Run #861 - In Honour Of the Queen

May 24, 1999

Hares: Smirk & Fuhkawee
Location:: Fuhkawee's house in Royal Oak
On-In: Suds 'n' Spuds, 5720 Silver Springs Bv NW

BLOW is a figure of speech! Except when you live in Royal Oak on the outskirts of Cochrane. With gale force winds howling around us we were forced to endure the sand-blasting associated with a neighbourhood that has more construction sites than houses. After waiting extra long to allow the riders of the Golden Triangle to join us, it eventually became apparent that, being hashers, they had no intention of running after what they'd suffered over the weekend and simply wanted their absence to have an impact.

Once the farce of believing any of them would show up was exposed, Queen Stranger stepped up in his capacity as second-fiddle to Queen Knobslinger and circled the pack. In a highly unusual move, Queen Stranger didn't forget any of the Hash Master duties we had become accustomed to being left by the wayside. Even more unusual was the pack extended their respect to him and only rabbited in soft voices. New boot Queen Erica, Visitors Queen Shep and Queen Anti Hash from the Royal Berkshire, UK Hash, the Queen Duke of Hurl from the Queen Owen Hart killing Kansas City Hash, and Queen Ayatollah from the Winnipeg Hash (who was clearly not as eager to be recognised as Queen King Shit's brother as QKS was to have everyone know it) joined archived hashers queen Baby and Queen Gopher Broke in the center of the circle to meet and greet the Calgary Hash.

Following a bunch of useless announcements about Run # 863 being a Retro Pub Crawl Night costing $15 which gets you your beer all night but no food, starting at 7:00 pm from the Embassy at 9 Ave. & 5 St. beside Cowboys, and a bunch of other events which will already be over by the time this gets printed we finally were introduced to the hares for the evening.

Queen Fukahwee and Queen Smirk promised a shiggy filled run that would apparently get Queen Krusty so excited he was warned to leave his underwear behind. Black socks being the fashion statement of the evening, the hares taunted us with threats of putrid cesspools which succeeded in arousing Queen King Shit, scaring the pack into quickly running off.

Hashing through the precursor to a neighbourhood that exists around Her Majesty Fukahwee's house, it was only a matter of time before the run deteriorated into jumping from one stagnant toilet to the next. With the dry, dusty construction area between, packing layer upon layer of mud was as close as any of us will ever come to designing our own shoes. Cresting the highest point of land for miles and leaning spread eagled into the wind, Queen Hardly provided a little performance art, mimicking the Titanic by quickly going down. Queen Kate Winslet should go down as fast.

Returning to the temporary acreage community of Royal Oak, the pack quickly jumped in their vehicles and tried to lose each other on the way to Suds and Spuds. Selecting an enthusiastic choir of Queen Always with Wings, Queen Twisted Sister, Queen P'tooey and Queen Polevault, our illustrious Religious Adviser partnership of Queen Fukahwee and Her Majesty Wet One began the horrendous punishments appropriate for a run containing so many atrocities.

The new boots (Queen Erica), visitors (Queen Shep, Queen Anti Hash, Queen Duke of Hurl and Queen Ayotolah), and archived hashers (Queen Baby and Queen Gopher Broke), were regrouped to be downed.

Shiggy Pigs Queen King Shit, Queen Dreary and Queen P'tooey were downed for running through all the shiggy they could find whether it was on trail or not.

The hares Queen Fukahwee and Her Majesty Smirk were downed for not running the trail through the landfill only a kilometre away. Queen Wansy was named (Queen) So Shoe Me. Perhaps a request for a blacksmith?

Queen Lost in Space was downed for fropping on the actual trail making it impossible for anyone to believe that was the way to go. Doing the nasty with carrots finally paid off for Queen Lumberjack, improving his eyesight enough to allow him to spot marks for the end trail from the middle of the trail.

Queen Erica was named (Queen) Flesh Wound for a sprained ankle during the run.

Clearly not possessing anything resembling a life, Her Majesty Dreary was downed on the occasion of his 750th run with the Calgary Hash House Harriers. That's missing less than seven runs a year since the CH3 began 16 years ago. Considering a large number of those days missed were spent hashing elsewhere it's clear the man's a raving loony. We could use more like him....as cannon fodder, or backfill. 24 seconds after starting the half yard it had to be taken away from him for fear he'd think is was his alone.

The Hash Shit was passed like gas from Queen Butthead to Queen Oral Fixation. Apparently in her enthusiasm to participate in all aspects of hashing she neglected to leave her hat on.

Queen Butthead gave the Wheel of Death a mighty spin landing it on "SPANKING", which should clearly be an auction item for both participants. Queen Krusty was invited up to do the dirty deed after having spent the weekend camping with Queen Oral Fixation and her friends but not receiving any item of her clothing in payment for services rendered. It seems Queen Krusty wasn't too upset as his polite pat of her bottom raised howls of protest from the gathered throng eager for blood or at least a mooning.

Her Royal Highney Wet One demonstrated the form she reserves for the parents of unruly schoolchildren by soundly pummelling Queen Krusty's ars.

And then we drank. Pausing occasionally to embarrass ourselves or others with snippets of conversation taken out of context and misconstrued into something half way interesting.

"I'm glad it's Smirk because I don't like it long." - Queen Wet One.

"I just need to learn how to do it." - Queen Oral Fixation

"Fluffy didn't want it." - some disappointed male hasher.

ON - ON

Queen Bobbin Robin


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