I arrived at the parking lot just north of Bowness park at the extremely early hour of 7:00 (real time), drooling and slavering with anticipation at the run ahead. Three things were foremost in my mind (ok, three things were foremost behind the things that are always in my mind) :
We were in semi-wilderness, with close proximity to water.
It was raining.
Pyro ALWAYS sets an interesting run, and he and Boner
were the hares.
Tonight was going to be a good night.
I surveyed the group of rain-jacketed sissies gathered around their umbrellas. What a sad looking lot. Who did they think they were ? They did not deserve this excellent rain ! (of course, I was still warm and dry, sitting in the cab of my truck). But the truck was parked in a pool of mud and water, so I felt superior anyway......
Smirk dragged me kicking and screaming from the truck, and dropped me on the edge of the circle, which started to form once the bedraggled form of KingShit became known to us. He came premoistened, having run to the run from home.
Cheating Bastard ! He even had the nerve to relate to me tails of mud, and muck, and almost falling in the river !
Amid the splashing, grunting, and wallowing that makes up a normal circle,
I overheard something about dots, holes, and crosses. Amused was I at the
antics of the crowd. Pole Vault & Knobby seemed to be
fair game for any and all who felt like directional puddle jumping.
I also heard something about ...... the Perfesser's STAMPEDE
HASH !!! AAAQAGGHHHSAEHDHSD. The place of my birth ! !@#$!@#$%^@!%^?$ (I
gleefully await the swamps and mires of steamy legend. The char-encrusted
swine who shall serve to sate our hunger. The sweet amber nectar which
shall quench our primal thirst !!!)
oooooh, he does go on so.....
Pyro sent us out ! Being the smart man that he is, the start was where he placed the narrow metal gate. Me, I'd put it after the beer check, and help Darwin with his theories, but Pyro keeps his sadistical side to hisself......
Off we went, screaming and yelling, looking for mud, and muck, in the rain..... off, and off, and off (approximately 800 metres off the trail.....until we hit the checkback that is). hhhmmmmm. Lakey went up (no no no, Ptooie, teach her the other direction). A bunch of lost souls went down, and across a little stream. back we went, back and back and back....... and found the trail. West we went, through nice gardens, along muddy roads, and through deep grasses.
Linux was there, as was Golden Showers. Trapesing through the grasses was a rather daintily dressed Cocktail. Bobbin brought (and carried!) the Hash Shit.
At one point, I thought I had found heaven, but the Bobcat was without
keys.
Then we took a turn south. I looked into the distance, and there were
some hashers. Why were they there. Why had they run past the checkback
I was standing on ? Oh well.
North we went, Lo ! Behold ! Guarranteed wetness! The trail went through
a set of culverts, which had - say it isn't so ! - WATER running through
them !
Up we went, up and around, and up some more, at which point we kind
of lost the trail. Until some bright soul (Wet-One, to be exact)
pointed out that there was a small stream in the other direction. What
were we thinking ? We were standing on dry ground ! Aha! Thought Nipple
Detector (his lips move when he thinks). Across the water, and up,
and up, and up.
OUCH ! (i went) Damn !@#$^@#$&$%^
!@#!#$%$%&&^*$#^%&^&**&(&^&%^?
$##%&%^*(*&(%$^@#$%#!#$
bad place for a gopher hole........
Apparently, just before I thrashed my ankle, Kingshit avoided destroying
his by doing some amazing gymnastics. (much to the delight of those around
him) Once again, wherethefuhkawee!!!!!! We had found a check, but little
else.
Mydol looked confused.
Boy, when Pyro does nonabudabi, he really does it. Or maybe he
is going senile, and just forgot where he was, so put a check there.
Anyway, once the trail was found, it was good.
Awesome. Stupendous.
It crossed, and recrossed, and triplecrossed a slimy, smelly, stinky
and lovable little stream. There was mud, and muck, AND CLIFFS!! Ooohhh,
the potential for self-injury ! Some whiner behind me was complaining about
it being slippery and slimy, but I responded (true to fashion) that if
that wasn't desirable, they should be first in !!
I got lost. But that was ok, cause the pack was only a few feet away.....
Back on to pavement (too bad), and up to - lo and behold - a BEER CHECK
!!!!
YAHOOOO, WHOOPEEEEE !!!!
Here I observed some strange things. (like the bizaar swelling that the local plant life had caused on my legs) Pole Vault, who's leg fur is normally nicely braided, had become a seed transport for some plants. After a bit of work he managed to get out most of the burrs, but I suspect we shall see some greenery in and around his ankles soon. Our esteemed RA rather shocked me (and others). How did that long, black, wet, glistening, rubber thing, get to be hanging out the back of his shorts ?
The rest of the run was a blur, as I followed Wet-One and Blue-Balls on a SHORTcut (yah, right) to the cars, but once there, became again focused on reaching Suds & Spuds.
At the On-In, some things were noticed/mentioned :
- Wet-one didn't ask for help changing
- Smirk was bent over with his postereior directed at the washroom
entrance
- Hard-Ass was cruisin around, looking for eaters.....
- It was hailing (in the bar)!
- Kawky & Furry thing were bashing without hashing (but
never got punished)
- Bobbin told someone "it looks soft, but is harder than it
looks"
- Tiny Bubbles was seen talking to strangers in traffic. Didn't
he listen to his mother ?
Religious Stuff
Skewbic Hare selected his choir, and they sang.
Head ! (some idiot said) etc, etc, etc. I don't know why they encourage
us.....
Bring on the hares !! Pyro and Boner ! Reward them for
the shiggy, for the muck, for the excellent run ! And how on earth did
Pyro get the flour onto that rock under the flowing water ?
Bring on Boner ! Why was there a checkback where there should
be a check ?
(sexual confusion, he confessed ! HURRAH! cried the crowd!!!)
Bring on Lapdog, Tastybits and Biteme! (they always get wet
when he is near!)
Bring on Robert the Virgin !! Who made him cum ?? BenWaaaaa
!!!
Bring on WhiteBalls the Mudstealer !! and Clutchbag to
inspect him.
BANGBANG
Bring on (for excellence in spashing, 3 point style) Fuhkawee
(me, ohh you shouldn't have). Publicly Pissed On !
Bring on OnIn !! 600 runs he has done !!
For this, he was given a cooooooool jacket.
Bring on Dirty-Dancer !! He has done 50.
Bring on Ginger Spice and Wet-One, who said : "don't stop, don't stop"
Bring on Dreary !! We are not worthy. Big group hug. He has run
700 times !!
For this, he was awarded a fleece. Baaaaaaad boy.
Bring on Lakey & Ptooie !! They got married. give them some cool stuff !!! They deserve it.
Last, but not least, for asking the RA, "what do you have to do to get the hash shit ?" I, your faithful scribe, was awarded the hash shit. I guess that answers my question.
Dreary ended the evening by leading us in 'Swing Low'.
All in all, a 'deadly awesome' run.......
ONON
Fuhkawee