Run #850 - The Horse's Ass Run

March 27, 1999

Hares: Hardly, Twisted Sister, Pole Vault, Hot Dog, Lakey , P'tooie and Shadow (woof!)
Location: Under the horse's ass at Cochrane Ranche

As the Hash crowd started to gather in the parking lot beneath the HORSE'S ASS in Cochrane , it became apparent to this writer that the scribing duties were not to be taken lightly. Canadian Beaver (a.k.a. Queen Beaver, as recently renamed by the illustrious Bottlescrew Bill's contingent of the Calgary Hash) was concerned that the commitment to undertake the scribing had not been forgotten, and then repeatedly tried to reassure the writer that even an idiot like herself could handle the responsibility and no one cared how long or well done the result. This scribe therefore duly promised to record everything that happened.

The warm spring weather we had all come to expect had vanished and we were faced with a frigid northerly wind...or wait that could've been the Edmonton visitors - Baglady Iv, Pump it Up , and Madame Flash. To counter act this chill, we had Hairless Beaver visiting from La Whorreur LH3 (Kawky's home town?) in Pakistan. New boots included Sonja and Terry

Also visiting were Hoover and Open to the Floor...Right Bun thought that they used to Hash in Malaysia and were just checking us out....

After loitering around awhile the cold air took its toll and the bathroom crew of Left Bun, Hand Solo and Knobby went off in search of a likely bush to pee on. Meanwhile the ink in your scribe's pen froze and Neon had to come to the rescue with a new tool.

Hopeful that the run would start soon, the Hash trudged up the hill to wallow beneath the Horse's Ass. However, as the hour was already 2:20 and still no hares, Dreary bravely led the hashers in a energetic version of Father Abraham. Sucker had a hard time getting his limbs to cooperate and was seen thrashing about wildly, striking out at all who were near.

Just as the last notes of the song died the Hares finally made an appearance: Hardly, Twisted Sister, Pole Vault, Hot Dog, Lakey , Ptooie and  and the leader, Shadow. The Hares announced that we would not see any hills, or dead people or barbed wire on this run...oh, oh!
A quick circle and the Hash was off.......

It started typically...the sheep all followed the FROPs up a long check back, laughing gleefully at Sucker and Private Stick who had "given up the high ground " as Perfessor proclaimed and could be seen dashing off in a totally different direction.  As we all realized the error we were no longer laughing as we struggled to catch up

This novice scribe soon learned that you can not run and write at the same time and that if you stopped to write, you quickly lost the rest of the hash...

Up Hills, down Hills, past dead Hashers in a cemetery, up more hills, across barbed wire, under barb wire, down steep hills, up hills, past the 8th hare,  (may he RIP), and under more barb wire. so what happened next on the run comes from memory and the reports of other always truthful Hashers who were eager to help:

  • Apparently Wett Butt got Neon off at a Buffalo Jump
  • Butthead was butt surfing down the big hill, but then so was Left Bun or was that on her right bun or both buns...
  • The dead hare was suspected to be LJ who everyone knew was approaching an elderly age ......
  • Pole Vault cheated by doing beer assisted hashing
  • Bag Lady IV and Pump-it-Up were romantically inclined or reclined on the trail. Perhaps this is why she complained that Dastardly was doing it faster while he was pushing a stroller.
  • Mydol swore this had been the best run ever, especially as he had seen SHADOW going squirrely and dragging Lakey into the bushes. Mydol, being ever observant, noted that Shadow was a well know licker (first hand knowledge?) and so it was understandable that Lakey would emerge with a satisfied grin.
  • Hardly, being the fine hare that he is  ... and a great leader of hashers, short cutted and reappeared with his pants ripped - Twisted Sister was caught grinning wickedly
  • ButtHead was seen horsewhipping Hot Dog but she wouldn't go all the way.
  • Perfessor was heard to say that he was very happy to see the "horse's ass"

Back in the parking lot, some were busy trying an old trick : how many Hashers can you stuff into the cab of a GMC Sierra?

