Run #1295 - Rocks, Ruts, Anthills and Airplanes

August 14, 2006

Hares: Knobslinger, Sumpyton, Datstardly
Where: Parking lot at Beddington Trail and Beddington Blvd NW
On-In: 19th Hole Sports Pub, 20 Country Hills Landing NW
Big Rock: Bottles of Trad & 'Hopper
Attendance: 38

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Knobby's original plan revolved around setting a trail by himself at Nose Creek Park, but then stark reality hit — he might get lost amid all those tall weeds and grasslands and never be heard from again. So he quickly enlisted the help of less vertically challenged co- hares Sumpyton, also known as Mr. Short-Timer-Lame-Duck-I'm-On-My-Way- To-Victoria-So-Who-Cares, and Dastardly, who managed to set a trail beyond the confines of Redwood Meadows.

The Three Amigos, more or less, put tiny chalk marks on small rocks, flagging on weeds that reached Knobby's chin and even included a water crossing for the adventuresome on a warm August evening.

The pack wound its way up and down the steep hills of Nose Creek Park, just west of Calgary International Airport, where a steady stream of planes roared into the brilliant blue sky. Hash Test swore she saw hundreds of toothpaste tubes trailing the airliners. There was no truth to the rumour that the procession of planes was part of a dry run for the brand-new Pakistani Terrorist Roundup Days celebration, which is tentatively scheduled in conjunction with next year's Calgary Stampede.

Chick Lick stopped along the trail for a moment of silence for her idol, Boy George, who'd clashed with the media earlier in the day while picking up trash in New York City. The balding and gray Boy is 45, but doesn't look a day over 94, and is this year's nominee for the Keith Richards, Wow, Do I Look Ancient Hall of Fame.

The pack eventually wound its way over the rocks, ruts, ant hills, gopher holes and other assorted obstacles and returned to the parking lot before heading to nearby Buddy's bar for mirth and merriment. For instance:

• Much to the horror of anyone who heard, Easy Drunk returned from her Manitoba holiday with five more pairs of hideous socks that she favours. Her latest was from the Cartoon Cow Collection, sold in finer Value Villages across Canada.

  In a cheap ploy for attention and sympathy, Easy Drunk claimed she was stung by a wasp — that's an insect, not a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant — and limped noticably on the last section of the trail. She then managed to convince a bevy of simplistic, naive man-servants that she needed ice, beer, french fries, etc. — all while talking to multiple Boy Toys on her cell phone. All that was lacking were grapes and palm leaves.
   

• It became quite obvious that the Calgary hash needs to hire a full- time travel agent. Sumpyton and Squeeky are headed to Victoria, Dreary is considering a move to Bermuda, P'Tooey and Lakey could end up heaven knows where, although not Boston. Rubber Made and Bobbin were visiting Nova Scotia. And the beat goes on.
   
• Krusty, going solo while Wet Wipe is terrorizing Atlanta and Dallas, managed to capture a Hash Thingy for wearing a hash shirt inside out, or something like that. Lamb Chop stopped talking long enough to surrender his Hash Thingy, then got it back, then gave it up again.
   
• Kawky and Auntie Frank were quite the sight on trail, trying to find their way across the creek — and generally failing miserably — while the rest of the pack was on trail high above them. Hash Test somehow managed to "win" Hash Thingy II for hanging around with people like Auntie.
   
• In a shocking development akin to the Edmonton Eskimos beating the Pittsburgh Steelers — as though that would ever happen — Snevil actually was on trail as she and Dr. Fill did a loop that ran down the railroad tracks next to the park. They got to drink for it, which, as always, made them extremely happy.
   
• Fast-talking guest RA King Shit confused Dastardly no end in his explanation of one down-down, but the King of Redwood Meadows shrugged and didn't seem to mind too much.
   
• The evening closed with Dreary leading a rousing rendition of Swing Low, or at least the Canadian version. In the United States, the line "I looked over Jordan" is often accompanied by a pantomime of a jump shot in basketball, in honour of Michael Jordan. Perhaps Canadian hashes could come up with one for Steve Nash.

  Hey, whatever works.
   

On On!
Duke of Hurl

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