Run #939 - The Big Hairy Run (With Hills!!!)

September 4, 2000

Hare: A-Bomb
Where: Kutz Off Kensington, 2143 - 4 Ave NW
Attendance: 48

I don't know about anyone else, but this is the first time I had been to a Hash which was held inside a Beauty Salon. I did ponder before hand about what kind of bar calls itself "Kutz Off Kensington" and why it would be situated between two houses on a quiet street. But then I have been taught to ask no questions and I won't get any facetious answers.(but radical, hippie lesbian bar did cross my mind..)

Being that our newlywed Hash Mistress, Oral Fixation is off somewhere in B.C, playing pin the nail on the donkey, or is that let the old donkey get nailed, I can never remember, with her new hubby, Stranger, our Past It Master Knobby, filled in. The circling was going quickly and smoothly without the usual fifteen announcements (Left Bun was too hung over to bug us about the 1000th run) until the question of the Black Fanny Pack came up. In light of the near catastrophic run in with a wasps nest a few weeks ago, the Hash now has a First Aid Kit which is to be carried with us at all times just as so we can relinquish any and all liability. The only problem is, Xena The Warrior Princess was the only person who owned up to having any clue how to use it so, Knobby and Xena needed to discuss the usage and contents of the Kit, which at that moment, was primarily filled with condoms. Big ones, medium ones, ribbed ones, but much to Knobby's dismay, no extra slim ones. But fear not modestly built hashers, Horse With No Name has offered to bring in some finger condoms they use at his restaurant when someone cuts their finger.

While Knobby and Xena where at it, rumour raced around the circle of waiting hashers. Something to do with Kawky Whoreurr and David Spence (well known CFCN weatherman), a tiff perhaps, a lovers spat.the tears of dismay where not noticable on Kawky but obviously his car was caught in the middle of all this, it was DIRTY!!!! This scribe didn't actually run the course due to sore legs and spent most of the time chatting with Mum about chili, rings of fire and Dreary's cracked moon. None of this was as dirty as it sounds. So I can't really comment on the run except for how funny it was when that Great Dane tried to bugger Krusty's leg. I think it was Krusty's jammies that attracted it. (That last bit is made up). Back at the On In things got interesting. I personally thought it was very brave of A-Bomb to allow a crash of tiddly hashers to bash around her place o so many fun things to play with and break. One example would be the hair washing tubs. Krusty and

Julie were caught getting a little wet and wild when Krusty washed Julie's hair and succeeded in getting more water down the front of her T-shirt than on her head. There was even talk of bikini and back waxing but the strips of cotton were thankfully hidden away and just pouring hot wax on each other appealed to no one but Dreary. Hash Test Dummy had a dog chase her back to the On-in with the master chasing the dog, or was the master chasing Hash Test and the dog was ...oh never mind.

Thanks to an entire keg of beer, nibblies and the lack of angry bar patrons telling us to pipe down, this Hash was extremely enjoyable. So enjoyable in fact, that this scribe can only vaguely remember a woman dressed in animal skins and a jaunty hairpiece, arriving late in the evening. The reason for the costume was never explained, but now that I remember it was Stinky, none is needed.

DOWN DOWNS

  1. Pull It and Horse With No Name- Just say No is not part of their philosophy, celebrated their very first Wedding Anniversary!
  2. Quick to Swallow and Right Bun- downed for a sexual offence, were caught bush WHACKING by cutting OFF part of the trail
  3. Kingshit- overheard "going down one of Krusty's long ones" ( How many does the boy have.?)
  4. Twisted Sister- snitched on by Right Bun about holding the key to the Kutz Off and her indecision as to whether or not to let the hashers in before A-Bomb got back
  5. Right Bun- snitched on by White Balls, overheard speaking of her sexual endurance "when I go down, I don't come up again"
  6. Pick Your Part- Was presented with the New Hash shit, a lovely plastic pink flamingo, to match the equally lovely pink plastic rollers someone had attached to his head (told you there were a lot of things to play with)
  7. Bloody Mary and Hot on Trail- downed for snooping around an empty house up for sale
  8. New Boots and Visitors-Pat, Wade, Brenda, Dave and Cupla Weeks from Hobart, Australia.
And that is all,

On On!

Pull It and Horse With No Name


Channeling Gispert

Lacking inspiration from the living, or insight of any kind, we turned this week for a glimpse of the future to A.S.I. Gispert. For those of you familiar only with Knobby's companion, Stuffed Gispert, rest assured that Gispert was once more than a hood ornament, a floppy effigy, and Knobby's bridge partner. As the founder of Hashing in 1937, Gispert was the obvious choice for a hard-hitting interview on critical Hashing issues of the day. Unfortunately he's been dead for 58 years.

But given the critical nature of the upcumming H3 Erections, we wiped the cheetos and beer caps from the Ouija Board and induced an eerie trance (is there any other kind?) on Editor #2. (Editor #2 was chosen for his ability to be easily hypnotized, or his superior intelligence, or his valium dependency,) and conjured from the afterlife the Spirit of Gispert:

Editor #1: "What do you consider to be the most pressing issue facing the Calgary H3 today?

Voice of Gispert: (Amongst the groans of the dead and the rattling of chains,) Definitely the Erections. It's the chance for Hashers to stand up and be counted and to have a say in the direction of the group. Without it, people like Hardly and Oral Fixation/ Sexcellent would consolidate their power like Saddam Hussein's family, and run the Hash with iron fists of terror, and misery would rain down on the innocent and the slow."

Editor #2: "That would be bad."

Voice of Gispert: "Could be worse. Could be Wet One." (group shudder.)

Editor #1: "Tell us, disembodied one, what's Hashing like in the afterlife?

Voice of Gispert: Mostly good. The shiggy on the River Styx is pretty nasty, but the beer flows like manna. Actually beer is manna, but I'm probably not supposed to tell you that.

Editor #2: Mmmmm. Beer...

Editor #1: "Tell us how Hashing has changed since you founded it in 1937."

Voice of Gispert: "Lycra is a pretty disturbing development. Cross dressing runs are new, but remember we were British Army,so we spent half the time in women's clothing anyway.

Editor #2: "If you could change one thing about the Calgary Hash House Harriers, what would it be?

Voice of Gispert: "I'd take my effigy away from that Knobslinger character. I don't mind my likeness being tied to vehicles or dragged through the mud on runs, but I think taking it out to restaurants and dance clubs is a little odd, especially since he leaves that nice Left Bun at home half the time. We had a special room for fellows like that..."

Gispert's voice faded along with the smell of ectoplasm, as Editor #2 awoke for his 8:00 feeding and we were left to ponder these wise words from The Other Side.

On-On,

Yer Editors


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