Run #750 - The Master's Run

Paddy's Flat
August 9, 1997


Spike & Stupid Question got Wet and Dirty

It was a dark and stormy night. But the next day was sunny and clear and we had a run to do. Somewhere a cow mooed and a bee buzzed. A hawk circled curiously overhead as approximately 52 hashers gathered for the 750th running of The Calgary Hash House Harriers, the Master's Run. In the foothills of the majestic Canadian Rockies, this motley crew of misanthropes, misunderstood maladroits, and malcontents waited impatiently for Lap Dog, the current Hash Boss, to get through his spiel on the historical significance of this run. Finally, an old man cried out in anguish, "I was just a boy when he started talking!"

Eventually the visitors were introduced. Landak Marah (Spike), Pudday Monkey and Kontol Kuda from the Phillipines and Indonesia via Sparwood B.C., Wet Crotch and Mr. Peeenut from Admonton, Hash Harlot, Little Dipper and Dr. Mikey from Los Angeles, S&M&M&M Man from Cleveland, and new boots Julie and Brian from Great Falls, Montana.

A wayward soccer ball aimed at Lap Dog found its mark. Unfortunately, Lap Dog, not being a first or even second string soccer player, attempted to kick the ball back to its origin but connected poor little Super Soaker instead. SS expertly used his little riding chariot to deflect the ball back to its intended direction. During the announcements, all the visitors invited the hash to attend their upcumming runs, however, return air fare was regretably not included.

Finally the Hares, Lap Dog; Mydol and Lakey (former Hash bosses) were introduced and Lakey did a quick flash for the observant and admiring amongst us. Lap Dog then prattled on about thanking the 750th Organizing Committee..the aforementioned hares,Dreary, On-In, ACD,Knobby, Pyro, Kawky Horror,Tiny Bubbles and the now One Eyed 'tooie (formerly P'tooie until he contacted an errant frisbee). All the women were encouraged to exercise their recently won Ontario Supreme Court rights to go topless and ..yadda...yadda....yadda....

And then we were off. Days (well, it seemed like that at the time) of slogging through dense underbrush, fording wet and wild rain swollen rivers, the long silences broken only by the occasional cry of "are you?" and the usually heard responses of "relieving myself?..yes, now don't bother me. Go run off with those bunch of yahoos who just bashed through here 5 minutes ago yelling , Beer near!". And then it appeared, like a wonderful mirage...a glittering oasis in the middle of the river..a beer regroup!

A group of rafters soon appeared on the river and seemed a little surprised by the sight of a gaggle of 50 tired and dirty individuals standing on a little dry spot in the middle of a raging river out in the middle of nowhere. Do you know if the bus has come by yet? we enquired as they floated past.

It was at that precise moment that the first of many sexual offenses occurred. Poor 'ol Hardly was sitting half submerged in the frigid torrent when he was suddenly mounted by Thong Queue who was looking for a dry spot in a very wet river.

Then it was up, down, check, checkback, campground road and finally on-in. The caterers for the evening meal, having sensed the ravenous appetites of the returning horde were in the midst of setting up their huge bar-b-que when the frops arrived.


A Down-Down contest followed the Down-Downs
Kaptan von Krapp, Wet Crotch, Hardley, Dreary & Skewbic Hare

But it was health food first...brown nectar and munchies. Then RA's Lakey and Knobby grabbed centre stage and started the down-downs.

  1. the hares...Lap Dog, Lakey, and Mydol for an excellent run.

  2. the heretofore aforementioned visitors referred to earlier on page 1, paragraph 2, clause 3

  3. King Shit, current holder of the hash shit, is relieved of his burden. Wet Crotch is called upon to present the hash symbol to whomelse....Skewbic Hare for doing unhashly things and losing his name tag in the process. I swear, if his dick wasn't attached he'd lose....

  4. S.Q. received her pewter 100 run mug having achieved serious no-life status.

  5. Sister Maria for having a very conveniently timed birthday.

  6. Kawky Horror (a.k.a. have cheque, will travel) was summoned by Knobby. How did the wily RA know the jointmaster would pick door #2 and wound up receiving a hash bill to pay rather than a down?

  7. Thong Queue received her 1/2 yard plus a tote bag for achieving 150 runs.

  8. Virgin new boot Julie was named Sex Beggar and new boot Brian was named Border Collie. You can also refer to the happy couple by their native Canadian name..."Looking to make Pups".

  9. Dr. Mikey from LA was iced (sitting on a bag of, with shorts down) for shitting (with an "h") on the trail. Lap Dog said if he didn't like the trail he could have just said so.

  10. Pole Vault was called upon to demonstrate the proper method of wearing one of the army issue condoms all hashers received. P.V. was, unfortunately, too big and hard and in his excitement, ripped the supposedly goof-proof device.

  11. Moonshine, received a lovely jacket to commemorate her 200th run and also quaffed the 1/2 yard.

  12. Hopless, whose 100 run mug is spelled "Hopeless", and Von Krapp were both dressed identically in shorts, sunglasses, tilly hats all in matching colours. It was left up to Choc-o-lick to do a closer physical examination and put name tags on the 2 so they could be distinguished.

  13. Mydol also received his 200th run jacket. In what seems to have become a recent tradition, while he was doing an admirable job of downing the 1/2 yard, Lakey yanked down his shorts to reveal red flagging tape on his pecker. This explained why, later in the evening, when Mydol's van was bouncing around, No Hare could be heard yelling "On-on" from inside.

