Run #1435 - New Years Day Tacky Formal

January 1, 2009

Hare: Thunder Tits and Inspector Butt
Where: Thunder Tit's Thunder Dome, 120 Riverview Close SE
Big Rock: BYOBR
Attendance: 26

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The sleek, tanned, uber-hot woman in the canary yellow G-string looked terribly out of place on a cold, snowy New Year's Day in Calgary.

She had a skinny butt and legs up to her armpits, which carried her effortlessly down the snowy streets, past the kids on toboggans and grown-ups walking their dogs.

Oh, wait, false alarm — it was just Beer Slayer, wearing a T-shirt from the Throbbin Bobbin Wet Dreams Collection, which is sold in stores in Beverly Hills, Paris, Rio and Medicine Hat.

Welcome to the Calgary hash's umpteenth annual New Year's Tacky Formal, which sartorial eloquence isn't even an afterthought and pretty much anything goes.

It's a day when fashion disasters are the norm, and even the most innocuously dressed is enough to send Mr. Blackwell, rest his soul, spinning in his grave.

It's only a vicious rumour, totally unconfirmed, that last year's Tacky Formal caused the caustic Mr. B to suffer a fatal heart attack. But authorities have not ruled it out as a possible cause of death.

As per tradition, hashers gathered at Thunder Tits' Thunder Dome to follow a trail set by Ms. Tits and Inspector Butt, who amazingly are still married after last year's Tacky Formal just following their honeymoon.

They tried to avoid having the trail go past a neighbour's house, where a pissed-off husband apparently spray painted Pay Up Bitch on the garage door and New Life on the side of the house. But Xena the photog, Shutter Slut, Sucks Everything and Duke of Hurl took a side trip for a group picture in front of the happy house.

But the hash wasn't about lack of marital bliss or snow or anything like that — it was about fashion, more specifically about bad fashion, horrendous fashion, fashion that would blind you. And on and on. There was:

• Snevil — For the 10th straight year or so, Sneeve wore a fur coat that may have been muskrat or squirrel or mink or some other critter that the Clampetts gladly would have eaten for Christmas dinner.

  Snevil claims that a neighbour gave it to her, and it lives in the basement all year, except the one day it comes out for the Tacky Formal. She vehemently denies that she wears it to work on cold days, or in her secret life as a bag lady.
   

• Dreary — Even for someone known for his hideous tights, Dreary's silver jobs were pretty awful. What he didn't say was they were stolen from a Mexican hooker.
   
• Mucky Dip — She wore aqua everything, a total fashion abomination. Enough said.
   
• Hash Test — Her pink or salmon or peach or whatever colour it was dress, complete with bra made from aluminum beer cans, made her appear like a sorta slutty Snow White or Princess Bride or Cinderella. Or possibly not.

  
   

• Auntie Frank, Inspector Butt and Sucks Everything — They all must have exchanged emails about wearing Flintstones' ties, although Inspector's reportedly was XXX-rated and showed Fred and Barney doing something you'd never see on television.
   
• Xena — The Warrior Princess wore a fruity print dress that looked as though it was stolen from the produce section at the StupidStore. She said she was just dreaming of warm, faraway places, which ain't a bad idea after what Calgary's experienced in the past month or so. Twisty wore a tuxedo shirt and a flowery skirt, another attempt to convince the Weather Gods to give Calgary a break.
   
• Mum — Whatever she was wearing was overshadowed by the lovely faux leopard slippers that she got for Christmas. Here's hoping they were comfy and warm, because they were indeed tacky.
   
• Hardly — His tuxedo shirt was blown away by his orange-and-blue-striped knee socks that may or may not have been stolen from one-time hasher Easy Drunk.
   
• Krusty — His skunk-skin boa and bow tie were fashion hits, at least among those at the Alberta School for the Blind.
   
• King Shit — It's amazing he can still fit into his black tuxedo jacket from his high-school prom in the late 1970s. Of course, it may just be a (much larger) replica.
   
• Rag Head — He was quite late, probably because he was too embarrassed to run in his Styx, Dennis DeYoung-autographed T-shirt.
   
• Mr. Blackwell and Fabio — R.I.P.

On-On!

Duke of Hurl

Click here for Photos!