Run #1513 - A Tale of Two Grizzlies
May 3, 2010
Where: Griffiths Woods Parking Lot, Discovery Ridge Cove SW
Big Rock: On-In!
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The Sunshine Boys, otherwise known as Pyro and Randy Bastard, sounded
more like spoiled, rich, whiny schoolgirls from a Quebec boarding school
than they did grizzled veteran hashers with 153 years of on-on
experience between them.
Oh, they didn't want to get their feet wet in the chilly waters of the
Elbow River. The horizontal pelting snow-rain-wind-ice
balls-frogs-locusts were too much for them to handle. They just wanted
their warm blankies and a roaring fireplace.
Poor babies, suck it up Buttercups.
But instead of actually heading back to their vehicles from the trail,
they wandered the pathways in Griffith Woods, and when they were nowhere
to be found, it prompted a massive hash search party.
Master Beater and others looked high and low for the old coots, scouring
the muddy riverbanks, and just hoping they didn't wash into the
Weaselhead and Glenmore Reservoir.
"Pyro," hashers called as they wandered through the not-yet-frozen
woods. "Are you?"
He wasn't — until he was, when Mr. Beater came upon the bedraggled
pair and returned them to safety at Shillelagh's bar, where there were
no tearful reunions, or anything even close.
Hey, there was beer to be drunk, and wings to be scarfed — not to
mention down-downs handed out by Guest RA Duke of Hurl. For instance:
- Hyena was gracious enough — imagine that — to pull off a
live hare on his 100th run. The Laughing One was hoping for +20 and
sunny, but no such luck. Lucky was when the hash crossed Indian land
without getting shot by flaming arrows, or whatever Indians use.
- Pyro earned the Hash Thingy right off the bat for his impersonation of
a kid who was left on a short yellow school bus, then spent the rest of
the day wandering aimlessly down the street. Mr. Bastard also got a
down-down for his continued whining at the bar about how everybody was
worried about Pyro and calling out his name, but nobody was worried
about him. Poor baby.
- Baby and Master Beater got down-downs for their sartorial eloquence,
Mr. Beater for his jeans with a ginormous hole in the knee, and Baby for
his sky-blue rain hat, which sorta made him look like a meterosexual
Crocodile Dundee. Baby also wrested the Hash Thingy away from Pyro
because of his general grumpiness when asked about his hat.
- Beetlejuice drank for her encounter with a shoe-sucking mudhole next
to the river, which left her with one shoe on and the other in five feet
of mud that Inspector Butt finally fished out.
- Mr. Butt got his own down-down for noticing that King Shit was clean
shaven for once, which was kinda gay. Inspector refused to comment on
whether his favourite band was AC/DC, or maybe Queen.
- Buried Pleasure was flashing some major Cracker Jack bling, which
apparently had something to do with Dr. Fill. Oh, those crazy kids these
- Pull My Woody was probably the most popular hasher on trail because
just about everybody ratted him out for Wet Willie-related offences,
including Wet Willie chasing a beaver.
- Sticky Lips, not the beaver in question, got busted for actually
working on Monday, proving that she doesn't steal money from Canadian
taxpayers all the time, just most days.
- Abandoned Pussy drank as a representative of all those who were stupid
enough to follow an American, Duke of Hurl, while driving in Canada. Ms.
P got to visit a roundabout for her troubles.
- The number of hashers who didn't run but showed up later — Whale
Wanker, Sucks Everything, Shagadelic, Over Done, the list goes on
— was pretty astounding. As punishment, none of them got a
As the night wore on, the rain/snow/whatever got worse, and even more
horizontal — making the drive home kind of a pain.
Surprisingly, rumour has it the Sunshine Boys made it to their vehicles
without their tampons getting wet or their toes turning blue.
Duke of Hurl
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