them:
As the night wound down, Lost in Space was planning his next marathon
training session, and figured the best way to do it was to make sure
there was plenty of Everclear in his water bottles.
- Randy Bastard drank for his 250th run — the worst $747 he's ever
spent — and Dastardly got a down-down for his 500th, which was a
$1,497-sized waste of money. Dastardly also managed to make it to the
circle on time, which was only the second time he's done it in his life.
- In another shocker, Snevil was actually on trail, or so she claimed.
Either way, she got a beer for it. At the other end of the shocking
spectrum, Dementia forgot to bring the Hash Thingy, ho hum.
- Dementia also got to drink again for her vertigo impression while
crossing a bridge. She managed to crawl across it on her hands and
knees, and apparently wasn't even drunk at the time.
- Clueless the Jugless got a down-down, and managed to show her new
birthday bra, not once, but twice.
- Lay'Em ignored Dr. Fill's warning in the circle about keeping hash
dogs on leash, and allowed Luna to cross a busy road twice. The poor
thing almost got hit twice.
- Whale Wanker and Sucks Everything got busted for a sexual offence,
which involved the BC-oid telling Sucks that he has defective genitalia,
something about thinking abot sex then getting horny 30 minutes later.
Sucks was also cited for picking up dirty needles along the route, which
may or may not have had anything to do with his bad genitals.
- Master Beater and Sticky Lips were engaged in a tawdry conversation
about sex in a porta-potty, which was something akin to their version of
the Mile High Club on the ground.
- Hardly was a bad, bad unit, erasing an arrow that Lost in Space had so
thoughtfully laid near the Bridgeland LRT station, and pointing the mark
in the other direction. Poor King Shit and Lamb Guts ran almost all the
way to Edmonton Trail as a result of Hardly's indiscretion. But like a
true sociopath, it didn't bother him a bit.
- FIGJAM and Happy Beaver got quite frightened during the run, but it
was only because they thought the giant dinosaur at the Calgary Zoo was
real. No telling what would have happened if they saw a live bear or
You know, just like normal.
Duke of Hurl
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