Run #1286 - Burn Mortgage Burn!
June 12, 2006
Hares: Whale Wanker, King Shit
Where: Whale Wanker's Dock, 3312 Centre B Street NW
Food & Booze: BBQ Smokies and stuff and a pony keg of Big Rock
Attendance: 37
Click here for Photos!
The dilemma was rather clear-cut: Stay at home and watch The Wrong
Alberta Team play for Lord Stanley's Cup in NASCAR-ville or attend
the hash, eat smokies and drink beer while raising money for charity.
Of course, those who chose the latter option also subjected
themselves to hockey aficionados such as:
- Tiny Bubbles, who proclaimed to anyone within earshot that he
hadn't watched hockey in 25 years. He kept asking, "Where's Bobby
Orr? Why do they have ads on the boards? What are they wearing on
their heads? Who's playing?"
- Jaws, whose incessant chatter about roller derby, or some such
nonsense sport in which he allegedly participates, almost ruined the
ending for those who actually wanted to watch the game.
- Rubber Made, who's a former Edmonchuker, was more interested in the
latest plot line for Bree, Susan and the other Desperate Housewives.
It's not widely known, but Ms. Made, ever the hockey fan,
once unknowingly tried to serve baked pucks as an appetizer at a
dinner party.
In true Desperate Housewives fashion, Rubber Made also used the Game
7 stage to reveal her life-long nickname: Supertramp, which has
little, if anything, to do with the one-time musical group of the
same name. Wink, wink.
Those were just some of the scenes at Casa De Wanker for the hash
hared by Whale Wanker and King Shit, aka the Sunshine Boys. There
were others, such as:
- Hottie running the circle at a pile of rocks in front of Whale
Wanker's house that almost dwarfed her. Hottie deftly escaped the
barrage of gravel that was flying toward her. Hottie tried to keep
from talking with her hands too much, and managed to pretty much
ignore those who were mocking her for doing so.
- Whale Wanker revealed, in True Confessions fashion, that he
actually loves dogs, has six of them and that all his anti-dog
diatribes over the years were just a joke. No, wait, none of that is
true.
- P'Tooey drank a half-yard for his 500th run in 34 seconds, which
Supertr, er, Rubber Made suggested was longer than sex lasted for
him.
- Duke of Hurl drank for wearing an R-word t-shirt, and his pleas
that it was actually only a 5K where there were riblets and beer
afterward -- true hash vitamins -- fell on deaf ears. Oh, well.
- In a shocking move that disappointed innumerable hashers, Easy
Drunk ditched her hideous cow knee socks and actually wore tame
short running socks. It was unclear if Easy Drunk was
still hung over from the previous week's down-downs for the socks, or
was just having flashbacks.
- The hockey hash served as a send-off of sorts for three
international travelers: Party Pumper was heading to Greece; Easy
Drunk to Mexico; and Duke to Kansas City, where he did a 5 a.m. run
(why?) when it was 27C with 60 percent humidity, which he compared to
trying to breathe and run through maple syrup.
- For the second consecutive hash, Dreary did not find a dead body in
a parking lot near his house. Dreary also heatedly denied a National
Enquirer report that quoted unidentified sources as saying Calgary
police were looking "very closely" at Dreary's report about him
discovering the corpse.
- The hash also featured a special guest appearance by an acting
troupe called Charlie's Angels: The Autumn Years. Word is, they might
use the hash appearance as a springboard to a lounge tour in the
Yukon and Northwest Territories later this summer.
Oh, the hockey game eventually ended -- sending Tobacco Road
rednecks into fits of excitement and cousin kissing, and allowing Ms.
Made to finally conduct hash business.
The Hash Hockey Trio, led by Tiny Bubbles, was considering a trip to
North Carolina for a series of speaking engagements to explain to the
locals what the Stanley Cup means, and to show that not all Canadians
know or love hockey.
On On!
Duke of Hurl
Click here for Photos!
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