Leave it to Rag Head Cowboy to show up at the last minute for a hash at
which he was the solo hare, tooling into the parking lot at Big Al's in
his silver Mini-Pimpmobile wagon that had more decals and logos than any
NASCAR driver ever hoped to have.
Rumours circulated among the hos n' crackheads n' gangbangers on the
mean streets of Forest Lawn, all of which is redundant, about why The
Turbaned One was tardy for the circle. For instance:
- He was still on the carnival midway at Stampede, trying to see how
many corn dogs and bags of mini-donuts he could eat while riding the
Tilt-A-Whirl without losing it. At last count, he'd devoured 16 corn
dogs and 10 bags of donuts — then realized he'd better leave for the
hash.
- He was setting one last checkback just north of Balzac, simply because
he figured the trail just wasn't quite long enough. Reality becomes
blurred when you hijack your old city bus to mark the trail.
- Rag Head was simply stunned and in a daze, which caused him to lose
track of time, that the Flames would sign uber-criminal Todd Bertuzzi.
If the team was just trying to find someone who's a bigger prick than
Mike Keenan to take heat off the coach, it probably succeeded.
- He wanted to show Edmonton hasher Blow Hole that Calgary hashers
weren't wusses, and he knew that Skewbic had left his Garmin at home,
which would prevent Skoob from whining incessantly about how long the
trail was, down to the hundredth of a kilometre.
Whatever the reason, Rag Head was a bit late — and the trail was quite
long. Miraculously, hashers made it back to Big Al's before sundown —
thank goodness for summer daylight in the Great Big North — although
at times, sunrise seemed like a better bet.
It was simply just shy of amazing that no hashers witnessed any drive-by
shootings, drug deals or meth lab explosions, or found any bodies, but
the night was still young. Back at the bar, Dr. Fill used a microphone
to conduct business, and thankfully resisted the urge to turn into a
lounge lizard singing Feelings.
- It was not a good night for those who'd previously been awarded Hash
Thingies. Skewbic summoned his inner-used car salesman — think
late-night infomercial host on speed — in an unsuccessful attempt to
get rid of it.
Dr. Fill took note of Skewbic's begging, and simply refused to
acknowledge him, which meant A. Skoob kept the plunger for another week,
and B. He didn't get a free beer. Oh, and C. The horn-plaque monstrosity
remains hidden behind his living room couch.
Then there was Krusty, who had the Baby Plunger. Seems he didn't run
with it, and somehow it had ended up in the back seat of Happy Ending's
car for some unexplained reason. Hmm.
So Krusty got to keep it another week, too.
- At the beer re-group atop a parking garage just this side of Airdrie,
Dreary had the misfortune of standing in a yellow puddle that was left
by serial pee-er Hyena. Dreary's shoes began to disintegrate, sorta like
what happens in a bad sci-fi movie, and Hazmat declared the area unsafe
for humans and animals.
- Speaking of critters, Oreo and Psycho Gopher Chaser were having too
much fun on trail, splashing around the irrigation canal, wandering in
the prairie grass, and, yes, even digging for gophers — or at least
Gopher Chaser was.
The muddier and wetter the better, as they say.
- Big Country got nailed for phone sex on trail, apparently with a guy.
Guess Snowplow has been gone quite awhile.
Somehow, Shutter Slut knew the differences between 1-900 phone sex and
internet sex, and prefers the latter, for whatever reason.
- Then there was Booty Camp, Randy Bastard and Blow Hole,
all of whom were cited for some sexual offence or other,
which will probably be lost in the mists of time
or fog of beer or something.
- Pee-On, Skewbic, Dr. Fill, Krusty and Duke of Hurl were all still
upright, and presumably with body parts still intact, after running
either an M-word — that would be half-man, half-machine Krusty — or a
half M-word — that would be the humans — the previous day.
Little did they realize they would do another half at the hash, or maybe
it only seemed that way. None of them broke any land speed records,
that's for sure.
- Mega-party girl Rubber Made was a way late arrival, taking time out
from her busy schedule of Edmonton AGPU and non-stop Stampedin' to grace
the hash with her presence. Then there was Snevil, who actually found
her way to the hash for once, and proved that she hasn't lost her innate
ability not to follow trail at all, or for the most part.
- The re-group atop the parking structure provided a panoramic view of
downtown Calgary and Nose Hill and here and there and everywhere. And
everybody resisted the urge to enroll at nearby DeVry so they could
become better at refrigerator repair or Carnival Ride Maintenance 101,
or whatever it is that DeVry does.
Yahoo.
On-On!
Duke of Hurl
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