Hares: P'tooey, Spear Me and Crazy Horse
Where: Bowness Park
On In: Salt & Pepper Mexican Restaurant, 6515 Bowness Road NW
One Day < Monday July 31, 2000
Here is the transmission from my once removed aunty. Her name is Jo Jo the psychic, you may have seen her on the tele......................OneNutSue (ONS), ONON!
Let me look into my crystal ball and see what I can see............................
"I see a circle, I see trees and a river................ It's quite a pretty place actually, except for the lycra clad bodies creating the circle............... In the middle of the circle I see more lycra clad bodies, they look scared, very scared! Two people dressed in Mexican outfits then start drawing large symbols on the ground. First an H then an O then an X, maybe HOX, I am not quite sure...........It's getting blurry, I've lost it, I've lost the vision. Maybe if you, One Nut Sue, could rub my ball with your hand the vision will come back................Oh yes that is much better, that feels very good, the vision is cumming back..................I now see the lycra clad bodies running through trees, maybe an Ewok forest (sort of like the one in Star Wars). I see trumpets being blown, at least it looks like she is blowing a trumpet. My oh my that is definitely not a trumpet!..............Let's move on...........The lycra clad bodies then run over the river, they seem to be running on water. That is it, the lycra clad bodies are actually angels from above, that is why they can run on water..... No! Hold it they are fairies not angels, that is a bridge they are running on....................It's getting blurry again. One Nut Sue, rub my ball.........................The vision is cumming back........I now see the lycra clad bodies all over the place, this way and that, it looks like mass confusion. Then there is more horn blowing, in the bushes there is all sorts of blowing going on, it looks very messy down there. I am not sure about the vision that I see now! It seems that the lycra clad bodies have ended up back where they started, they have been running in circles. What a strange custom, running in circles totally lost..............It's getting blurry again. The vision is now gone, I see nothing...................................... ! One Nut Sue, keep rubbing my ball. You never know it may cum back................................That is it One Nut Sue, you rub well. It has cum back..............................................I see a beach in Mexico, no, maybe that is Bowness. It seems that everything is becoming slurred and blurry, its' not my ball either. I think they have had too many tequila's............That is it, my crystal ball has jammed. I think it is a software glitch. Maybe a few of those Cervesas will help, bring on the Nachos,........ Ola.......... Hey meester how much for your seeester?......que passa amigo? A big thanks to Jo Jo the Psychic for her wonderful powers.......... The real hash happening is to be submitted soon!!!.....................ONS
by One Nut Sue (Jo Jo was very close!)
The sun was shining and the birds were chirping in the tranquil Bowness Park. Wet One had celebrated the recent hot weather with a well appointed Denver Sun tattoo. When Smirk wasn't looking she showed it to any man that would look (she paid each one of us a loonie), we all got to see the new decoration. Lets say it was shining where the light has never shined before. The next 10 minutes were taken up with the regular frivolity. The new boots; Lesley, Diane, and Andree. Archives; Prairie Beaver. Visitor; Icebox from Edmonton (she looks suspiciously like another Edmonton hasher, Oyster (Now that brings back bad mammories). All of these special (as in Olympics) people were ceremoniously invited to the center of the circle. They look like deer standing on the freeway 10 seconds before hitting the grill of a '78 cab-over Peterbilt. That was how scared they looked. The hashers then introduced themselves, starting with Baby and moving in an orderly clockwise fashion, stopping at Whale Wanker for his usual recital. Then we had the announcements, Stinky's Rocky Mountain Hash, Choir Boy/ Pool Boy's COGS and Mom's Crazy All Night Golf. She claims that Tiger Woods a.k.a. Styck it in the Hole (Hash name) will be doing something with his balls at this event. Rumor has it that he will be filling the coveted Claret Jug with cold Alberta Big Rock and sharing with all.
Then the hares, yes the hares. A fearless pair of chappies, looking like retired Navy Seals in their formed fitting lycra. You could see that these guys have seen a lot of action, a long time ago. P'Tooie, Spear Me and Crazy Horse then took us through the pre-race check list. X and O and O and X and then the X in the O. The new boots looked lost already. To confuse them even more the walkers had their own trail. Yes, 2 trails! It was clearly marked with wubbleue's, how thoughtful. We then had a history lesson on the birth of the Hash, we apparently were celebrating Gispert's birthday. He was the original founder of the Hash way back before WW1 (1914-1918). Sir Hemorhoid told me that Gispert and he grew up in the same village back in the motherland. As young boys they played together, chasing the girls in the daycare and the sheep on the mountains.
On with the run,................we were off, like a Jewish foreskin. The first water crossing posed an interesting spin on the hashing. Many hashers opted for the dryer land option. I heard Takes It Laying Down, and nameless others, state that they didn't want to get their shoes wet, they ought to be publicly pissed on! Anal-list had set up a nice little business helping females only across the water, of course there was a fee to be paid to the ferry master. I will not go into details on the transaction of his little service, it will be enough to say that everyone got a little moist. Icedicle helped Groupee get extra moist with the ride of her life. Then we all went into the bush. We all know that anything that goes in must cum out and in and out and in and out. Knobby seemed to miss most of the branches, he actually wanted more pricks. The rest of us kept getting smacked in the head (who said head) with big nasty thorny branches. When we emerged from the bush we were in a trailer park! I noticed that all the residents had their rabbit ears tuned to Jerry Springer. New boot Diane told me that she had never been running on the north of the river before, this was scary as we were actually on the south side of the mighty Bow. The bushes became a lot more dense, Sir Hemorhoid said it reminded him of the jungle training in Belize when he was in the Special Forces. He then said he wanted to show me his big machete, he whipped it out and started swinging. I was out of there in a real hurry! ACD held the bush open for me, it was an incredible experience, wow!. She really knows how to please a man. Up ahead (who said head) a buzzing noise is cumming from the bushes, it seems that a swarm of African killer bees were nesting directly in the path of the hashers. The bees migrate each year to Alaska U.S.A. and were sheltering form the upcoming storm before moving on to their spawning grounds. Air Brakes came out of the bush and created some panic as we noticed he was out of breath. I think it may have had something to do with the action in the bush. It seemed like ACD was holding the bush open for more than just me. I asked ACD what she liked about the trail, she stated that getting wet was the best part of the whole night, go figure. I then overheard Andree telling Pull It that she can not do it by herself, even on a ladder. ACD offered to help her out. Hot Dog claims that placing manure on it will make it grow every time, once it grows you can then eat it. Don't forget Pole Vault, clean sex is safe sex so wash your vegetables before inserting.
