Run #1421 - The Fruits of the Kiwi

October 20, 2008

Hares: Lambchop and Twigger
Where: O'Sullivans Restaurant & Bar, 5809 Macleod Trail South
Big Rock: Duh! It's a bar!
Attendance: 34

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So President Dreary stood amid a gaggle of Hash Hound Harriers, enthusiastically re-telling hash war stories ad nauseam, as a Calgary Herald Neighbours reporter, with recorder in one hand and beer in the other, listened intently.

To put it charitably, the reporter knew next to nothing about the Calgary Hash, or hashing, as evidenced by her later printed references to President Dreary, among other things. Or errors of omission, such as failing to mention the Red Dress Run two days before, which raised $9,500 for the Alberta Diabetes Foundation.

It probably didn't help her lack of knowledge when she showed up about three hours late, missing the run and hash business.

But instead of figuring out that it might be a good idea to make it on time the following week — when getting colour and anecdotes from a run might actually help carry the story — the reporter muddled on.

"It was obvious from the get-go that it was going to be a train wreck, and it was," said Hash Media Critic Duke of Hurl. "The level of suckitude was higher than what you'd find in a five-storey gay bathhouse, not that I, uh, know anything first-hand about that.

"It'd maybe have gotten a D in Journalism 101 at a community college," Duke said. "The only way it could have been worse was if Sarah Palin had written it, or tried to read it without moving her lips."

Or if the reporter had tried to untangle the twisted musings of Lamb Nuts. Instead Lambie, with an assist from boy-servant Twigger, got to ply his trade during the latest hash.

The trail started at O'Sullivan's bar on Macleod Trail, almost in the shadow of Chinook Centre, and meandered through a darkened alley, a dark park or three, a dark bike path, a dark grassland area, up a dark hillside trail and back to the bar.

Obviously, Lamb Nuts forgot it was October, not June, and was rewarded with a Hash Thingy for his efforts.

But Lambie, the low-key and previously unknown twin of American Republi-nutball John McCain, redeemed himself by ordering oodles and oodles of food for hashers in honour of his 72nd birthday.

Newly minted RA Bobbin Robin conducted a quick version of business so the long-awaited pool tournament among local barflies could take place at its normal time.

Sticky Lips decided that forming a choir that featured Dr. Fill, Snowblower and herself was a good idea, although that whirring sound everyone heard was the recently departed Levi Stubbs of the Four Tops spinning in his grave. Sadly, there's now only one Top left.

And onto business, as the New England Patriots were hammering the Denver Broncos on the bar TVs:

• Shutter Slut, aka Chatty Cathy on crystal meth, drove everyone nuts by jogging in place, more or less, under orders from the RA. Mr. Slut, who does a spot-on impression of a gay runner, was cited for some crime or other on trail, and won the second Hash Thingy for his Richard Simmons-like efforts.
   
• Randy Bastard got a jacket for his 200th, Skewbic won something or other for his 400th, White Balls did a half-yard for his 250th and Tiny Bubbles skipped out on his 700th run reward because he had to tend to his mushrooms. So much for Bobbin cleaning out the hash closet, and Shutter Slut "jogged" on.
   
• Kebab would have gotten a down-down for cutting ahead of other hashers at the bar to order a jug of beer and food, but the RA had to draw the line somewhere about rewarding miscreant beheviour. So she didn't get extra beer. Yes, there is a hash god.
   
• President Dreary heatedly denied in every way, shape and form imaginable that he's related to President Dubya of the United States of America — regardless of what the Calgary Herald story might have suggested. Mum also denied being any relative of the First Lady.
   
• Pees and Screws was rocking a pretty trendy penitentiary 'do, but declined comment on whether he was actually in prison in the past couple weeks. Canadian prison sources say no, just for the record.
   
• Shack Shock was beside herself with worry that McCain might actually win the US presidency. She soooooooooooooooo wants Barack Obama to emerge victorious, and is planning a Nov. 4 watch gathering/victory party to mark the occasion.
   
• In her never-ending quest to bring squash — no, not the vegetable, the sport — to the masses of the world, Mucky Dip missed the circle and the run. She was delayed in the UK or Winterpeg or Nunavut or somewhere, but gamely made it to hash business.
   
• Brokeback, aka Little Red Riding Hood of Death, went solo without her man-servant, Mike Hawk, but she was still able to muddle through with assistance from her hash sister, Booty Camp.

  Brokeback is considering a Free the Manatees fundraiser, although plans are in the embryonic stages at the moment.
   

• Everyone seemed to make it back to the bar with all their limbs intact, which, as all hashers know, is always the main goal when Lamb Chop hares a run.

On-On!

Duke of Hurl

Click here for Photos!