Run #909 - The Great Hat Napper Run

February 21, 2000

Hares: Krusty, Flesh Wound and Cigarette Girl
Special Covert Hares: The Criminal Element
Location: Senior Frog's

Due to unforeseen difficulties with uncontrollable vomiting and dry heaving, both the Scribe and Co-Scribe were unable to record the events of last Monday's Hash run. . What a party though!

So as a means of compensation to our readers and followers of this small but influential scribbling, I have attached a few pictures of the night. Some of you may still be having night mares over it. Sorry about the hellish flash backs but the truth must be told.

I do recall that the "Circle Up" was the shortest that I can recently recall. I'm sure it had nothing to do with threat of arrest or jail time. I truly thought that I would ever hear Butthead say, "We've got to be out of here in 5 minutes so everyone listen up!"

Well thankfully we have some fast talking Hashers to keep us all out of jail and the run shortly proceeded without a hitch.

Now the actual run was an episode of Leonard Nimoy's "In-Search-Of... Hardly's Hat". Clues were stratigically places all over the downtown core that causes some of our

downtown illiterate Hashers some problems with locating the locations of some of the deco art in our fine city. Here's a great example of a clueless Hasher searching for the next clue. Just wait a minute... weren't you a hare on this run Krusty???

We ran all over the damn place with a number of short cutting bastards in the crowd, from what I heard. An not that it's very polite to say names or point but one I was told has the initials W.E.T.O.N.E. Don't ask me who that is because she scares the shit out of me and I like the way I walk!

Onward and onward the poor old RA Hardly (carrying a lot more weight than usual) was slowly pulling up the/his rear.

Hell, at one point I thought it was a COGS ride when Hardly rode into the Greyhound Bus depot on a bike.

Fortunately the Security had a very good sense of humor and Hardly was able to retrieve the ransom drop off location where his hat maybe.

Dazed and confused, mostly due to the fact that he only had 2 beer left from the run. And when asked what happened to the other beer the slurred response was "What others???. Well at least our motto "A Drinking Club with a Running Problem" is alive and well!

During the Down Downs, there were so many great things that happened but who know I would have to remember the details. My memory is just not as good as it once was. I forget were I park my truck every time I go to the malls!

I do remember that Shagidelic got to give or receive a body shot from Deeper Longer Harder oh Baby you rock my world... Oop wrong tape in the Dictaphone. I have no idea why he was the fortunate one but later on I did ask him "Was it good" and his response to that was "You bet. I even used some tongue!. I hope the recipient also enjoyed it?

I suggest you remonise about the evening, remember the good times and don't bother me about it or I may verbally bash you in the Editorial!


Cigarette Girl under pressure!!!!

Our Space so Back Off!

Flesh Eating Zombie Cheerleaders Welcoming Back the Walkabouters and the Dangers of Reverse Culture Shock

During the Editorial Department's weekly public service meeting (held regularly after our "misleading headline" brainstorming session,) we postponed our Teaching the Bosnians to Read Project and our much-anticipated Teaching the Illiterate to Handle Automatic Weapons seminar in order to address a pressing issue: acclimatizing our returning international Hashers to Canadian culture. Reverse culture shock is the much ignored, yet devastating, syndrome that caused Neil Armstrong, returning from lunar wanderings, to irrationally fear plants and air and gravity, and forever crippled his golf game ("fifty bucks says I can go orbital with a seven iron.") We couldn't stand by without offering helpful advice. We're too sensitive.

  1. Cars here drive on the right side. As Hashers you're obliged to block traffic regardless, but it's only sensible to remember which way they're coming from.
  2. While we know that Canada leadership looks shabby, boring and uninspired, replacing our politicians with criminals and the deranged is not a solution. It was tried in B.C.
  3. Beer comes in more than one flavour. And before Tiny Bubbles opens one with his teeth and then recycles it against his forehead, someone please remind him that we usually drink out of pint glasses.
  4. Shiggy with crocodiles is really only a seasonal problem here, and the crocodiles are really just leeches.
  5. Knobby's idea to replace the Saddledome with "the biggest mother of all red rocks," would be impractical and displeasing to Calgary's eight remaining hockey fans, though no one denies the aesthetic appeal.
  6. Right Bun's new down-under moniker "Sheila the Lover of Marsupials," is awkward and would attract undue attention from yobbos in the Hash circle. (Ask your editors if you need a definition of "Yobbo." Or just take a good look at him.)
  7. Leave the Crocodile Dundee hat at home, Stranger. Dark forces are at work in the Hash and no hat is safe. Maybe bring the big knife instead.
  8. Australian Hash Shit looks exotic, but if it has eight legs and it's bigger than a terrier, don't expect to pass it off anytime soon.
  9. Sexcellent's new rugby team will probably consume more than she can reasonably provide, and will cause questions with Immigration. Just pass them off as refugees from a Gap sweat shop and leave them in the Vancouver airport. No one will understand a word they say, anyway.
  10. We don't expect Left Bun to return from down under after she finds meaningful employment in a Sydney karoake bar, but we wish her well and remind her that if she wants to make sense with her Hash hymns, replace Woodpecker with Kookaburra.

On on mates,

Yer Editors

Greetings to the Crriminal Element

After the run Monday, during which I drank beer, and beer at the down downs, I reflected on the last few runs without the "Sacred Hat", I have realized the fun we had, and the creativity and the planning for the Monday night down downs.

The night "The Hat" disappeared, I was worried that I had lost it. To my relief, I received word that "The Hat" had been hat napped. I offered a reward for the safe return of "The Hat", this reward, the only acceptable reward for hashers, was beer. Thus began the chase. The next Monday, the Hardly's had a prepared statement, that was read in the circle. The Crriminal Element rebutted with a ransom note. We replied by offering the Half Yard of beer to the Crriminal Element, and with Dowee, Cheetem and Howe, represented by the Queen of Mean.

The picture of "The Hat" on Phooh's head, was great, we knew that "The Hat" had survived. Ironically, this photo reminded Hardly of his past life as a Safe___ Clerk (bad word). The tour of the Run___ Store was traumatic for "The Hat" and Hardly, because Hardly does not consider himself a runner, only a hasher!!. Riding the security dog was a thrill, walking the cat walks in high fashion shows in Europe was enthralling to say the least, having coffee is "The Hats" favorite pastime. We would like to apologize to the Crriminal Element Security Dog, for injuring him, but we will not pay the medical expenses, as it was in self defense. The Dr. was great, but the nurse was even better, she provided service above and beyond the call of duty. After this encounter, with the pipes cleaned, "The Baby Bonnets" were born.

The capers around Calgary were the highlight o. "The Hats" life so far. "The Hat" enjoyed all the many sights of Calgary, and the people he met. Thank you to all the hounds for helping us to find "The Hat".

Without this sounding to mushy, I the RA Hardly, would like to express my thanks, and congratulations to the Crriminal Element on making the last few weeks challenging, creative and a lot of fun for fellow hashers. This is what the hash is about!!. (Twisted Sister and I just finished copious amounts of wine, about 2.5 litres.)




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