Run #1361 - Baby, It's Cold Outside...

October 15, 2007

Hares: Hash Test Dummy & Baby
Where: Boccavino Lounge, 2202 Centre St N
Big Rock: In the trunk and on tap
Attendance: 38

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It was probably a dark, sinister plot hatched deep inside the warped mind of Hardly, who obviously has way too much time to think as he drives around Calgary, making sure vending machines are full of all sorts of candy and other equally healthy fare.

What would those living in the Great Big North fear more than anything, even more than being trapped in a room while Lamb Chop and Tiny Bubbles debate Canadian monetary policy for hours on end?

Or more than having unlimited gift cards to Skewbic's and Dreary's new business, the Gaudy and Tacky Tights Emporium Inc.?

Why, an American invasion, of course. No, not BushCo trying to seize the once-peaceful border between the Lower 48 and O, Canada — but an American takeover of the Calgary hash.

Look closely and see it's already started, with Big Country getting 'elected' GM, in much the same way Dubya Bush beat Now-Nobel Al Gore in 2000. Mr. Country claimed to be on a business trip to Winterpeg, but sources said he was actually recruiting more Americans for a large-scale attack.

So, Hardly figured, why not prop up American stooge Duke of Hurl — you know, sorta like Dubya — and tell everyone that he was going to be the new RA?

Along with co-conspirators Xena and Twisty, Hardly arranged for Duke to receive a tiara, a wand, a boa thing — all in an effort to make him Miss Guided, or something like that, and sell his appointment to the masses.

Of course, Hardly ignored the fact that Duke's ascension to the throne would set back the pageantry business about 1,500 years. Or that there was no way the horrified Calgary hash masses would settle for two Americans in charge.

Luckily for everyone involved, it was just a joke — and the Beauty, aka the lovely and vivacious Clueless, won out over the hobbled Beast. Yes, there is justice.

Oh, yes, there was also a hash, hared by Hash Test and Fair Weather Baby, who may have been making one of his last appearances before the cruel winter winds appear. The pack wandered to and fro, hither and yon, twixt and tween before ending up back at a Centre Street bar — which didn't like hash songs — and where Clueless handled her inaugural hash business.

• Dreary was honoured for his 1,200th — or was it 12,000th? — hash, downing his half-yard in an impressive 19.7 seconds, according to Bobbin's watch. It was unclear if it was on the Canadian metric clock or regular time. Either way, Dreary figured it was $3,600 worth of hash cash relatively well spent.
   
• Lumberjack got to drink for his 500th run, which was actually his 509th or something, and, through the miracle of Photoshop, received a framed photo which made it look as though he was running. Ain't technology grand?

  
   

• Lay 'Em survived his 300th, and got a jacket, minus reflective stripes, for his $900. RA emeritus Skewbic drank for something or other too, but no one really noticed all that much.
   
• Monika's now known as Six Jugs because she was exceedingly kind enough to buy six jugs — known as pitchers in the states — for the hash. She also got to do three or so down-downs for this and that, but didn't seem to mind.
   
• The choir — King Shit, Rag Head and Gumbo, who should be I'm Gumby, Dammit — regaled hashers and barflies alike with their stirring renditions of ... no, wait, their singing was actually pretty atrocious. But they were enthusiastic, so everybody's a winner, as they say — except for the hash, which isn't welcome back at the bar.
   

RA Clueless eschewed the trappings of Skewbiness — no Viking horns, tacky jacket, etc. — and tried to add a bit of class to her presentation with long black formal gloves and a tiara she ripped from Duke's head.

Rumour has it that her ensemble with evolve over time, although she's still debating about the skimpy thong question. Maybe it'll happen in warmer weather.

Was it just coincidence that Clueless took office, so to speak, on election day in Calgary?

"Let everyone know that I'm the real mayor of Calgary," Clueless said. "All those hack politicians still need to answer to me."

Ah, yes, Big Country and Clueless, American-Canadian relations at its finest.

Let the fun and games begin.

ON ON!
Duke of Hurl

Click here for Photos!