P.S.A. (Public Service Announcement).............Gentleman (and Ladies, if you like that kind of thing and really, there is nothing wrong with that if that is what you like, it's a freeworld) of the Hash it should be noted that you have to practice safe hashing while in the bush, let's all be careful out there. Icedicle came out of the bush looking a little ripped (we are not talking his abs!) it was not a pretty sight. He was spotted in the bush not practicing safe hashing with Hot Flashes, take heed fellow hashers and keep it clean (drip drip drip)................
Back at the Big Rock / Pure Water Shop regroup, stories were being swapped of how many stings everyone had received, Gnu Moon claimed he had received a Thousand Pricks up the bum. Other hashers were just talking about their body parts swelling. Hardly said it had never swollen that big before and was going back for another pass. This time with his shorts around his ankles. Krusty a.k.a. F.R.B, was sent with his fleet feet to summons an Epinephrine pen that Pussy Killer had stashed in the parking lot. He returned and went to work sticking his prick in anything that would take it. I was not there for this and only know about it through 3rd hand information, man that boy has a lot of spunk.
The rest of this story takes place in a quaint little part of Bowness. Salt and Pepper was a little bit of Mexico right on Bowness Road. A great summer On In where the beer seemed to flow freely, well that's what I was told !!! The down down ceremony was finished in record time to accommodate the passing storm. Hats off (there's a story there) to Hardly who puts up with real bad working conditions at the best of times. Three cheers for the R.A. , hip hip hooray!
The beerloot was collected by 007, Krusty and Blue Balls took the final deposits on the Hash Cash.
Whale Wanker volunteered to be the choir. He said that it reminds him of the time he was with the vicar, singing saprano in the vestibule of the cathedral. A thousand Hail Marys for that collared gentleman.
The Hares had to down beer for setting the best trail in the year 2000. Hash Test Dummy was given beer in a boot for completing 50 runs, Fuhkawee and Krusty (assisted by Burning Bush) were honored for completing the Cross Calgary Ultra, 59km of pure hell sponsored by the Running Room. Sean was named Gland in Hand, he looks like he has real good wrist action. Don't forget guys and girls that Sean has been practicing a lot to become as smooth as he is, practice makes perfect. New namings were rumoured for the next On In, Scully renamed Johnny Harder (voted by Sir Hemorhoid)
Lori (bank manager) Deposit Box and Julie (observed biting the back of One Nut Sue) Spine Sucker.
The snitches Mydol and Knobby reported that Pole Vault was pointing down the trail with his woody and Groupee saw nothing but pricks in the bushes, down downs for all.
The Hash Shit was awarded to Neon Stripper for being on an internet video of some sort. It seems that he was a stand in for John Holmes in his latest Californian production. A new hasher Sum Yung Guy was down downed for wearing new clean shoes, I think that he was totally overcum by the whole procedure, I hope we see him again.
As the beer flowed so did the information. It seems that Who's on Bottom has a very open relationship with his partner Madonna. The non-hasher patron, with the low cut dress, found this story very European and wanted more details! Pole Vault claims he knows Park Rangers and with their help he could violate a wild elk, very easily when ever he wants. Krusty explained that Icebox was laying only inches from him, how could she have resisted that hard packed body all night? I am sure that a little bit steam was made.
The clouds finally opened up and let it rip, it poured and poured. Everyone went home and the night was just a memory..........
...............One Nut Sue (ONS)
Recently, while reading the instructions on a package of dental floss, Editor #3 was overcome by the staggering implications of modern technology. "If we can clean our teeth with string, what other marvels will come along to alter and improve my lifestyle?"
Well, if you think being a Hasher is a simple life, running and drinking and wringing mud from your shorts and other forms of pleasant primitivism, prepare yourself for the new century's technologies and how they will change The Hash, for better or worse:
DVD: Exciting new video technology will enable us to view exciting Hash events in minute detail: like the Nude Spokane Interhash
MP3: Couldn't find this in Editor #2's October 1976 edition of "Popular Mechanics" (though there was a feature on how to turn your Studebaker's heater fan into a ham radio,) but we hear it threatens to distribute Hash anthems around the world without regard to copyright or local obscenity laws.
Vibrating Pagers: We have it on good authority that Smirk already carries one, though we're not sure where, but it explains his constant smile, in spite of his challenging domestic situation.
Lycra: Not so new, but still a wondrous technology which has much in common with nuclear energy, as it has the potential to do both much good and much that is undeniably evil.
Linux: Again, we couldn't find out much about it, but noticed the share prices of the hash news doubled every time we printed the word Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux..............
Palm Pilots: We just liked the sound of these.
So we ordered six.