Run #1272 - Bow to the Penis

What in the world were they doing? Honoring the Queen? Remembering Princess Di? Practicing for their next audience with the Pope? Taking part in a weird ritual on a night when Black Sabbath and Blondie were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

No, none of the above.

Welcome to the Rubber Made-proclaimed Bow to the Penis hash, where the chosen ones paid homage -- sometimes awkwardly -- to a cue stick strategically flanked by two pool balls. In Rubber Made's world, where we all should live (at least for a little while), it represented a penis.

Make no mistake, some hashers had their own style in executing the tribute. Sticky Lips, for example, grinned wildly, gyrated a bit, and blew it a kiss. On the other hand, Randy Bastard and Sucks Everything didn't quite know what to do at first, which was probably a good thing.

Some chose instead to bow to the eenie, teeny penis Dreary had -- on his shirt. During the show, bar flies and other patrons stared quizzically, although one female customer later told Rubber Made she wanted to attend a hash.

The night of a run, fun and games -- which co-hares Hottie and Bum Titty moved from the swanky Silver Springs area to the always-reliable Bent Elbow way down south when a Northwest bar wouldn't return their phone calls -- wasn't without its other shining moments. Among them:

• Blue Balls drank a quarter yard down-down for his 700th hash, a number that puts him in the athletic stratosphere occupied by Barry Bonds, Babe Ruth and Henry Aaron. Mr. Balls started hashing in 1990, which was well before Bonds started taking a medicine cabinet full of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.

  It'll be quite a race to see whether Blue Balls or Bonds reaches Ruth's 714 first. Blue Balls should catch Aaron's 755 sometime next year, which he hopes will happen before Bonds.

  "I was only doing huge plates of chicken wings and nachos, not roids like that drug cheat Bonds," Blue Balls said. "Unlike him, my total is legitimate."
   

• It was also a night of rebirth and new beginnings. Hardly showed up sans mustache, which left him unrecognizable to some, and Sticky Lips began running again after a six-year or so injury layoff, even though she was still able to ski like a maniac every weekend.

  "I just wanted to throw people off-guard a little," Hardly said. "But I vehemently denied that I actually killed the caterpillar, as some hashers so viciously claimed."

  A huffing and puffing Sticky said she was "out of shape for running, but everybody's got to start somewhere. On the bright side, running will get me back to the bar quicker. The golden Nectar of the Gods is never a bad thing."
   

• The Hash Thingamajig became a hot potato of sorts. A still-bitter Rubber Made, who got it two weeks previously for something or other, apparently was going to give it to Krusty. But then Skewbic managed to become the recipient -- until Sticky, for some unknown reason, decided to usurp the choir with the birthday song.

  Congratulations Sticky, who complained and moaned a little, but decided against relying on the defense that it actually took two people -- sisters from Kentucky -- to write the Happy Birthday song.
   

• The birthday in question was Swingin' Tail, who turned 29 for the (fill in the blank) time.
   
• As an added bonus, Krusty promised to buy a shooter for the first hasher who submitted the correct hash name for Wet One's sister, who at first claimed she didn't have a hash name, then swore some sort of Canadian jihad on someone if it was revealed.

  If you know her name and would like a free shooter, or beer, email your guesses to . You can remain confidential to the masses if you wish, and your drink will be gotten to you in secret.
   

• Rubber Made continued her one-woman campaign to rename Pyro, Pylon. Then again, Rubber Made often has problems with names, so it raised the question if that was a good idea in the first place.
   

The merriment broke up when four meterosexual, or something, types decided they wanted to play pool. As Biff arranged the balls and moved the stick, Rubber Made and other hashers at the nearby table laughed like crazy.

Oh, if those guys only knew.

On On!
Duke of Hurl