Run #935 - The Cult of Personality and Crop Circles Run Behaviors

AUGUST 7, 2000

HareS: Stinky, Cums When Wet (and maybe Anal List)
Where: Friar's in Glenmore Landing
Attendance: 59

At the usual time of 7:00 p.m. (or thereabouts) on a pleasant summer evening, a gang of decrepit deviants gathered outside Friar's Pub in Glenmore Landing to wreak havoc and terror upon the unsuspecting residents of the nearby neighbourhoods. The Hash was called to a semblance of disorder by Hash Mattress Oral Fixation, now only a few weeks away from being shackled to Stranger for a lifetime of wedded bliss, or mutual antagonism and shared neuroses, or sexual frustration, or whatever you want to call it. Oral Fixation was evidently suffering from an inferiority complex or a need to dominate her fellow deviants (is this a harbinger of how her married life will turn out?) as she stood on a concrete light pole foundation to address the mob. New Boots Laurie and Shirley were introduced, followed by numerous announcements which featured an amazingly detailed description of the menu for the upcumming Full Moon Hash from Tiny Bubbles.

The Hares were then called upon to explain their markings. Stinky announced to all and sundry that the run would be conducted under "Stinky Rules". Her true personality as a dominatrix showed in her ruthless determination to rule the Hash - her way.

The pack took off towards Glenmore Reservoir. From an initial saunter towards Heritage Park and a miscue off towards the intersection of 14th Street and 75th Avenue, the trail led back up the hill by the boat launch (where Icedickle took a swim in the reservoir while attempting to lead other Hashers on a false trail - you really have to admire his demented dedication to the art of Hashing) through the Heritage Park parking lot after Anal-List pointed the way for the hopelessly confused pack through the outrageously expensive neighbourhood of Eagle Ridge. From there the trail headed through the bike path to Rockyview Hospital, where it ended in a checkback, and then east to cross 14th Street by way of the pedestrian overpass. On the way the CH3 gazed in amazement at several amazingly accurate checkback marks which had been spray-painted on the grass near the overpass, obviously far too neat to be the work of Hashers. They looked so much like crop circles that your scribe began to wonder if aliens were trying to abduct Hashers. If they were, we'd never have to worry about them wanting to invade the earth - such sorry specimens of humanity as the CH3 would leave them convinced that conquering Earth wasn't worth the trouble.

The trail then led through an alley and toward a playground, which quickly turned out to be another false trail. The real trail led south, across Heritage Drive, and farther south yet, through another long back alley before ending on an open street. The CH3 raced ever westward until 14th street was regained, then made a short turn south to 90th Avenue and back to Friar's. Along the way there was a well-marked spot where Icedickle apparently wiped out on his bike while setting the run as well as numerous reminders that we were doing this run under "Stinky Rules".

Back at Friar's down-downs were meted out thusly:

The Snitches were called forth and divulged the following:

Quote from Xena: "You can't please everyone all the time, but you can always please yourself".

And how! That's the motto you live by. Does Xena want to develop a profitable sideline demonstrating her methods of self-pleasure for other Hashers? We're always open-minded in the right places when it comes to things like that!

On On!

Blueballs


Ask Right Bun

Right Bun is away completing a fellowship in journalism at Cambridge University. She will be returning soon.


Our Space so Back Off!

All Apologies

There are several good reasons to dedicate an entire editorial to apologies and retractions. Avoiding liability and trying to minimize the threats of physical violence are the most obvious, but being creatures of High

Principle we prefer to think of this as the act of a kinder, more forgiving age, a Bill Clinton-ish time where sincerely expressed regrets and public apologies make an acceptable substitute for integrity. So without further ado we'd like to apologize to the following Hashers for misrepresenting their sexual and/or species preference:

Shagadelic, One Nut Sue, ACD, Anal Explorer (could you blame us?) and Bobbin' Robin.

To these Hashers we'd like to express our regrets for slandering their physical appearance, hygiene, and/or ability to drink beer:

Suck No Evil, King Shit, Twisted Sister and Shagadelic

The following list represents Hashers whom we wish to hug in reparation for: scratching the paint jobs on their cars, sniffing their running shoes and/or stealing gnomes from their gardens:

Flat, Gnu Moon, Mom, Cums When Wet, Krusty

As for these Hashers, we'd like to retract our unwarranted accusations of editor-stalking:

Spanker Banker, Zuke-cummer, Velvet, Alouette and Icedickle

Most appallingly, we wish to make amends to the following Hasher for pointing out his grotesque birthmark (thought by editor #1 to resemble Charles de Gaulle, though editor #3 thinks it looks more like a walrus):

Shagadelic (this is actually next week's editorial; we regret it nonetheless.)

And finally, we are REALLY REALLY sorry for the death sentence we imposed on:

Beige

If anyone knows his whereabouts (last seen sharing a pot of Earl Grey with Salman Rushdie), Please tell him it's safe to come home.

On-On,

Yer Editors


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