Run #915 - The Suck But Don't Swallow Run

Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, many warm weather hashers have rejoined our group after a long, snow filled winter. Facing the largest circle yet of her recent reign, Sexcellent struggled to give the 90 plus group of rambunctious hashers an oral fix on what was happening in the world of hashing. After more than a few introductions and the usual litany of announcements, Pole Vault and Hare of the Dog lept into the centre to demonstrate the marks for the first daylight evening run of the new millenium.

And then they were off. The long pants that is, as many a winter whitened knobby knee made its presence, except for newer hasher Cindy, who had listened to the weather forecast for Tuktoyuktuk instead of Calgary and showed up in a long, but fashionable, ski parka. The run started due west into the warm sunshine and promptly ran into a checback. Five minutes later, back at the start again, we headed east this time towards the city. After a little bit of zigging and zagging through the streets of Valley Ridge we arrived at an escarpment overlooking the Bow River far below. We ran half way down the cliff and then parallel to the river through the trees and foliage until we reached the base of the Stony Trail Bridge. Whilst maneuvering on this section we encountered many icy patches in the shady areas which most hashers managed to navigate with some dignity if not great form. Dastardly was not among that group. The result of his pas-de-deux on the ice left him looking like the "before" picture in a laundry soap commercial.

Apparently for some, an education was also being gained this evening in addition to exercise and beer. Wet One, in her best daily occupation form, was overheard teaching the about to be newly betrothed a lesson in marital politics. The trick is, she lectured her all harrierette audience, not to swallow even before you are married. That way your prospective groom won't realize this is even an available option and won't be moved to request such a service after the marriage takes place. Then Camshaft overheard ACD lecturing on various other sexual education topics while running the trail. I'm guessing it must be Spring.

From the bottom of the Stony Trail Bridge it was a steep climb up to the top of the ridge followed by some more zigging and zagging through Valley Ridge's winding streets. We finally arrived back at the on-in via a playground on the south side. Along this path I learned of Bigger, Harder, Deeper and No Staying Power's inventive route across the golf course in true Dastardly style. Dastardly, however, who for years was considered ill if he was on trail for more than five minutes of an entire run, now contents himself to run with velcro mitts along with the rest of the sheep.

Speaking of things noticed along the trail. A convalescing Cigarette Girl claimed it was the best run he had ever walked on, but, the beer service on route was a little slow. And if you wondered who was beeping on trail, that was Hash Test Dummy's pager alerting her to the fact 2 that her clean socks were finally ready at the dry cleaners. HTD claimed she only wore her original, unwashed, namesake socks as a tribute to another hasher.....Stinky, who for the first time in about a month managed to leave the on-in dressed in something other than talcum powder.

I happened to notice newer hasher Denise talking with Swallow It at the on-in. She was enquiring how he got his name and S.I. was graciously offering to demonstrate for her when Wet One intervened and told Denise not to....well...swallow it and a really great ending to this story kind of died right there.

RA's Hardly and Hot Flashes then summoned Party Pumper, Right Bun, Moonshine and Lakey to serve in the all female off key choir. Following their first musical performance, the down downs were awarded thusly:

1. to the Hares, Pole Vault and Hare of the Dog for a nicely set run amonst the flora and fauna with a great river view.

2. Nipple Detector, for damaging Pole Vault's flora and fauna with his vertical off trail climb. As Nip had departed early, the thirsty P.V. accepted Nip's beer as partial compensation for his flaggelated flowers.

3. Archives, new boots and visitors including, but perhaps not limited to, Dolly Barter, Helen, Cindy, Hi-balls and Flat.

4. One of the numerous Cindy's in attendance was named Groupee, less for her musical admiration inclinations and more for her answering nature's call while informing a large group of hashers nearby.

5. Wet Dreams was concerned that her friends were having too much fun at the hash and decided she couldn't let them cum by themselves. I guess she just wanted to lend her helping hand. Fittingly, Wet Dreams was awarded a giant English cucumber which she dipped in her beer after removing the shrink wrap with her experienced teeth. She then deep throated the quivering vegetable. Wet One, who I had always thought was a vegetarian, never the less, screamed at Wet Dreams not to swallow.

6. The Banfffff to Calgary Hash Running team (and F Troop reminiscers) including, amongst others, Xeena the warrior princess, Anal-yst, Cums when wet, Sir Hemmeroid, Spanker Banker, Ice dickle, Pool Boy Ron and Stinky.

7. Newer boot Denise was named "Zero" because whenever she noticed a check mark on trail, she exclaimed, "Oh look, there's another one of them zero's". Ok, so perhaps not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but, what was Mr. Balls excuse?

8. Blue Balls, keeper of the cash and fine food tester, thought he could avoid having to run with the hash shit by convieniently forgetting it. No such luck. The RA's carry spares. So Mr. Balls will now run with his own matching set of UPA's (unique plumbing appliance).

9. Golden Showers, the first snitch of the evening, called up Flat for being too demure at the start of the run to go into the circle because of his archived status. Sorry Flat, secrets don't last long with this group because, as almost everyone knows, large amounts of beer drinking and well kept secrets are generally regarded as mutually exclusive.

10. Spear Me was snitch number two and his was a riveting tale of his name being taken a little too literally. He barely escaped being made a permanent hood ornament on the front of a van being driven too quickly to drop off one late arriving harrierette. Apparently, Wet Dreams was up to her previously referred to oral activities which impacted her early arrival and almost the poor Spear Me as well.

11. Theo, the owner of Van Gogh's who provided us with plenty of hot food, cold beer, and a little dance number he had been working on.

12. And finally, Krusty was called up to announce a fundraiser at Shanks. Krusty, a little too shy to get close to the microphone had trouble making his voice reach Whale Wanker at the back of the room. After saying "what'd he say?" far too many times, Wanker came up to assist Krusty read his announcement. To most of us, this probably didn't even sound like a good idea at the time and Wanker's subsequent unique oratory delivery only confirmed our earlier suspicions

ODDS & SODS, BITS & BYTES, THIS & THAT:

The good news is that Right Bun, Cigarette Girl, Flesh Wound and Shagadelic have become radio station hash promoting personalities...The bad news is that their time slot is 6 a.m.

P'tooie and Lakey have returned from their trip across the pond to visit Queen Betty. They flew Big Rock Air, the airline that doesn't give air miles. Instead, they award a free beer for every time zone passed through. The excessively thirsty Pyro, who can 't resist a free beer regardless of how far he has to go to get it, bought his ticket and flew to England this week.

The as yet unnamed Carmel, who admits to some difficulty in controlling the direction of her balls, volunteered that she found the run a little dry for her tastes. Sounds like the Bun's first 4 shiggy run of the season tonight ought to satisfy this harrierette who says the wetter, the better! We all hope she got a chance to run next to King Shit or Fuckawee.

Beaver Flats and T 'n T have started cumming together. They claim this is only because they live in close proximity to eachother, but, reliable sources tell me that unfortunately all their first choices were either married or into sheep.

Right Bun, of the new column in the hash sheet, "ASK RIGHT BUN", who has all the answers and only needs someone to ask her the questions, was noticed sitting at the bar with her legs extended back over her head. "That's as far as I go" she said, unless, of course, somebody buys me a drink. Which someone really should for her very useful insert in last week's hash sheet entitled "guidelines to Hares and Hashers".

On-On,

Monsieur Kawky Whoreurrrrrrr
Scribe to the not quite yet ready for prime time players

Our Space so Back Off!

On-On,

Yer Editors