Run #1293 - The Virgin Murder Mystery
July 31, 2006
Hares: Inspector Butt, Ms Thunder Tits and Sucks Everything
(Okay so we couldn't find a virgin, but one of the hares hasn't had any in so long
it's like being a virgin)
Where: Old Esso Refinery Park, on Ogden Road, just south of 50 Avenue SE. Lower parking lot
On-In: Riverbend Station neighborhood pub
Big Rock: In many delicious flavours
Attendance: 47
Click here for Photos!
Jonathan Livingston Seagull XIX — known simply as J-19 to his
feathery family and friends — was lounging near the Bow River,
minding his own business and doing whatever birds do when a large
rock slammed into him.
Poor J-19's health deteriorated rapidly, his chances of survival
dwindling as he careened toward the Great Bird Sanctuary in the Sky,
not even accompanied by the cheesy 1970s Neil Diamond movie
soundtrack of his ancestor.
Who would have done such a cold, heartless, dastardly deed, which is
not to be confused with a cold, heartless deed done by Dastardly?
The investigative spotlight shined almost immediately on the three co-
hares — Inspector Butt, Thunder Tits and Sucks Everything — who
inexplicably chose the bleak, desolate, hard-to-find Old Esso
Refinery Park on Ogden Road and south of somewhere.
Was it a wonderful spot for their eeeny, teeny, weenie, tiny, short,
sometimes-bushwhacking hash? Or did they want to make sure the cold-
blooded attack on J-19, which allegedly happened before the hash and
while trail was being set, was carried out without many witnesses?
And what did the suspects have to say for themselves?
- Sucks didn't have much to say, or even an alibi. He was too busy
trying to impress the nearby construction workers, who were ogling
him as he modeled the bra collection that had something to do with
the hash theme.
Sucks' turn as a Victoria's Secret male model wannabe came only two
weeks after his last modeling gig — a blue mini-dress, along with
all the accessories — at the Stampede hash in K-Country.
Perhaps the boy will be a big star someday on the runways of Paris
and Milan. But a bird killer? Nah.
Sucks roared away on his motorized bicycle, baseball trading cards
falling from the spokes, before the media throng could press him for
further details on the apparent demise of J-19.
- Thunder Tits tried to defend the short trail, saying that
construction workers or City of Calgary employees or somebody
prevented them from setting a route of a reasonable distance.
Ms. Tits then said they decided not to go one particular direction
because they didn't want to disturb a homeless encampment, which she
said would have been rude — a contention that made the always-
skeptical Rubber Made and Duke of Hurl laugh out loud. And a fence
prevented the trail from going another direction, blah, blah, blah.
But then Ms. Tits pointed a finger at her seemingly mild-mannered
paramour, Inspector Butt, and claimed that he killed the bird with
the rock.
Ms. Tits even went to great lengths to pantomime the way that J-19's
body became frozen in time, sort of similar to a Monty Python scene
gone terribly awry.
- How could the quiet, soft-spoken Inspector have done such an awful
thing to a poor, defenseless bird? Or does he have an inner Son of
Sam-Jeffrey Dahmer-Ted Bundy lurking inside his calm exterior?
In a shocking confession, Inspector admitted throwing the rock and
hitting the bird. He also admitted that the bird looked as though it
was dead.
But using a defense more commonly associated with Tour de France
winners and 100-meter Olympic gold medalists who test dirty for
drugs — Who me? How'd that get there? — Mr. Butt claimed the bird
actually rose from the dead, a Jesus Bird, if you will.
The Miracle Bird somehow returned to life, the Inspector claimed amid
guffaws from the jury, er, tiny audience listening to the story.
But in the absence of a bird carcass — or an assist from well-known
murder-finder Inspector Clouseau Dreary — there's really no way to
tell if J-19 is dead or alive.
So the mystery lingers.
Other things weren't so mysterious. For example:
- Hardly and Twisty did synchronized down-downs, more or less, for
their 550th runs. P'Tooey ran from the end of the hash to the bar,
but didn't have to drink for it. Wet One and Snevil somehow ended up
next to the Deerfoot International Raceway, and Snevil wondered if
she could safely make it across five lanes of speeding traffic.
Luckily, she didn't try.
- The much-shorter women's team won the Calgary Hash Special Olympics
pass the bras back between your legs and over your head competition.
RA Extraordinaire Rubber Made announced she was taking a two-week
sabbatical to Halifax, aka the Land of Milk and Honey (and Beer and
Seafood).
- Two hashers got named, Penis Envy and You're On Her, or something
like that. The latter is leaving for law school in Ottawa, so it
really doesn't matter what her name is. In a few years, she'll be
sucking clients dry just like the rest of her fellow barristers.
Perhaps by that time, the J-19 mystery will be solved, and Inspector
Butt will need a good lawyer.
On On!
Duke of Hurl
Click here for Photos!
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