  14. Bag Lady received the trophy for ...400 runs! Previous 400 run awardees, Dreary, On- In and Pyro paid tribute to her while at the same time beating off sticky fingered visitors from LA and Admonton who vainly tried to snatch her prize while she was dow ning her 1/2 yard.

  15. Pyro was given his bronzed running shoe which had been bronzed after he reached his 400th run. Lakey scooped Bag Lady's left runner with a similar plan in mind.

  16. Pussy Killer, who in addition to Skewbic, has had the hash shit 3 times, was given the hash shit to break the tie, ostensibly for interfering with the local insect population...namely wasps. Skewbie seemed quite pleased to hand it over to P.K.

  17. Pudday Monkey, received a down for managing to keep his sac dry throughout the run.

  18. and finally, Dreary did the 1/2 yard, in one big gulp, for his 650th run!!! Dreary has averaged almost 47 runs per year for the last 14 years! That doesn't include full moons or international hashes he has attended. He probably could have bought a Ferrari with what he has spent on hash cash and beer loot. Which just goes to prove....something...but I'm not sure exactly what.

So as the down downs wrapped up, the grand old man of the hash (see#18 above) led us in another rousing rendition of the hash hymn.

You would think we'd be pretty hungry by now. Well you'd be right but, King Shit and the One Eyed 'tooie had the Hash Olympics ready to go. ACD, quit chewing on my pen!

  1. Eating cherries hidden in a whipped cream pie plate and spitting the pits into a container without using your hands.


    They're off!

    A well fought, but, very messy contest resulting in a split decision between Skewbic and visitor, Spike. I should point out that, even though done in fun, those innocent young cherries were needlessly traumatized by this event. One of the hallmarks of a decadent and decaying society is certainly the wanton and lustful tramautization and abuse of innocent and defenseless fruit. If you care, write to...Help save the strawberries!.....and now back to our story.


    The S&M&M&M Man loves cherries!


    Spike the Champ
    'tho Skebic Hare might disagree

  2. Blindfolded male attempts to feed a banana to a female standing in front of him with her back to his chest.

    No contest here as Knobby could barely hang on as Shack Shocked sucked back that banana so fast Knobby almost lost his shorts in the frenzy.


    Shack Shock sucks (middle) while Thong Que nibbles (left), Spike crams (right) and Knobslinger hangs on!

  3. The loaded condom toss.

    Another messy contest that wound up being decided by a toss off between the team of No Hare- White Balls and Sister Maria-Sex Beggar. Although the No Hare-White Balls team emerged victorious, White Balls did confide that filling the condoms was much more fun than tossing them.


    No Hare & White Balls display their winning equipment to Mr. Peeenut

  4. The Izzy-Dizzy, don't you ralph on my shoe! contest


    Border Collie's at bat while Lapdog & Thong Que redefine vertical for Kawky Whorer, King Shit & Mydol

    Each participant downed a beer, ran 35 yards and did 10 circles, bent over, with their forehead stuck to a vertically held bat in front of them, and then ran (or tried in any event) back to the start. The relay team of Dreary, $16/night U.S.,Margarita, and Lap Dog won the closely contested race. On-in and Von Krapp attempted to roll back to the start to compensate for them taking 8 steps sideways for every step forward on the return leg.

  5. How quickly can you quaff?

    In a very hotly contested match, it came down to a drink-off between Dreary and Hardly to determine the winner. In the end, it was experience over beauty, as the seasoned veteran, Dreary, edged out Hardly for the win.

OK, so it's like time for dinner right? Not much talking was heard as the famished crew concentrated on inhaling the all you can eat bar-b-que beef dinner with all the fixins.


Mmmmmm.... all ewe can eat!

Stuffed, and tired from the days activities, the hash then relaxed by the fire pit to plan the evening's drinking and debachery schedule.

First off the mark was that smooth talking and slippery Skewbic. Would the absence of a nearby hotel room or available tent thwart this determined hasher's plans? Never! Though a bit smaller and not quite as comfortable and certainly a little hard on the rear shocks, resourceful Skewbie reports that the trunk of SQ's car would fit the bill.


Hashers listen as things go Boink in the night

Hare of the Dog approached Dreary to see if there was any dessert available. The wily old veteran lifted his toga and suggested she help herself. H of the D demurred, however, stating that she was beginning to understand why some women become vegetarians.

At precisely 9:50 pm an unattributed muffled scream was heard from the woods "Oh, don't stop! Oh, Oh, Oh, you big hunk of hash stud you!!" Evidence would later come out that Thong Queue, Shack Shocked, Lost It and S.Q. would all have difficulty accounting for their whereabouts at that precise time. However, the investigation was hampered by the fact that virtually every male hasher, except for your virtuous scribe, of course, attempted to implicate themselves in the hash stud role.

See who else came!

Other minor clutching and grabbing penalties were assessed, but, they only resulted in a replay of the action at the time the offense occurred. So I guess you can figure out what happened...well, of course! While clutching and grabbing does delay progress of the game somewhat, it ultimately does not stop the winning team from scoring.

On on,
je reste, votre scribe plus faithful,
Monsieur le Kawquille Horreure


Mydol & his Banana

Pub Crawl #750 Hangover Who Came?


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