7:00 pm (about) Monday April 6 1998 and I find myself at Mustache Pete's, 5 miles north of the half built houses I used to party in when I was 17. I won't tell you how long ago that was. Entering the establishment I am accosted (this would normally be a good thing if it was female but I quickly determined this was not the case) by Pole Vault (Doh!). Pole Vault gave me the handshake of haredom (my spell checker thinks I am trying to spell whoredom) committing me (not that I don't deserve to be committed) to hare a run in the near future (be forewarned. OK this time I will put down more than 4 marks and I will not have Not To Deep run the pack through a checkback she set ). General greetings and salutations occur as the crowd reacquaints itself with those it has not seen in a week or two. Great thing about dinking (this was a legitimate typo, I meant to say drinking) and aging, you lose your memory. It is like visiting a new group of people every week. The pickup line of "don't I know you from somewhere" works wonders as both parties try to recall where they met before (did I know you in a previous life or were you out last week?)
We sauntered outside and played in the puddles making a circle not exactly meeting geometrical standards. Pole Vault leapt to the spotlight (god he hates that) and mumbled a bunch of things. I unwillingly woke up when Dreary had a loud announcement about needing a volunteer to scribe for tonight. I remember this point well as the next thing I heard was someone yelling "White Balls" (Ohh Fuck). Was that you Hardly? The flock hearing this, and realizing it was not their name (some more slowly than others) voiced their approval. I haven't heard that much cheering for me since I put my bathing suit back on at Orlando Interhash (or was that Dreary?). New Boot (virgin?) Cori was introduced and we reciprocated, and after another announcement and words from the hares, we were off (Yes.. yes.. we are) I have no notes so I will describe the run as I copied from an old Edmonton Hash Sheet (No..I mean, as I remember it)
Herd leaders quickly (Not!) found flour (no markings whatsoever) and galloped down (around) toward the river (the unknown). A group of rowers (Calgary drivers), surprised out of their peaceful afternoon float (lane controlling evening scamp) would have given Silken (Jacques V) a run for her (his) money as they frantically sought to escape our presence. At this point, the pack began to splinter like a spruce tree hit by lightning (who wrote this shit? You want an analogy I will give you an analogy. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't (Russell Beland, Springfield). (Whooa.. where did we go there?))
OK we're back. Continuing.... Wet Crotch (We fortunately do not have an equivalent to Wet Crotch). looking rather like the troll from the Three Billy Goats Gruff, finally emerged from the underbrush. His bleeding limbs and poked out eye (see what I mean) should serve as a grim reminder to all potential short cutters that shorter is not always better (Huh! Talk about typical Edmonton thinking. Hey wench! In Calgary I have been told longer is aaaaallllways better) (No Knobby... get it through your head, we are not talking about run length).
Night Tripper (007) was looking completely sensual in her (his?) skin tight outfit as each gyration her 5' 11' hard body made was obvious to the pack (oops... OK this isn't working)
OK.. what I do remember about the run is that it became clear it was a unmarked live hare run. With one live hare marking near the front (aren't the live hares supposed to be well ahead of the pack?) and another sweeping and marking (not necessarily remarking) the trail (not aware what the other hare was doing) (who was??). The strategy of the hares apparently became to try to distract the hash by taking them through as many playgrounds as possible. Sure hashers like to play but the ratio of playgrounds to checks was a disturbing 5:1. Step 1 of paedophile training school , go to lots of playgrounds. I never mentioned at the beginning, that the trail was intended to be done abudabi style meaning you don't have to go back to the check (good thing as there was only one). The new marking of 3 lines indicating a abudabi check back, was very difficult for those of us who purposely turn our brains off when we come to hash (otherwise it hurts too much) (I always forget to turn it back on) ( like you couldn't tell by reading this).
The run was wet, as puddles (which usually last in Calgary as long as an erection in an old folks home) were in the parking lot, on the tennis courts, in the playgrounds, and in the harrierettes shorts. Wet Butt was wet, was Wet One wet?, Wet Nurse and Wet Dreams were not there but they could have been wet. Whale Wanker (No, let's not go there). Wet Butt was wet because (hold it let me find my notes) was whining about hash men cumming too fast, first she got nervous, then she got wet. Nipple Detector was stiff (whoops did I put that here, completely unrelated, whoa... close call). My notes say something about getting off, must be playground equipment I guess. Apparently Nipple Detector did something 4 times, once by himself. (just once!!!) (Hell, a .750 batting average is amazing. If I could...... forget it)
Finally after major whining, grumbling, and mortal threats to the hares we made it back to Mustache Pete's. Stories of today's and other days antics were overheard and exaggerated ( Dreary , that's not the way I remember that episode at Orlando Interhash. Hey!!, the Calgary Hash doesn't need to know that). King Shit and TQ banged in the playground, head on what? Does this explain the skid marks on his tights? It was on his butt, so that would mean she would have to be.... whoa, yup, yup, yup, yup.
