Hares: Kawky Whoreurrrrrrr, Mucky Dip and Skewbic Hare
Where: Tropicana Pizza, 1501 - 34 Avenue Southwest
Big Rock: $11 jugs
Attendance: 40
They're not quite the Calgary hash's answer to Canadian Olympic cross-country ski team medalists Beckie Scott and Sara Renner, although they could be -- in a sick and twisted sort of way.
Not unlike Scott and Renner, Mud Guard and Whale Wanker -- aka the Muddy Buddies -- are a threat to reach the podium, and maybe even grab gold, every time the Hash Whatchamacallit is awarded.
Whether it's Mud Guard throwing beer on Rubber Made or forgetting to carry the Hash Thingy while on trail, or Whale Wanker making vile threats toward dogs and frightening small children on bikes, the dynamic duo is almost always in the hunt for the hash's highest award.
Mud Guard was more than thrilled to win the award for the second consecutive time at the hash co-hared by Skewbic and Kawky from the Tropicana bar on 34th Avenue SW.
"I know I beat out some tough competition in those two," Mud Guard said, clutching the award, as tears welled in his eyes. "It's the highest honor I've gotten since I won all those awards for the art projects made of macaroni back at the group home."
And Whale Wanker, who plays the role of Gilligan the Little Buddy to Mud Guard's Skipper, or is it the other way around, is always pleased to win the prize.
"If it takes being a hypocrite for saying mean and nasty things about dogs, but then petting a dog, so be it," Whale Wanker said. "Getting this is better than making a ton of money in a business deal, it really is. I'm hoping the hash will eventually name the award after me."
Obviously, Mud Guard and Whale Wanker can't win every week. So in honor of the Stanley Cup playoffs, here's a look at other potential contenders:
In fact, he spilled beer on himself. and the floor, and would have walked away with the award -- until an eagle-eyed hasher noticed that Mud Guard hadn't carried the Hash Headdress during the run.
"I noticed the sun shining off Mud Guard's head, almost blinding those of us behind him, then realized that he wasn't wearing the Hash Thing," said one hasher, who asked to remain unidentified.
So Skewbic was spared, for once. But there's always next week.
Consider Skewbic, Mud Guard and Whale Wanker the Senators, Red Wings and
Sabres of the playoffs.
Rubber Made nailed him for multiple offences, and even left out the part
about his suspected admiration for the rather graphic Not Quite So Hot
Anymore Chili Peppers framed poster at the Trop.
The hash started at 7 p.m., which is 10 hours before 5 a.m., and would have given the Mucky One plenty of time to primp for the trip. But no.
Instead, she gave a St. Louis Blues-type performance and just quit on
the hash -- and got out with no beer punishment. Shameful it was, just
shameful.
Sticky played good defense, sort of like the Flames are supposed to do, but don't always do, against the Mighty Ducks.
Obviously, like the Stanley Cup playoffs, the race for the Hash Thing is pretty much wide open.
A upset here or there can happen, but when in doubt, go with the favourites.
On On!
Duke of Hurl