The RAs decided to try out the Edmonton practice of having the down downs right on the spot instead of at the On-In. They wanted this to be really authentic so they ensured that the weather was as cold as a witches tit (or ________ fill in the blank with your favourite HASH breast). Hash trash consisting of lovely engraved plastic mugs and Horse's Penis Song Sheet / Bandanas were passed out and the beer flowed, though a hot toddy would have been appreciated.

Getting downed were:

  • the hares for setting such a fine run
  • Mum for finally getting in 50 runs after 16 years
  • Shadow was named Crazy Horse for being so turned on by the equine on the hill.
  • The visitors from the frozen wasteland to the North, and from LH3 and  elsewhere, and the 2 new boots.
The Hash Shit went to HOT FLASHES for being so incredibly Hash smart as to stop at the local MACs store in Cochrane and ask if anyone knew where she could find a Horse's Ass ????

We all soon retreated to the local watering hole, the Texas Eatery where some hashers embraced the real Cowboy code and dressed the part....

  • Butt Head -  was that a gun or were you just happy to see us?
  • Bum Titty shyly confessed to the writer that he liked sheep and wears rubber boots for this purpose.
  • Bobbin Robbin confessed that he wears a cod piece for protection against Madame Flash.
  • 007 does not wear one for the same reason.

More Down Downs -

  • Wett Butt and Stranger - Wett Butt because no on ever knows what colour her hair will be next, and cause she doesn't know what a check back means, and Stranger for having new shoes...why didn't he have to drink from them
  • Pussy Killer as he is leaving without permission to Peru.
  • Private Stick and Poke-me as archives????

The wise RAs decided that they should give away the cowboy boot mugs that the bar had donated to the hashers that could perform the best stupid tricks. Not an easy task to judge.

The winners were:

  • Nudity - Moonshine for showing the tattoo on her ass
  • Walking with a glass of beer on his head - Mydol
  • Dumbest original songs - Lost in Space and Ptooie
  • Living closest to the On-In-  I like Beige
  • Best Groveller- Knobby
  • Scribe - Party Pumper
  • Dirty asses - Sucker and ButtHead (Sucker campaigned long and hard for this least that is what he was telling BeaverFlats)

At this point, just when you'd think that it couldn't get any more interesting, one of the visitors, Hairless Beaver, provided us with 3 lovely souvenir Hash T shirts from LH3...In a stroke of genius, an impromptu auction was held to aid the cause of Camp Horizon. Mum kindly proceeded to strip and model these shirts for the appreciative crowd. Dreary tried to egg on the bidders with the tantalizing prospect of male hashers having the opportunity to personally remove the shirt from Mum and thereby gain some small measure of revenge for past gropings received at her hands. Bidding was lively but Mum managed to retain her reputation..

The formalities were concluded with an inspirational version of the Hash Hymn and then it was back on the piss.

Since we had been imbibing for some time at exceptionally cheap prices, the Hash now embarked on more stimulating discussion and sterling activities, some snippets of which I will share:

  • Blue Balls breathlessly admitted he was coming............
  • Beaver Flats didn't finish eating it.
  • Madame Flash had been blowing up rubbers for practice and pussy farts were coming out!
  • "Queen Beaver is the boss" and he likes it that way.
  • 007 was taught at very young age to seduce the gap! (look out King Shit) and now he is coming too!
  • Hardly was on a campaign to raise the hash cash to $5.
  • Hot Flashes did not know if they had changed the sheets but no fresh tracks were observed by 007.
  • Knobby was caught red handed stealing several boots and eventually confessed to a toe fetish.

Your faithful and eager scribe felt this was an appropriate moment to leave the scene as the festivities were shortly to be renewed at Lumber Jack's 50th Birthday Wake.

SO here ends my first scribing attempt and you can rest assured that it is all the Hash's own truth because - Blue Balls will swear to anything I write.


Party Pumper

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