Run #1030 - Taliban Country

January 21, 2002

Hares: Big Salad, Eau Naturel and Smirk
Where: Pig and Whistle, 8120 Beddington Blvd NW
Attendance: 57

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This weeks mission would be easier than the previous ones in the far south, the next offensive push was in the north. This was true Taliban country. Despite us being deep behind the enemy lines it seemed more hospitable than our past surroundings. The terrain was different, in a strange way it seemed colder. It might have been that the harsh reality was setting in, the reality that we were on a one way mission. A mission that we might never return from, a mission into the Nose Hill sector!

The troops gathered at the pre-determined rendezvous code name "PG and Whistle". A variety of personnel carriers pulled up outside, the heavy tracked artillery would arrive later. Inside the secured compound the troops became familiarized with each other, very familiarized.

18:52	Private Smirk was showing the new boots how to "get down", I had seen this move in a hazing ceremony in Bosnia. It was not a pretty site!
18:55	Ex Vietnam chopper pilot Always With Wings was telling the Skinhead that all he wanted was to be treated fairly, "you don't have to change my pants" he exclaimed. "I am a BIG boy" he insisted. I could tell by the look on Skinheads face that he wanted to experience the BIG boy. This sort of thing could not be tolerated within a group of highly trained troops. This will have to be reported to the appropriate authorities as it is truly criminal. Possibly a sexual offence under construction. Ever since they took his knives away Always With Wings has been a changed man, I guess Skinhead will find out how changed he really is!
18:58	The platoon's radio operator was one of the best in the business at playing with knobs. Her name was Cheeks, she was hoping for something short and sweet. Hot On Trail claimed to be chilly. The solution to Hot On Trail's problem was a simple one, Cheeks should have Hot On Trail. I'll bring the camera, giddy up!
19:03	Skinhead was still figuring out a way to get closer to Always With Wings. He was making promises of slapping Vaseline on his package, and taking it up the rear. This sounded like a painful proposal, what ever turns your crank boys!
19:05	The new recruit Connie was mixing it up with some of the seasoned veterans. Connie was hoping for something hard, it was her first time so you couldn't blame her. This was a mission that would attract the national press and the new recruit was excited about seeing her picture on the web page or maybe the CNN news. What some people will do for a little bit of fame!
19:07	The bugle is blown. Whale Wanker claims that this ancient tradition is something that goes back into the 16th Century. It is now a ceremony that is performed everytime before going into battle. Whale Wanker says he was there when the tradition started so I believe him. This man is truly an experienced horn blower!
19:08	Hot Dog peered through the window as the troops left the compound, she didn't want to cool off. After all her code name is Hot Dog not Chilly Dog.
19:10	The gathering of the troops in a large circle was followed by a quick briefing on this latest mission. The elite platoon known around the world as the Calgary HHH was here to kick some butt. They showed no fear as they studied the latest co-ordinates. The reconnaissance division had mapped out an interesting line of attack. Eau Natural, Big Salad, and Smirk displayed the latest trail markers. Each CHHH soldier was issued had their very own GI Joe decoder so the new marks would not pose a problem. The troops all dispersed as quick as they had come together. They were in stealth mode!
19:12	It was at this point that my weapon jammed, something was frozen up my breach. I was lucky that it happened now and not later. A quick trip to the supply vehicle and I was ready to go. I cocked the breach and everything seemed to flow very well!
19:17	The grand poo bah, King Shit, was talking about his ration pack. He already wanted his dehydrated hot chocolate, there was no time for this luxury. He did take the ration bag and stick it down his pants, kept his cucumber warm I guess. We had to run, run for our lives!
19:19	Pull It was having a major problem as her "thing" started freezing up. This soldier is one of the best equipped in the platoon, during the night raids she is always up front with her headlights on. Halogen all of the way!
19:20	Left Bun was seen with her "back of the pack" dogs huddled around a fire hydrant. These dogs had been trained to sniff out pussy. They did not seem to be having any luck as the wild cats of Afghanistan had all hibernated for the winter. The ferocious felines had been known to rip a man apart, we felt safe with the dogs tagging a long. They are truly a man's best friend!
19:21	Explosives expert TNT was having problems with her night vision goggles. She was explaining to Burning Bush that she if she squinted then she could see past 8 feet. Her weapon had been taken from her, we thought that would be safer for all parties involved.
19:25	Bruce was seen attacking a young virgin from behind, he fell to his knees and giggled wildly. Now you know why they call him "Bruce".
20:50	The weary soldiers returned to the compound to be de-briefed. This was truly a mission from hell but everyone made it back. It was a successful mission!
20:52	The new uniform that had been issued for this mission had worked very well. Sergeant Twisted Sister was only moist, normally she would be soaking wet after a grueling night of exercise.
20:54	Private Darryl was renamed as Darryl, this was to confuse the Afgahanistans.
20:56	Camel Wanker said his goodbyes as he was heading to Taiwan on a special mission. This was a top secret trip courtesy of MI5, he was under strict orders not to discuss any aspect of his latest posting. In fact, if you have read this information you may be in great danger. To be safe you must eat this memo after reading it!
21:02	The platoon vicar, Choir Boy, was made to drink lots of beer due to the fact that he had eaten a Big Salad. He likes a lot of french undressing with his lettuce!
21:07:40	Wet One was found drooling at her table, she was looking at Tiny Bubble's butt. She had a glazed look, sort of like somebody on crack. We later found out that while on a mission with the Royal Marines in Argentina, Corporal Wet One was honourably dismissed after being found sleeping with a herd of wooly sheep. The sight of Bubbles bum was getting her all excited. She's really bhaaaaaaaad!
21:23	Stawberry Dream was showing Eats His Own that she could eat a bananna in only one mouthful. You never know when that talent will come in handy. Keep practicing ladies, you too could be this talented!

Next weeks mission will be On The Hill, we will be dealing with a bunch of men that like to wear dresses. Oop yur kilt ya Scotch geet, Yar a beeg poofter!

On On!

One Nut Sue

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