Run #969 - Strip Teases, Seductive Auctions and 969'ers

I think my goodies just slipped! Code Dead, Hot On Trail, Ben Wa and Specimen prepare to share their wares

Strip teases, 969'ers and women selling their wares to the highest male bidder were just some of the events going on at the 969^th Run of the Calgary Hash House Harriers on Monday night. The rambunctious group met at Mr. Schnapps Pub in Shawnessy at seven-ish, but it was clear from the get-go that what seemed innocent enough would soon deteriorate into yet, another raunchy debacle of drinkers posing as runners.

Lost in Thought What would Doris Day do if he outbid Lumberjack?

Wet One circled the group up outside the pub and tried to introduce some new boots, but none were to be found. Not a problem for the (estimated) sixty-nine runners who were in attendance because as any good Hasher knows, that just means more free beer for the rest of us.

During the circle, Left Bun screamed about her inability to sell her remaining tickets to the 1000^th Run and offered special favours and incentives to anyone who would purchase a ticket from her, rather than her other half. It should be noted that Right Bun seems to have the lead in this conquest. Perhaps, all the extracurricular activities, the newly-wed Left Bun is clearly enduring may have something to do with her selling abilities? Who knows? Other announcements included the COGS Hash on March 17^th and the DOG Hash in April. But, as everyone seemed anxious to hit the trail, Hares Boner and Air Brakes came forward and explained the markings that would guide us through the run. But just as we stepped out of the pub, King Shit proudly found a ridged tool in a cardboard box!!

Here's an Idea! What Doris Day did when he outbid Lumberjack

As a newly-minted Hasher, who was suckered into writing this week's write-up, it is difficult for me to explain the run in detail, as I am always the one looking for the short-cuts and any neon signs that might signal the pub is nearby. However, it should be noted that we did run (or in some cases, walk) up a few hills, in-between rows of houses, down a big hill, along a railway track and across a parking lot to the pub. At least, that's what I remember of the run. Dreary, as per usual, was keeping the majority of the group on track by sounding blow jobs, which always helps. Warmer than usual, many hashers felt the need to strip enroute and show off their cleverly disguised beer bellies. Heaven help us when the summer comes!

Once back at the pub and with beers in hand, stories of the evening began to emerge. But shortly before the down-down ceremony, Specimen/Hot-on-Trail/Code Dead and Ben Wa changed into something "a little more comfortable" and tantalized the male hashers with succulent treats. Offering to sell their wares for a premium price, the women put themselves up for auction and the bidding began. The two horniest hashers of the bunch are clearly Doris Day and Lumberjack as they went head-to-head in a battle to buy the four women for an evening of seduction. At first, it was thought that Lumberjack might finally have his way and get some action, but for every offer Lumberjack made, Doris upped the ante. Doris had been with these women before, so he knew what offers they could provide. Visions of red bras hanging from the chandeliers, copious amounts of Baja Rosa and elements of nudity danced through Doris' head. He was determined to have his way and before long, the women were sold to the highest-bidder, Doris, for $305!

Tiny Bubbles Displays his $3,200 Trophy 400 runs x ($3 hash cash + $5 beer loot)

Other highlights of the evening included Wet One mistaking Hot-on-Trail as Shooting Blanks' dog - don't ask me how that happened, but I'm sure there is a deep, dark secret behind this one! Meanwhile, Krusty hadn't quite figured out that Left Bun is no longer in the singles lane, as he proceeded to rip off her clothing and the notorious One Nut Sue gave Twisted Sister "a headache" as he screamed in excitement on the trail!

Lumberjack received a down-down for his incredible swelling body part, but from what we could tell, "his thing" was just a fuzzy-looking caterpillar under his nose! Meanwhile, Dirty Dancer came and left. Apparently he has only been out once without his wife!! Pathetic, isn't it? And Tiny Bubbles missed his 400^th run, but while sitting at home doing who knows what, he realised this disastrous mistake and arrived at the pub just-in-time for his award and down-down. Did you think he'd really miss an opportunity for a free beer? Hardly! Meanwhile, laughter radiated throughout the pub as Always with Wings received a down-down for playing pocket-pool on the trail - ooops, I mean, for always wearing pants with pockets!

Xena de Milo? Xena, Warrior Princess loses the race

However, one of the best down-downs of the night was Xena Warrier Princess' strip tease.

She managed to commit one of the greatest offences of all and was forced to strip in front of 30 horny-looking men while she turned her shirt, which had the word "race" on it, inside out. Dreary "claims" he didn't sneak-a-peak, but from his angle it must have been hard not to notice the lacy, black bra, that Left Bun seemed so attached to!

Whale Wanker received his award and down-down for his 450^th run, which Mum kept all night between her legs! TNT managed to keep her cherry as she walked between four horny male hashers; and, after stumbling over lampposts, falling at corners and generally acting like a poop, Shooting Blanks received the hash shit. He was also voted most likely to wear the hash shit in a continual role. Meanwhile, My Little Pony ran up to Shooting Blanks and said in an assertive voice, "Do you know how hot I am?" Clearly, it had not occurred to Shooting Blanks, but having given it some thought, he became very interested in the idea of pursuing her temperature a little further!

But the night was not complete until more rumours spread about Slippery being involved in a four-some with Hot-on-Trail, TNT and Shacky on the ski trip. As the nearby male hashers drooled with jealousy, Slippery claimed it was all innocent, but the women insisted they kept Slippery up all night with various screams and noises!

The evening concluded with more stories, which are too crude to include, and the same group closing the pub down. Doris, Krusty, King Shit, Burning Rubber, Left Bun, Knobby, Pool Boy Ron and your correspondent, must really get a life!

On On!

Rubber Tester

---

More photos from Run 969!

by Whale Wanker

by King Shit

Ask Right Bun

There was no ask right bun this week.

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!!!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.