Run #1369 - Jiggle Belles Rock

December 10, 2007

Hares: Mum, Twisted Sister, Clueless, Xena Warrior Princess
Where: Key West Bar & Grill
Big Rock: 3 bucks a bottle. Sweet!
Attendance: 29

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On a night when Led Zeppelin rocked again, Lord Black and Michael Vick considered becoming prison cell-block homies and it turned out that Quiet Riot's singer died from a cocaine overdose, the Jiggle Belle Quartet trumped them all.

Even though it was still 15 days till Christmas, the Jiggle Belles — Twisty, Xena, Mum and Clueless — managed to cobble together a hash for all seasons from the Key West bar downtown.

Hashers meandered across the 10th Street bridge, through the snowy Kensington and Gladstone hoods, just to name two, and onto a re-group in the CBC parking lot before heading across the 14th Street bridge and back to the bar.

The CBC building held special significance for Lay 'Em, who was once sorta banned, or shall we say restricted, from winning prizes from CBC radio after almost bankrupting them one year by winning all the time.

Lay 'Em figured nobody listened to the CBC, so he made it his life's goal to win as many weekend getaways, toaster ovens and concert tickets as possible. But CBC management wasn't pleased, so they instituted the Lay 'Em Rule, which restricted the amount of annual winnings that a listener could get.

Lay 'Em, though, was undaunted, so he focused his efforts on fleecing other Calgary radio stations. Well done.

Meanwhile, back at the bar, the holiday spirit started the bloom and flourish. Here's a look at parts of the Christmas wish lists of various and sundry hashers:

• Clueless — The RA hopes Santa will bring her a Mr. Microphone so she can be heard over the din of any bar in Calgary, and DVDs of The Best of Monty Python and The Best of Seinfeld to help with comedy ideas when her hash snitches just aren't performing up to par.
   
• Dreary, King Shit and Lay 'Em — The hash choir's Christmas wish was dreaming of becoming Led Zeppelin, at least for one night. Dreary eagerly assumed the role of lead singer Robert Plant, Lay 'Em fantasized about being guitarist Jimmy Page and his drug-fried brain, and King Shit didn't mind being drummer John Bonham, even after learning he'd been dead for 27 years. And as we wind on down the road...
   
• Big Country — The surgically impaired GM wants Santa to bring a walking, talking, inflatable and anatomically correct Nancy Nurse to wait on him hand and foot as he recovers, so Snowplow doesn't have to — not that she would anyway.
   
• Hyena — He simply wants his own portable Porta-Potty, for all those times when nature calls. And another pair of those $19.95 "Sauconys" that he bought from that Mexican guy in south Texas.
   
• Randy Bastard — Mr. B hopes Santa will bring him a collection of Barry Bonds bobbleheads from through the years, starting as a skinny, lithe Pittsburgh Pirate and then morphing into the Incredible Hulk who now faces a federal perjury rap.
   
• Mum — She simply wants to find more suckers, er, customers to buy the collection of colour-coordinated bags that she's selling for the low, low price of $13. See Mum for all your Christmas shopping needs.
   
• Sucks Everything — Sucks says he's been a good boy this year, which is highly debatable, and wants Santa to bring him a high-dollar car to add to his transportation fleet of a bicycle and an advertising-plastered rented Smart Car. Sucks is hoping for a Bentley or Maserati, although he'd settle for a used, rusted-out and banged-up Hyundai.
   
• Andrea — The new hasher wants a schedule that will allow her to attend hashes on Monday nights rather than serving as a Girl Guides leader all the time. Is that too much to ask, Santa? Santa? Are you listening?
   
• Xena — The Warrior Princess just wants more money so she can buy more flashing lights for her Christmas costume, which, of course, would end up blinding all those who've watched her shimmy, shimmy shake in her role as a Jiggle Belle.
   
• Dastardly — The Prince of Redwood Meadows hopes Santa will bring him a Mickey Mouse watch so he may actually show up on time to a circle. When Mickey's tail is on the 7, it's time to be at the hash. See, it's simple.
   
• The hash — Forget The 12 Days of Christmas, how about The 12 Days of Chinooks? Hashers got a non-Chinook break Monday night with -7C and little wind, as opposed to -18C or -28C wind chills the past couple weeks. Santa would be so nice to bring a bag full of Chinooks, to sprinkle around Calgary on Monday nights throughout the winter.

Is that too much to ask, Santa? Is it?

Duke of Hurl

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