Run #1301 - Erections Night

September 25, 2006

Hares: Krusty
Where: Friar's - Glenmore Landing
Big Rock: Trad and 'Hopper
Attendance: 28

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It was a night of historical significance — and not just in New Orleans, where flood victims rose from the dead and waterlogged homes miraculously were restored to their previous grandeur simply because the Saints played a football game.

Praise Jesus.

No, it was also a night for the ages in Calgary, where the hash conducted its Umpteenth Annual Erections to decide who gets to run, more or less, the motley crew for the next year. Oh, sure, there were formalities first: Guest RA Sticky Lips conducted some usual blah-blah in the circle outside Friar's bar in Glenmore Landing before sending the pack onto the trail laid by Krusty, who marked it every now and then.

Hashers were treated to a brilliant sunset over the Rockies beyond Glenmore Reservoir on a mild late September evening. No one drowned, which is always a good thing, and everyone eventually found their way back to the bar after a jaunt past quite a number of Rather Expensive Houses.

So then it was out with the old and in with the new, except where most of the old became the new again — or something like that. Welcome to the erections run, which attracted a paltry number of hashers, roughly similar to the voter turnout in a non-presidential year in the United States.

Here's a look at the new mismanagement:

• Hash GM — Dreary won a power grab by promising to buy a free beer for every hasher during the year, never to disrobe or even change his shirt during a hash and not ever sing Father Abraham for any reason whatsoever. He also promised to limit hugging to once every six months, and not to talk about incidents that happened in hashes in 1988. Of course, like President Dubya to the south, political promises are made to be broken. So who knows?
   
• Hash MD — As the hash ages, it becomes more important to rely on proper medical care, so mismanagement decided to elect a hash doctor. Who better than Knobby, who takes more joy in recounting his aches and pains than any other person in North America, and maybe the world. His favourite topics of conversation now are his knee, hamstring and IT band — although he has time to endlessly opine on his ankle, foot, sciatic and lower back by the time his term ends. Chances are, Knobby will move to a nursing home within the next 12 months, just so he can get more tips about incessantly talking about his medical maladies. Good times.
   
• Hash Food Thief — Who else but Mum, who's never met a free French fry or taco that she won't take from someone else's plate, sometimes without even asking. Well done.
   
• Hash Mushroom Stalker — Tiny Bubbles is the man for that job, not that anyone else would want it. Tubbles pursues mushrooms and young women with equal fervor, and generally gets the same silent treatment from both.
   
• Hash Perpetual Thingy Award Winner — Kebab, who seems incapable of understanding that she needs to carry the award on a run before she actually can get rid of it, was the only choice. She's now won it about 16 consecutive weeks, and there's no end in sight. Even if she does manage to lose her grip on it, and someone else is silly enough to wrest it away from her, mismanagement decided it should be known, now and forever more, as the Kebab Memorial Thing.
   
• Hash 69 Position — Nobody else but the King and Queen of 69, also known as Billythong and Limp Dick, were nominated for this one. Rumours have swirled about maybe even two buns in the oven, but they aren't talking — and refer any questions to their public relations spokesman, who they refuse to identify.
   
• Hash Ball and Chain — After years of begging and pleading, Hottie showed up late to erections, then claimed that she and Bum Titty were going to make a walk down the plank, er, aisle at some point in the not-so-distant future. She had no evidence of any additional jewelry, but claimed the money used for something like that would go into a party fund. She also did nothing to shoot down rumours that she was preggers, although she did admit she probably wouldn't wear white. Who knew?
   
• Hash RA — The big one remains vacant, at least for the immediate future, until a suitable replacement can be found for indispensable (one more year, one more year) Rubber Made. Whoever takes over for the queen of penis jokes and saying f-off has mighty big shoes to fill, or so she claims. Her rapid-fire one liners, and sometimes even two liners, will echo for months, no doubt, or so she claims again. Guess we'll see.
   

So there it is, the Calgary Hash's mismanagement for 2006-2007. If things get too bad, just remember: It's less than 365 days till all of them can get booted out of office.

On On!
Duke of Hurl

Click here for Photos!