Hares: Booty Camp, Brokeback Mount Me, & Xena, Warrior Princess
Where: Big Al's, 1915 - 31ST SE
Big Rock: ...and Jello shooters too!
Even if it was an accident, it probably was still appropriate that Princess Sparkle Pony and Her Court — Booty Camp, Xena and Little Red Riding Hood of Death, in some order — hosted their sorta gay-kinda fairy night at the hash.
After all, what was playing on the TVs in Big Al's bar on the rough, tough mean streets of Forest Lawn but ice dance, aka one of the contenders for gold in the Gayest Olympic Event competition. As ice dance figurines competed on TV, Elton John and Kiki Dee's Don't Go Breaking My Heart wafted across the bar from the sound system.
The sequined mannequins with poofed up hair of ice dance were in hot competition with figure skating and men's double luge for the coveted gold medal in GOE.
Even CTV fossil Brian Williams was having a hard time choosing among the faux sports.
For instance, figure skating had Johnny Weir, enough said. With its arcane rules that don't allow the male to toss the female in the air and the requirement that they don't skate too far from one another, ice dance is kinda like Figure Skating Lite.
Then there's men's doubles luge, where manly men in skin-tight lycra spoon their way down an icy run so they can hug and slap each other in the end, er, at the end. As one Canadian luger said, when asked why so many brothers compete in doubles luge: It's less awkward that way, for one thing.
It certainly is.
When he was a boy in Saskatchewan, Sucks Everything always dreamed of becoming a figure skater, or, in the alternative, a doubles luger. Truth be told, he kinda favoured figure skating because he liked the outfits better.
Shutter Slut preferred ice dance, although he still owns his prized collection of figure skater trading cards, featuring 162 shots of Johnny Weir in all his pinkness. Mr. Slut figures he could finance 134 roundtrips from Calgary to Istanbul if he ever put his card collection on EBay. But it ain't gonna happen.
Sucks and Shutter Slut's eyes were riveted on the TVs inside the bar as Canadians Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir skated their way to gold. Ah, what a glorious night. Winning gold in a non-sport certainly wipes away the disappointment of Team Canada losing to the US in men's hockey.
Oh, yeah, and there was a hash too, as the pack — many wearing angel wings or sparkly fairy garb — gathered in a chilly parking lot to follow an icy, snowy trail around Forest Lawn and Dover, or what passes for the hood in Calgary.
Crunch, crunch, crunch, up and down the streets they trudged, amid the characters of Forest Lawn. There was the woman in her van with her kid who sat, and sat and sat, at an intersection. When hashers waved her through, she gave the pack the finger and sped away.
Then there was the one-toothed woman who asked in a whisper what all the runners were about. She seemed pleased when told it was a benefit run for the Canadian Uvula Association. Various and sundry Creatures of the Night simply staggered past silently when hashers came near them.
Everyone eventually returned to the bar, where Guest RA Dreary handed out high-volume down-downs for this and that.
The snowman competition gave noted Canadian whiner Mellisa Hollingsworth another chance to redeem herself for her 5th-place skeleton finish, assuming her tears didn't melt the snowguy.
Duke of Hurl
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