Run #1288 - H.H.H.
July 3, 2006
Hares: Hyena, Humidor and Hooiser
Where: 160 Coral Springs Landing NE
Food & Booze: Beach Party, Big Rock and BBQ at the Beach
Attendance: 35
The sun-kissed late afternoon at the Coral Springs Fake Lake was a
perfect way to celebrate Canada's 139th birthday, which means the
country's only six years older than Whale Wanker's shorts.
Numerous hashers swore part of the trail ran into Saskatchewan.
Others were adamant they saw road signs that said it was 40
kilometers to Saskatoon, or maybe it was Moose Jaw. Few knew that
life even existed east of Calgary International Airport.
But it did.
Welcome to the Canada Day long weekend hash hared by ex-Atlanta, ex-
Ontario and ex-who-knows-where-else hashers Hyena, Humidor and
Hoosier, which also happens to be a nickname for people who live in
godforsaken Indiana.
Indiana, Saskatchewan, far northeast Calgary, it's all the same --
out-of-the-way places where you have to work to get there. They're
all best handled under the influence of alcohol, which perhaps one
reason so many hashers flocked to Coral Springs.
Brazen and macho, Hyena decided he wanted to lay a live trail with
only a five-minute head start -- knowing full well that Krusty, aka
Mr. 2:50-Something Marathoner, was lurking over his shoulder.
At one point, Krusty got Hyena in his sight, but then the hare
scooted into one of the interminable cul-de-sacs or crescents or
something in CookieCutterVille and disappeared.
Hyena wins game, set, match. Well done, lad.
The trail and its surrounding ambiance, shall we say, wasn't the most
scenic ever created, unless you consider rolling mosquito-infested
farmland -- oh, look, there's suburban Regina, ouch, slap -- your cup
of tea. It was also a rumour they were going to film Stepford Wives
III in one of Coral Springs' cul-de-sacs.
But everyone managed to make it back safely -- although Tarzan was a
question mark for quite awhile -- to Hyena's and Humidor's beachfront
estate for smokies, hamburgers and a liberal dose of Skewbic, who was
acting RA. Among those who were there:
- Dastardly maintained a delicate balance between his main role, beer
drinker deluxe, and serving as a lifeguard for his kids, who seemed
to think the beach was the place to be. In their defense, Redwood
Meadows isn't exactly known for its pristine beaches.
Beer, kids, beer, kids. Hmm, tough choices.
- One of the most-frightening parts of the hash was the realization
that Lamb Chop actually has progeny. More than one, in fact. Little
Lamb Chops who ride bikes on trail. Who knew?
- Blue Balls and Swinging' Tail were late arrivals to the
festivities. Mr. Balls admitted he was mountain biking and didn't
know about the early start, while Ms. Tail was busy buying gold
Cleopatra sandals from Victoria's Secret or somewhere like that and
painting each of her fingernails as Canadian flags.
- Evil not-quite-twins Wet One and Wet Wipe managed to show up at the
same hash at the same time. Ms. Wipe's appearance destroyed the myth
that she's completely nocturnal and only shows up at the end of
hashes when the lights go down, or come up.
- Smirk was in mourning after his beloved Edmonchuk Oil Workers
traded alleged Lothario Chris Pronger to the No-Longer-Mighty Ducks.
The original story was that Mrs. P. didn't like Edmonton, but recent
interweb reports alleged that an Edmonton television personality had
gotten preggers with the hockey star's child.
Maybe Mrs. P. didn't like the City of Champions after all. Or they're
moving to Southern California so she can audition for Desperate
Housewives.
- In a stunning development, Kawky managed to snag a Hash Thingy
after showing total disrespect to Skewbic by walking down the spiral
staircase, hamburger in hand, during hash business. Mr. K. then
cowered behind a chair like a little girl, hoping to avoid detection
so he wouldn't get the dreaded award.
Busted.
- The hash "choir", headed by tone-deaf frontman Whale Wanker, got
innumerable mentions as possibly The Worst Hash Choir Ever. Wanker
mentioned something about Milli Vanilli being his musical idols,
which probably explains everything.
Mercifully, Whale Wanker didn't bother to sing O, Canada, which
probably would have been a sign that the dominion was headed straight
into Third World territory.
It's nice to know the country will be around for its 140th, as best
as anyone can tell.
On On!
Duke of Hurl
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