Hares: Rubbermaid and Swingin' Tail
Where: Stolo's Sports Bar, 16 MacEwan Drive NW
Big Rock: In big jugs (and also in cute little jugs)
Attendance: 37
One's pretty tall, and the other's kinda short. The shorter one has long hair and the taller one, short hair. One is sorta loud, brash and on the eternal quest for the Perfect Penis. The other, not so much — although you never know, since it's the quiet ones you need to watch out for, or so they say.
On the other hand, they both wear Cougar Tails, wink, wink. And they share an aversion to wasting too much chalk when setting trail. And no need to go through Nose Hill Park, even though it's right there, because they might get dirt under their newly manicured fingernails.
But Ms. Made and Ms. Tail managed to set aside their differences, and play on their similarities, when they laid a trail around the MacEwan hood on a mild mid-May evening.
Hashers gathered at Stolo's Pizza, Pub, Liquor Store, Dry Cleaners and Home Depot Outlet to follow a trail laid mostly in pink chalk — some of the marks were few and far between — before consuming mass quantities of Big Rock at a re-group and heading back to Stolo's, where two-time Guest RA Duke of Hurl handed out down-downs like water.
Before that, of course, Musical Maestro Hardly, who secretly considers ABBA among his many guilty pleasures, tried to construct a choir that was part Beatles, part Mamas and Papas and a dash of the Mormon Tabernacle bunch.
It didn't work.
So he settled on Dreary, Happy Ending, Krusty and himself to butcher hash songs with the best of them. And he did, and it was good — more or less. The butchering part, that is.
There were no shortages of offences, both real and imagined. For instance:
Now what's wrong with this picture?
Well, for starters, Snowplow is married, so why would she be spreading word about a dating site? Two, the invite came to Ms. Plow from a long-lost "Nigerian friend." That is a phrase that ought to send shivers up and down the spines of every interweb user everywhere, even if the friend is real.
Lo and behold, Snowplow sent a message just hour later, saying, oops, it's spam, you've been spammed, her entire address book is now in the slimy, grimy hands of spammers, etc. etc.
On the bright side, she did get an invitation for a date from a hasher, who allegedly didn't know who was sending it, although Snowplow coyly refuses to identify that person.
If the Hash Thingy had been there, Snowplow would have won it easily,
hands down, a no-brainer.
But she took the brew back to her table, and it was all good.
Seems they were celebrating Cinco de Mayo — Spanish translation: Marathon sex in five large jars of mayonnaise — and, drum roll please, getting engaged.
There's no wedding date yet — sometime in 2009 maybe — but they can still back out up to 30 minutes before the ceremony. Note to Mr. Hawk: Watch out for Rubber Made, not only is she a cougar, she's a vulture. Just sayin'.
Upon her return, she got the name Booty Camp, which stemmed from a
t-shirt she often wears advertising some boot camp or other that she may
or may not have attended. She seems to like the name, which is kinda
disappointing.
The pair re-created their smooth moves before an appreciative Monday night Calgary crowd before doing their down-downs in honour of their rug-cutting performances.
"I'm just burning, doing the Neutron Dance," Ms. Made said, sweat
pouring down her face and beer oozing from all her pores.
But then Happy Ending, for some inexplicable reason, agreed to give the Prince of Poo a ride, thereby ruining the Karma and guaranteeing that he'll never drive to the hash again.
Aarrgghhhh.
On-On!
Duke of Hurl