Run #1371 - Cats and Dogs Ran for Cover

December 17, 2007

Hare: Hyena
Where: Derby's Pub
Big Rock: Cheap! Location changed due to cheaper beer!
Attendance: 31

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So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun


Somewhere in the Great Beyond, John Lennon and the Baby Jesus held each other and wept. On her bad days — and there were plenty — Yoko Ono never butchered songs as horrifically. Roseanne Barr mangling the U.S. national anthem at a baseball game sounded like opera singer Beverly Sills compared to these hash misfits.

Welcome to the Calgary Hash Christmas Choir — for the record, the offenders were Hardly, Twisty, Dreary and Jaws — which never met a song it couldn't fold, spindle and mutilate.

Think Black-Eyed Peas at the Grey Cup, to the minus-100th power. Or William Hung doing She Bang, or whatever that abomination was, all day, every day in a metal room. Or Debby Boone doing You Light Up My Life on an endless tape loop at 78 rpm. Or ... you get the point.

It was the polar opposite of the classic David Bowie-Bing Crosby duet for the ages on Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth.

The choir brutalized lyrics from the once-sacred Hash Hymnal, likely offended two visitors from Thailand with a hackneyed Asian-sounding version of some song or other, and made cats and dogs in the far NE Calgary neighbourhood run for cover.

It was bad, epically bad, historically bad.

On the bright side, there was no cover charge and there are no CDs or DVDs available from the Performance for the Ages.

"We're going straight to hell," Hardly said after one song was beaten to a bloody pulp, and way beyond recognition.

Yes, you are.

But it was the Christmas season — deck the halls and all that — so the reviews of the choir were probably kinder than they could have been.


And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young


Hashers trekked to far, far, far Northeast Calgary — West Saskatoon was just over the hill and around the bend — on a relatively mild mid-December night to follow a trail set by Hyena and Emergency Co-Hare Jaws, who was horrified that he was setting a live trail.

Jaws may or may not have soiled himself — Hyena claimed Jaws did, but who knows? — thinking about the possibility of getting caught by Krusty, who has been known to run rather quickly.

But luckily for Jaws, Krusty meandered a bit and didn't catch the hares. Maybe next time.

The hares laid a trail sorta near the hood where Dreary once lived, and left after a series of robberies, shootings, break-ins, brawls that ended up coming through his back fence, etc. — in other words, a typical day in a U.S. city, but in Canada, not so much.

The hares managed to run out of imagination after the beer re-group, merely sending the pack on a flat, boring sidewalk along NE 68th Street and back to the bar.

All in all, Calgary was basking in relative warmth, and hashers were most thankful they weren't in Quebec, Ontario or the Atlantic provinces, all of which were getting buried in snow.


A very Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear


Back at the bar, Rubber Made managed to make a spectacle of herself —imagine that — when she dumped (accidentally, she claims) her steak sandwich and salad all over the floor. She refused to invoke the five-second rule, although Pyro helped clean up a bit, if you catch the drift.

Shockingly, Ms. Made didn't have to keep the Monkey-Themed Hash Thingy for her major faux pas, and instead Baby got it.

Rubber Made would have gone hungry but, in the spirit of the season, Lost in Space sprung for the $3.95 so Ms. Made could try not to spill another plate of food. Rumours spread like proverbial wildfires that she did it again, but Ms. Made vehemently denied it.

"What do you think I am, some sort of uber-slob?" Rubber Made asked, while chewing on the skinny pink penis straw that she got as a Christmas present, which she said was her best gift ever.


And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The road is so long


The long-lost D-Cup, fresh from her journeys and adventures as a CIA-like undercover operative, finally made a return appearance. Sticky Lips introduced herself as though she never met Ms. Cup before, but then had some vague recollections, as various other hashers did — mostly from the Gigglegasms of laughter emanating from Ms. Cup.

The only thing more shocking than Ms. Cup's re-appearance was Dastardly actually arriving early for the hash, which stunned the crowd.

But the Prince of Redwood Meadows had to leave early to pick up Big M, Little Organ at Canada Olympic Park so he could get home to rest for his last test of the calendar year in school.


And so this is Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight


For some, it was their last hash before the Christmas holidays and heading off to Vagin, er, Regina or Edmonchuk or BC or wherever. For others, they'll hash at Big Country's and Madame Plow's on Christmas Eve or Dreary's and Mum's on New Year's Eve.


War is over if you want it
War is over now


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Duke of Hurl


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