Run #1503 - The Sparkly Winter Fairy Run

February 22, 2010

Hares: Booty Camp, Brokeback Mount Me, & Xena, Warrior Princess
Where: Big Al's, 1915 - 31ST SE
Big Rock: ...and Jello shooters too!
Attendance: 40

Click here for Photos!

Even if it was an accident, it probably was still appropriate that Princess Sparkle Pony and Her Court — Booty Camp, Xena and Little Red Riding Hood of Death, in some order — hosted their sorta gay-kinda fairy night at the hash.

After all, what was playing on the TVs in Big Al's bar on the rough, tough mean streets of Forest Lawn but ice dance, aka one of the contenders for gold in the Gayest Olympic Event competition. As ice dance figurines competed on TV, Elton John and Kiki Dee's Don't Go Breaking My Heart wafted across the bar from the sound system.

The sequined mannequins with poofed up hair of ice dance were in hot competition with figure skating and men's double luge for the coveted gold medal in GOE.

Even CTV fossil Brian Williams was having a hard time choosing among the faux sports.

For instance, figure skating had Johnny Weir, enough said. With its arcane rules that don't allow the male to toss the female in the air and the requirement that they don't skate too far from one another, ice dance is kinda like Figure Skating Lite.

Then there's men's doubles luge, where manly men in skin-tight lycra spoon their way down an icy run so they can hug and slap each other in the end, er, at the end. As one Canadian luger said, when asked why so many brothers compete in doubles luge: It's less awkward that way, for one thing.

It certainly is.

When he was a boy in Saskatchewan, Sucks Everything always dreamed of becoming a figure skater, or, in the alternative, a doubles luger. Truth be told, he kinda favoured figure skating because he liked the outfits better.

Shutter Slut preferred ice dance, although he still owns his prized collection of figure skater trading cards, featuring 162 shots of Johnny Weir in all his pinkness. Mr. Slut figures he could finance 134 roundtrips from Calgary to Istanbul if he ever put his card collection on EBay. But it ain't gonna happen.

Sucks and Shutter Slut's eyes were riveted on the TVs inside the bar as Canadians Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir skated their way to gold. Ah, what a glorious night. Winning gold in a non-sport certainly wipes away the disappointment of Team Canada losing to the US in men's hockey.

Oh, yeah, and there was a hash too, as the pack — many wearing angel wings or sparkly fairy garb — gathered in a chilly parking lot to follow an icy, snowy trail around Forest Lawn and Dover, or what passes for the hood in Calgary.

Crunch, crunch, crunch, up and down the streets they trudged, amid the characters of Forest Lawn. There was the woman in her van with her kid who sat, and sat and sat, at an intersection. When hashers waved her through, she gave the pack the finger and sped away.

Then there was the one-toothed woman who asked in a whisper what all the runners were about. She seemed pleased when told it was a benefit run for the Canadian Uvula Association. Various and sundry Creatures of the Night simply staggered past silently when hashers came near them.

Everyone eventually returned to the bar, where Guest RA Dreary handed out high-volume down-downs for this and that.

• Colonel Felcher, er Belcher, was named for her world-class Olympian-like ability to belch all the way across a crowded, noisy bar. Or even a not crowded, quiet one.
   
• Shutter Slut got the Hash Thingy for wrongfully writing in the previous week's scribe that Dreary won the Hash Thingy. Poor guy does the hash a favour by writing the scribe, and still gets his chops busted — both for his minor error and now for his love of Olympic figure skaters.
   
• Master Beater should have gotten a down-down for refusing to take off his teen-aged daughter's tutu and wings — perfect for figure skating or ice dance — even though hash business was over. Mr. Beater did say, though, that he was a little nervous running by himself in the hoods while dressed like that — something about not wanting to squeal like a pig.
   
• Pink Meat celebrated her first day at her new job — something about being able to steal money and information from a financial institution — by forgetting to bring her hash clothes. So she became gold medal favourite for best-dressed hasher.
   
• Mum was awarded a down-down for confusing the fairy theme with Easter and St. Patrick's Day. At least her droopy bunny ears and the St. Pat's thing-a-ma-bob she bought for Dreary will still be good for a while longer, at least through the Closing Ceremonies.
   
• Snowblower grew a Fu Manchu so he could root for some country, China maybe, and Auntie Frank was still hoping Italy could burst through and win 20 golds in something — maybe priest and altar boys' doubles luge.
   
• Canadian Olympic officials admitted that Own the Podium was actually a reference to a home furnishings sale at The Brick, and wasn't intended as any indicator that Canada would perform at a terribly high level in the medal count.
   
• As the 2010 Vancouver Games wound toward their conclusion, Canada was still a heavy favourite in one sport: Olympic snowman building. Ethiopia and Ghana were expected to challenge the Red and White, but not too seriously.

  The snowman competition gave noted Canadian whiner Mellisa Hollingsworth another chance to redeem herself for her 5th-place skeleton finish, assuming her tears didn't melt the snowguy.

O, Canada.

On-On!

Duke of Hurl

Click here for Photos!