Run #918 - The Easter Bonnet Run

A few brave souls sporting Easter bonnets of various descriptions, as well as a whole slew of more conservative hashers joined at the Red Fox Pub beside the downtown Ramada Inn for yet another evening of abuse. The first thing they screwed up was the circle, which ended up being sort of kidney-shaped. After a quick review of the marks used in this run, the hares Mum and Twisted Sister set us loose, dodging traffic and ignoring traffic signals to make our way through downtown Calgary toward the river.

Fortunately the trail went over the Princes Island bridge, and not through the river. It was here that our sleazy Hot Dog was accosted by some young skate boarders, asking if she had any acid to sell them. Then the impossible happened! Mum and Twisty had the nerve to send the pack UP THE HILL! Who would have ever guessed that these two notorious back-of-the pack walkers would have done this! This really threw Smirk off and he got totally fucked up and turned left and went back to the On-In down 10th Street. He was followed by a few sheep.

Most of the rest of the pack got it right and came back across the river on the partly demolished Center Street Bridge. After this it was an easy trot back to the Red Fox for some refreshment and bullshitting.

At the bar, Harder and Deeper was seen wearing a 3^rd place ribbon for S&M! Unfortunately she wasn't wearing her outfit. I wonder who took first place? Perhaps it was our trusty RA Hot Flashes who arrived wearing black leathers and a Zorro hat. It wasn't long before she dealt out obedience training to Smirk for his stupid mistake on the run.

Mum and Twisty were duly rewarded for their efforts, as were the archived hashers Raghead and Lumberjack, and newboot Julie (look out Spanker, she's even faster than Krusty!). Then Dave Harrison was christened Slow Hump, and Tara got the name Boufante (Big Salad?) due to her big hair.

Then came some MAJOR milestones! In anticipation of this great event, Pull It lovingly warmed the half-yard long bulbous grail between her hot thighs, as Dreary was called up to the front to accept his down down for completing 800 runs with CH3. As Dreary made his way groveling on his ample belly toward the front, the warm liquid between Pull Its legs was nearing the perfect temperature for consumption. Dreary rose and took the nectar from between Pull Its legs..... but was then informed this was Krusty's vessel! From the sidelines came a FULL YARD of amber nectar. After Krusty lead the crowd to his and Dreary's favorite song, Dreary amazed everyone by actually downing the full yard in less than 2 minutes! Dreary later informed me that the FULL YARD had only been done at the CH3 on one other occasion, and that it was he who had done it.

Pretty impressive trivia!

Next was Krusty who has a bit more of a life than Dreary and has only completed 200 runs. He downed his puny half yard in the same time it took Dreary to do the BIG ONE, and then received a nice Hash Jacket for being a nice guy and contributing all that money to the Hash every week.

There were other assorted down downs... one for all the hashers who actually wore an Easter Bonnet, one for Lakey and P'tooie for beating the odds for the first year, the mini-shit down down for Icedickle for forgetting the full-size Hash Shit. Then we were finally done.

Prior to leaving for the night, TNT was overheard telling Cigarette Girl that she wants to suck his toes in the hot tub, and Sir Hemeroid was observed with a massive woody that extended at least one foot past the top of his head. He was sitting close to Wet Box at the time, but I arrived to late to see how she managed to cause this. Did some say super Viagra?

On-On,

Slippery Armpit a.k.a. Jake the Slippery Snake

Spring is here and as street-weary hashers re-introduce themselves to the muck and mire of our local woodlands, we'll no doubt encounter nature at it's most pristine. But adjusting to nature after several months of running through The Gap and various parkades has generated some questions on how to identify Calgary's local flora and fauna which your editors are happy to help with, by introducing our first annual ....

Prairie Crocus

An indigenous and early blooming flower. Grows in open grassland. Can be identified by its delicate hairy purple leaves, or by the purple smear on the bottom of Gnu Moon's Nikes.

Potentilla

A famous local shrub with brilliant pink mid-summer blooms. Experienced Hashers will be familiar this shrub from pulling thorns from their sweaty, bleeding limbs. Romping naked around these plants can cause severe scarring (refer to Stranger's backside.)

Richardson's Ground Squirrel

The common gopher. This cute little fellow is responsible for hundreds of torn Hasher ligaments and cracked ankles (don't believe Bum Titty's rough sex with Barb Higgins story.)

Grey Squirrel

An intelligent and harmless tree-dwelling rodent, favourite of local children and nature lovers. Great in fondues. See Krusty for recipes.

Blood-sucking leeches

Common in all the best shiggy, these friendly fellows are a hashers most loyal companion. Regular exposure to leeches will help regulate the fluid retention resulting from excessive beer consumption. Carry a few leeches in your shorts pocket. We do.

On-On,

Yer nature-loving Editors