Run #1375 - Mr. Blackwell's Jaw Dropped,
the New Year's Tacky Formal

January 1, 2008

Hares: Thunder Tits, Inspector Butt
Where: Thuder Tits' Thunder Dome
Big Rock: BYOB. Hangovers optional
Attendance: 26

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Mr. Blackwell's jaw dropped as he stared in amazement at the videotape of the Calgary hash's New Year's Tacky Formal, which probably set the fashion industry back at least two centuries.

"My God, I didn't know there were hookers in the Wizard of Oz," the acid-tongued Fashion Nazi said sadly, as he examined Fourgasm's hideous green bridesmaid dress, circa 1987. "Does a stripper pole come as an accessory?"

After watching the fashion abomination, which took place at the home of newlywed hares Thunder Tits and Inspector Butt, Mr. Blackwell said it'd be impossible to limit his 10 Worst Dressed List to only 10.

"I'm 85 years old, and I've never seen anything like it," Mr. Blackwell said, his voice rising. "After seeing this, I'll take back every catty thing I've said ever about Cher, Britney Spears, Martha Stewart and all the rest. I owe them a huge apology.

"I once said Martha was dull, dowdy and devastatingly dreary, but she's nothing compared to the frumpy ensemble Hash Test was wearing," Mr. Blackwell said. "All my previous comments about truck stop fashion tragedies flew out the window with outfits worn by, say, Snowplow and Big Country.

"I'm sorry, Martha, I was wrong to crucify you."

Here's a look at Mr. Blackwell's Calgary Hash 10 Worst Dressed List, and then some:

• Sticky Lips — "How many poor little furry animals had to die to make that thing Sticky Lips was wearing? She claimed it was faux fur, but, honestly, who cares? I haven't seen anything that bad since Fess Parker played Daniel Boone on TV.

  "And what's with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats booster club yellow, black and white dress with padded shoulders? It looks as though some football player threw up all over it. Wretched."
   

• Hash Test — "She looked as though she was dressed like the centrefold for the Farmer's Almanac. I know I once said that about Martha Stewart too, but this goes double, or maybe triple."
   
• Big Country — "I usually limit my comments to women, but this one was too bad to pass up. The fishnet stockings and hairy legs? The puke green socks? The plaid shorts and red tights? The little human atop his head, the one who was named Ratatouille? How cute. Ugh."
   
• King Shit — "With his strange fuzzy sweater or jacket or whatever it was, plus the awful hat, he looked like a reject from the Russian army. The Cossack look went out decades ago."
   
• Xena — "Her Hawaiian-like dress complete with nookie flowers and a gaudy, cheap purple plastic necklace was abysmal — even with this group's total lack of standards."
   
• Happy Ending — "The whole look — black jacket, black low-cut summer blouse, John Lennon shades, etc. — just screamed 'homeless panhandler.' But the little dog, Ensley Wigglebottom, or whatever she's called, was a nice accessory."
   
• Tarzan — "If Red Green ever decides to become a pimp, or maybe he already is, then Tarzan's outfit is what he'll want to wear. Until then, keep the purple felt hat and the suspenders in the closet — not like me, who's actually out of the closet, but that's another story."
   
• Snevil — "Her orange-and black, Halloween-like, amoeba-looking shirt looks as though she chose it after she got hammered from drinking the half-yard for her 353rd run. But, no, she allegedly was sober when picking it out. This just shows she needs to get out of bed before 1 p.m. for a 2 p.m. hash."
   
• Twisty and Hardly — "Weren't they cute with their matching tuxedo t-shirts and Twisty's sparkly blue hair? Well, no, not really. But Hardly gets at least two brownie points because preparing to become guest RA obviously cut into his time at Value Village."
   
• Mad Dog and Bobbin — "Add Mad Dog's one pink sock and one purple sock to Bobbin's putrid cummerbund-tie combo and you have the makings of a perfectly awful outfit, one that could scare children and small animals."
   
• Auntie Frank — "Who else could pull off the Antonio Bandana look with such flair? Um, pretty much anybody and everybody. Let's just hope both of them can move beyond this nightmare."

The lone saving grace, Mr. Blackwell said, was that the Tacky Formal only comes once a year — and most are usually too hung over to take the fashion faux pas very seriously.

Duke of Hurl

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