Run #1009- The Gap Run with Erections

September 24, 2001

Hares: Right Bun, H.O.T. Dog, King Shit, Party Pumper, Bum Titty
Where: Bowness Park
On In: River Inn, 6404 Bowness Rd NW
Attendance: 78

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Call the National Enquirer! A miracle has occurred right in our very own Calgary! The CH3 assembled last Monday night in Bowness Park at 7:00 p.m. for the first time that I can remember. The call to order came from Hash Mattress (for the last time) Wet One, as usual. New boots Teresa, Maddie and Dave were introduced, along with visitor Dave from Houston (who announced before the run that he wanted to strip the Hares - he obviously hasn't seen King Shit naked), and archived CH3ers Sorry and Flesh Wound. After a flurry of announcements, including a request to bring food to next Monday's run for Private Stick and his spouse Poke Me to help out with looking after their 3 children during Private Stick's convalescence from cancer, the Hares King Shit, Party Pumper, Hot Dog, Right Bun and Bum Titty were introduced to explain their hieroglyphics to the CH3 (not that it ever does much good).

The pack ran east out of Bowness Park, then underneath the Bowness Road Bridge, across some classic shiggy, (after much backing and filling by the more reluctant Hashers, or those who hadn't brought a change of shoes and socks) up the hill and east along 48^th Avenue N.W. After a time we ran back down to the riverbank from 48^th Ave. and east along the riverbank (where King Shit was overheard gloating with unbearable smugness about the Hashers who got their feet wet tying to avoid crossing the shiggy) to a second bridge, where we crossed the river. From there, the trail led west back to the first bridge, across the river and back into Bowness Park.

Back at the River Inn, Dreary displayed unusual energy in getting his show on the road early to accommodate the travesty known as CH3 Erections Night.

Down-Downs were awarded as follows:

The Hares, the aforementioned King Shit, Party Pumper, Hot Dog, Right Bun and Bum Titty.

Xena, Warrior Princess and Burning Bush for having survived 69 CH3 experiences (do their experiences give them special talents/insights about that magic number 69?)

New Boots Teresa, Maddie, and Dave. Visitor Dave (II) from Houston, and Archived Hashers Sorry and Flesh Wound.

One Nut Sue gave away the Hash Shit to Icedickle, who in order to earn this coveted award drove his car through the circle at the start of the run (and honked loudly to boot).

The Former CH3 Mismanagement was thanked with a beer.

The New Mismanagement was down-downed. They are:

Hash Master: Choirboy

Parade Queen: Pull It

Hash Trash: Krusty and Hot On Trail

Chief Scribes: Doris Day and Shooting Blanks

Jointmaster: Suck No Evil

Hash Mouth: Dreary

Hash Cash: My Little Pony, Twisted Sister, Smirk, and Skully

Hash Sexitary: King Shit

Hash Horns: ACD, Whalewanker, Dreary (as always)

Beer Looters: Hardly, Wet One, One Nut Sue, and Camshaft

Finally Wet One was given a glass of beer as a well-deserved thanks for putting up with the CH3 as Hash Mattress for the last year. Thanks to all of last year's Mismanagement for a job well done.

Overheard at the start of the run: Mydol's advice is to "Head south, go down 69^th". Sounds great - why don't you lead the way, Mydol?

Overheard at the On-In: Smirk to Ben-Wa: "I heard you want to play with my pencil."

Ben-Wa to persons unknown: "Don't dribble in my box!" I thought that was the whole point, Ben-Wa!

After the down-downs and erections were completed, the CH3 proved themselves true to form as they completely ignored Wet One's plea to act like adults for once in their lives and stampeded the tables where pizza and other snacks were served. I'm thinking of filing a complaint with the Alberta Human Rights Commission - it's so unfair that I wasn' t the first one to get to the food!

On On!

Blue Balls

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Crusty vs. Finite and Infinite Numbers

Finite = capable of being completely counted

Infinite = immeasurably great

There goes Crusty running another check back. This guy must have been dropped as a baby or the odor from his shorts has caused him to be delirious. Does he not realize that he has only a finite number of heartbeats, and he is wasting them on running check backs. Somewhere, some place recorded is the number of heartbeats that we are allotted to spend during this lifetime. I know some of you will confront me with the topic of past lives, life energies, auras and crap like that, but I suggest that you have another drink. The whole concept is an excuse to avoid truth, that God controls all such things. Crusty you should consider conserving your heartbeats for drinking and sex, as you do not have an infinite number of heartbeats.

Now if we had an infinite number of beers…what a concept! Can you imagine the hang-over!!

Well another year has come and gone, leaving a new bunch of hashers to manage the Calgary Hash House Harriers organization. Some how I managed to get roped into the position of "chief scribe" by Pool Boy Ron. Pool Boy Ron has been trying to convince me for months that this position is perfect for me... it must have been his blonde hair, blue eyes and warm smile that mesmerized me into saying "yes." I really do not want the position! So in turn I sucked Shooting Blanks into assisting me without his consent. He was very pleased by my decision, but is slowly warming up to it.

Shooting Blanks will be assisting me, as it has always been one of my dreams to be an editor of a publication. Ya, right! I am not that stupid or motivated nor have I been snorting glue. Gnu Moon and Pool Boy have coached both of us on formats, and vocabulary that can and cannot be used. Supposedly the word "fuck" is not allowed in the hash sheet, so I will do my best not to fucking use it. As for format, there are going to be changes, as I am not writing for National Geographic.

You may find my writing and editing skills bias, hypocritical, racist, sexist, scattered with religious overtones, arrogant, rude, untrue and poor at the best of times. I promised Shooting Blanks that I would have us skidded from this position in three weeks, as I plan to offend all hashers and mismanagement. So if you do not like the content of the hash sheet, complain to mismanagement, and not to me because I do not care! Even if you did complain to me I would just think you were "mad because you are fat."

• I will be writing a weekly "hash" commentary called "Check Back." that will contain a lot of crap like:
  • Why "e" is better than "pi".
  • A certain female hashers obsession that male hashers are staring at her ass all of the time. She is cute... but this is weird.
  • Why Skully kissed PK on the hash after his birthday, but not me? Maybe she is saving them for me next year
  • The tradition of the "hash shit"
  • Why the fuck can't you morons shut up during down-downs?
  • Changes to announcements in the circle, poor directions to runs, and out of city Monday hashes. These topics are pet peeves.
  • CHHH and drinking then driving.
  • Why is it a persons name reflects their character? For example the name "Dick."
  • Why is King Shit such a pain in the ass?

• I have included a list of when you will be scribing for the hash sheet. You may trade dates with other people, but I do not want to hear about it or organize you dumb shits. You have been assigned the job so get on with it! If you manage to screw it up you, and not get the scribe notes to me then they will not appear in the hash sheet. This will make my job easier but I would expect this would piss off the hash. If you do not like the way I am setting the scribing up &emdash; take along hard suck on my shit!

• As for advertising non-hash events in the hash notes &emdash; the answer is "No." But I am open to bribes... money, food and beer is a great start.

If you complain, you get the job of "chief scribe." As Shooting Blanks said "it will be easier to quit the hash, than do the hash sheet."

Doris Day