Down downs went to: King Shit, for doing his best to encourage bestiality on the playground. (No!.... with the horse.... Geeeeeeez)
The sexual offence that included Wet Butt and Nipple Detector was rewarded for a double decker down down. Wet Butt, still not clear on the concept of alcohol abuse proceeded to pour some of her beer on Nipple's head before the singing proceeded. Had she not being sitting on his neck he surely would have tilted his head up to catch the nectar (his story, not mine).
The next offence was to a couple of bottom feeders who wear the hash garb of the city of losers. Ben Wa and (oh Fuck ,that's me). Free beer (yeah).
Next down down , is to a fellow losing his mind and everything his mind can encounter. Pole Vault lost his mug (it is always something) and was downed to a chorus of bum titty bum titty bum titty titty bum titty bum (something like that).
The manager of Mustache Pete's who's name is in fact not Pete but Bert (no make that "Tickle me Ernie") was downed. He graciously (not a common word in hash folklore) donated 3 big rock shirts to be raffled off. The name of the first recipient was yelled out "White Balls". (oh Fuck, what did I do now?). I won something (Wahoo!). Dirty Dancer and P'tooey won the other shirts (no down down's for winning shirts.. Shit!)
Skewbic Hare teased the pack, and could see us drooling every time he showed us the double dose of hash shit's. 2 hash shits, and he was teasing us by pulling them out, putting them away, pulling them out, putting them away. pulling them out, putting them away (don't you hate dates like that?, Huh?... Where are we? Sorry, drifted off for a moment) We wanted to see the hash shits embraced by new owners. And we know who they should be (2 hash shits, 2 hares, coincidence... Hmmm...) But it was not to be, the hares would not receive the hash shits for setting a ^&%$*#^$# run, but Knobby received the Hash shit for a remarkable collection of stale chalk. Rumours say it wasn't that old. It was just the fact it had faded since Thursday ( which week?). Coincidentally (you believe that?) "Jake the slippery snake arm pit snake slippery the jake" also received a hash shit because.... It was his birthday.
Whoops my notes are in the wrong order. You expect a hash sheet to be chronological ( that means in order of time). Cori the new boot gets downed for being a virgin (or is that new boot?) (If a new boot is a virgin what is a hasher with new shoes? If it's a Camp Horizon run the answer is..... Stupid!). Again I digress. Anyway Cori downed the deed quickly, without incident (Yes.... she will fit in nicely).
Golden Showers brought out his dogs to the hash and walked at the back. Apparently Rambo loves the new puppy (He's looking forward to a good snack once it's full grown).
As Dreary takes up his place in the hash choir, he takes some notes using SQ's lap as a writing surface. Dreary has learned being a long time hasher that, "when I doubt, improvise using someone else's body parts"
Cocky (Kocky, Khauwky, Caulky, Kiahkee) Horror (Hoarer, HowAreHer) was rewarded for achieving that amazing run total of not 300, not 200, but 169 runs. It is amazing how at the hash rewards and punishment are the same thing (everything comes down to perspective... and timing... and strategy.... and power.... and CONTROL, YES CONTROL YES YES YES... whoops... sorry) C.H. was downed preceded by the woodpeckers song. Sitting directly across the crowd I noticed a harrierette who was immensely enjoying the woodpecker song for apparently the first time. I think the woodpecker song was the highlight of Wet Butt's evening (sorry Nipple D.).
Around the time of the first down down, SQ, always the tidy one, saw that her students ( I mean the the hashers) were not on the carpet (If a drop of beer was to spill). She took charge, scooted those off the carpet away, moved the carpet as only a Super hero could do and flattened it out by performing a fireman's roll ( Is it called a fireman's roll when your clothes are on fire, or when you are rolling with a fireman? Well she did one of them with a smile on her face, so I think... well you know)
The hares were down downed, Nuf said.
My notes say Double Entry got the hash shit. Did he then loose it to a hare? (I am so confused) The interesting thing about Double Entry's Down Down is his ventriloquist impersonation. Right after he downed it he looked satisfyingly (Is that a word?) at the mob and Pole Vault belched. Truly a professional ventriloquist.
Pussy Killer was downed, another tease with a hash shit. But It was not meant to be. P.K. did seem to have trouble with it as he is used to downing from the large rubber cup.
I haven't mentioned the Boob cake yet. Slippery's birthday cake was a boob cake. I want to know who modeled for the cake and if they could come over to my house. 9 or 12 attempts I should be able to bake an edible cake. Slippery chomped off one of the nipples before any of us could hardly see the thing. Slowly slippery, not so fast, work your way to it.
Another remark was that MoonShine was unhappy with a swelling , I guess she's not from Edmonton.
Last remark. Good Hot wings.
We'll be back "Tickle me Ernie".
ON-ON !
White Balls
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