Hares: Sticky Lips, Big Woody, and Tender Pecker
Where: Pizza Bob's Classic Pie
Big Rock: AGD and Traditional
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On a night that was colder than U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney's heart, Sticky Lips and her Incest Mafia co-hares Big Woody, Woody Woodpecker, Tender Pecker — the names all kinda run together in a blur — set a trail that was short, flat and bleeping frigid.
Probably the smartest hashers were Stranger, who took off the previous day for London — presumably England and not Ontario — and Mucky Dip, who eschewed the hash for a late-night flight to overcast but warm Bermuda.
In other words, the farther away from -14C with a -27C wind chill, the better.
GM Big Country, in a quintessential American move, even went to the trouble of undergoing hernia surgery, which grieving spousal unit Snow Plow said means four weeks of no sex, no driving and no work, just so he wouldn't have to come out in the cold.
Hernia surgery vs. a late November hash in Calgary, hmm, it was a tough call.
But those who did show up bundled themselves to the max and trudged through the hoods west of Kensington and north of Memorial. Luckily, no one had the urge to test the icy-cold waters of the nearby Bow River.
Everyone managed to make it back from the frosty night to Bob's, the pizza place that managed to be ready for us, even though Sticky's contact had taken off for a Mexican holiday and didn't bother to tell anyone else we'd be coming. But all's well that ends well. The pizza was hot and the beer, like the night, was ice cold.
Then there were the atrocities committed during and after on a night that would probably pass for summer in Edmonchuk and Saskatoon, where they'd likely mock Calgary for its weather wussiness:
Did Skoob stay home, spending those precious moments with Mucky Dip before she jetted off to the pastel-coloured buildings of Bermuda for a week of frolic in the warmth, er, a week of putting her nose to the grindstone in an endless series of meetings — all for the good of Canadian squash, which apparently is a sport, not a vegetable?
Uh, no, Skewbic decided to hash, then hang out with his friends afterward, drinking beer and telling tall tales.
Then there was Ms. Plow, who, after seeing Big Country trudge down the stairs to check email just hours after undergoing surgery, decided he was well enough for her to attend the hash.
Hey, there were TV dinners in the freezer, and how tough could it be to
take care of three small kids, post-op? Hey, on-on, said the
Hardly was getting excited when his undefeated, uh, winless Miami Dolphins were tied 0-0 late in the mudbath of a Monday Night Football game in Pittsburgh. The teams were trying to become the first NFL clubs since 1943 to end 0-0.
Sadly, Pittsburgh kicked a field goal with 17 seconds left to win 3-0,
and Hardly's team dropped to 0-11 — he prefers to think of it as 11-0
— on its march toward infamy.
On the bright side, King Shit was happy he wasn't waking up to -22C in
Winterpeg or to who knows how low it can go in his Thompson, Manitoba,
Couldn't we all?
Duke of Hurl
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