Run #1293 - The Virgin Murder Mystery

July 31, 2006

Hares: Inspector Butt, Ms Thunder Tits and Sucks Everything
(Okay so we couldn't find a virgin, but one of the hares hasn't had any in so long it's like being a virgin)
Where: Old Esso Refinery Park, on Ogden Road, just south of 50 Avenue SE. Lower parking lot
On-In: Riverbend Station neighborhood pub
Big Rock: In many delicious flavours
Attendance: 47

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Jonathan Livingston Seagull XIX — known simply as J-19 to his feathery family and friends — was lounging near the Bow River, minding his own business and doing whatever birds do when a large rock slammed into him. Poor J-19's health deteriorated rapidly, his chances of survival dwindling as he careened toward the Great Bird Sanctuary in the Sky, not even accompanied by the cheesy 1970s Neil Diamond movie soundtrack of his ancestor.

Who would have done such a cold, heartless, dastardly deed, which is not to be confused with a cold, heartless deed done by Dastardly? The investigative spotlight shined almost immediately on the three co- hares — Inspector Butt, Thunder Tits and Sucks Everything — who inexplicably chose the bleak, desolate, hard-to-find Old Esso Refinery Park on Ogden Road and south of somewhere.

Was it a wonderful spot for their eeeny, teeny, weenie, tiny, short, sometimes-bushwhacking hash? Or did they want to make sure the cold- blooded attack on J-19, which allegedly happened before the hash and while trail was being set, was carried out without many witnesses? And what did the suspects have to say for themselves?

But in the absence of a bird carcass — or an assist from well-known murder-finder Inspector Clouseau Dreary — there's really no way to tell if J-19 is dead or alive.

So the mystery lingers.

Other things weren't so mysterious. For example:

On On!
Duke of Hurl

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