Run #1386 - Saint Paddy's Day

March 17, 2008

Hares: Authentic Oirishmen Gromit and Kebab
Where: Big Rock Brewery, 5555-76th Ave SE
Big Rock: Every flavour imaginable
Attendance: 42

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"Drunken leprechauns, now that's redundant," Pyro naid. "When I think of Ireland, I think of two words: Potato famine. I don't eat Lucky Charms cereal, and have never rooted for the Boston Celtics."

Pyro also vehemently denied that he was the Islamic terrorist who escaped from a Singapore prison and was the subject of a massive manhunt.

"Yes, I was in Singapore on a secret CIA mission, and, yes, I returned to Calgary about the same time as that guy escaped. But it wasn't me, I swear. And that's my story, and I'm sticking to it."

Pyro made the comments during an exclusive interview at the St. Pyro's, er, Patrick's Day hash at Big Rock Brewery, where he celebrated his 900th run in Calgary — which means he started just after World War II, or sometimes it only seems that way.

"That's a lot of down-downs and a ton of drunken revelry," Pyro said. "It's also $2,700 in hash cash. But what the hey. Getting the dancing hula girls plaque made it all worth it."

Hashers gathered on a blustery St. Pat's evening to follow a trail laid by tri-hares O'Kebab, O'Gromit and O'Flap Jack — all of whom claimed to be authentically Irish — through the finest industrial area that southeast Calgary had to offer.

Thankfully, no one was run over by all the tractor-trailers along the route, nor did anyone trip on train tracks or get crushed by a runaway locomotive.

Back at the grill, hashers dined on delicious beef on a bun, plump chicken wings, pizza, veggies and quesadillas, which definitely aren't Irish. Then again, neither was St. Patrick.

Oh, and Big Rock beer — lots and lots of Big Rock beer.

RA Dr. O'Fill put down his beer and food long enough to conduct business, which included, believe it or not, more beer.

• Pyro took an unofficial 28 seconds to down his half-yard, which showed that, while rather impressive, he is slowing down a bit. Pyro may have been intimidated a little by the brief presence of long-lost and forgotten hasher, Maple, who once drank a bunch of Hell's Angel's types under the table at a bar in Bowness.
   
• Bat Man, insanely jealous that a blind guy from Harlem replaced the Luv Guv as New York governor, announced his campaign to become Alberta premier.

  "I know we just had an election, but that doesn't matter. If that guy can become governor, then I can unseat Ed Stellmach. Now if I can just find some high-priced hookers ..."
   

• Choir Czar O'Hardly rejected a golden opportunity to observe some musical history — ignoring the untimely death of ABBA's original drummer in an unfortunate encounter with a glass door, and the fact that Peg Leg Mills fleeced Beatle Paul for almost $50 million in their divorce settlement.

  A moment of silence for both, please.
   

• Speaking of music, jet setters Party Pumper and Snow Job were still California dreamin', coming to the hash about four hours after their plane touched down in Calgary after a trip to San Diego, Yosemite and lovely downtown Fresno.

  The lovebirds were a little jet lagged, but it didn't stop them from taking in the industrial-sized sights on the run.

  "This area sorta looks like Fresno," Ms. Pumper said.
   

• The St. Pat's festivities even attracted Red Deer hasher, Hand Job, who'd only heard scandalous rumours and innuendo about the Calgary hash, but had never run here. She suffered so little trauma with the experience that she promised to return.
   
• O'Dreary was unable to find a washer and dryer in south Calgary, so he ran the hash with dried dirt splatters up and down the back of his bright-green jacket. Meanwhile, Hardly accused Duke of Hurl of stripping on trail when the Zorba-the-Greek green sash around his waist slipped down his legs. In a tepid defence, Duke tried to convince Hardly that he was wearing running pants.
   
• Speaking of clothes, Limp Dick was wearing a shirt made of Australian crickets. If any PETA advocates are reading this, that was a weak joke. They weren't crickets, or at least not real ones. Oh, Australian cricket, that's different — Emily Litella, rest her soul.
   
• Lay 'Em retained possession of a Hash Thingy, simply for being Lay 'Em, or something like that. Alleged BC resident Whale Wanker, the hash equivalent of a bad cold you just can't shake, showed up again with his ratty blue shorts, although he was wearing a festive green shirt.
   
• The Lumby Dancers — Party Pumper, Hash Test and Twisty, with a special guest appearance from Clueless — performed their magic during a tribute to Pyro's 900th. Twisty did point out, however, that they have not been around for all of Pyro's runs.

  But rumour has it that an aging St. Pat performed at Pyro's first hash.

Duke of Hurl

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