Run #1436 - Geriatric and Cantankerous

January 5, 2009

Hares: Skewbic Hair and Whale Wanker
Where: The Shamrock Hotel
Big Rock: Trad and AGD
Attendance:

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Geriatric and cantankerous co-hares Skewbic Hair and Whale Wanker wanted to set a trail befitting their status — at least in their own warped, twisted, senile minds — of having completed 1,100 hashes. So they:

• Ordered up a gorgeous Chinook-fueled evening from the Weather Gods. It was around -2C, which beats the -236C temps and worse wind chills that Calgary had recently experienced. Check.
   
• Didn't want anything to take away from their monumental trail-laying efforts, so they made the route long enough for hashers to miss the third period of Canada's 5-1 thrashing of the Swedish Meatballs to win the world junior hockey title for the fifth straight time. Check.
   
• Wanted to whet hashers' appetites for food and beer, so they made sure the circle was next to the Chicken Killers Inc. plant next door to the Shamrock Saddledome Motor Inn and Beer Garden and Haberdashery, where the smell of dead chickens filled the night air. Check.

With preliminaries out of the way, hashers set off on an often-snowy trail — thanks to the city's total inability or refusal to actually plow a side street — through Inglewood and Ramsey, along the icy Bow River, past the Saddledome, and on and on.

The trail had a bit of everything — dirty needles, hookers (where?), homeless (more or less), a panoramic view of downtown from atop Scotman's Hill overlooking Stampede grounds, and on and on again.

The trail was Abby Dabby, named in honour of Abby Naked, er, Abby Neck It. Oh, never mind.

Incredibly, no one was shot, stabbed, beaten, folded, spindled or mutilated — except for countless chickens — by the time hashers returned to the Shamrock, just in time to see the post-game show on Canada's thrilling victory.

Afterward, RA Bobbin' the Throbbin' One handed out down-downs and Hash Thingies like they were going out of style, as well as missing a few. For instance:

• Sticky Lips ended up with not one, but two, Hash Thingies for various infractions, including "losing" the one she was supposed to have taken with her on a recent trip to New Zealand.

  Turns out she misplaced it next to her West Hillhurst hot tub, where it was stolen by Super Snitch Beer Slayer, who often begs to use the hot tub. Beer Slayer then turned it over to Bobbin', and that was that — Ms. Lips gets to run with two Hash Thingies and hash dog Oreo on her next run.

  On the bright side, Sticky's personal record is still three Hash Thingies.

  

• Sucks Everything ended up with one for some reason, probably just for the Art of Being Sucks.
   
• Flap Jack got a down-down for missing her second consecutive run for being way late. Actually, she claims she got lost trying to find the bar — ever hear of Google maps or Mapquest? — then tried to blame her dog and a massive wreck on Deerfoot Speedway. Drink it down-down-down.
   
• Another traveler into the Land of Stupid was, of all people, Erudite, who missed her Marion the Librarian work the day after New Year's because she thought it was a holiday and forgot to go.

  It didn't dawn on her that she needed to be working till late in the day when she saw some work emails. Oops. Miraculously, she avoided a down-down because Bobbin' was apparently too busy handing out and swapping out Hash Thingies to notice.
   

• Duke of Hurl drank for wearing a stylish orange-and-yellow reflective hoodie stolen from the prison in Bowden. Duke swore he'd never done time there, but you never know. Immigration just may have missed that little fact.

  

• Quickie Quiz: Which Calgary hasher is a Birthday Buddy of US President-elect Barack Obama. Both were born Aug. 4, 1961. Was it:
   
  1. Skewbic — Nah, no way he could be that young.
      
  2. Sticky Lips — Maybe that surgery makes her look younger than she really is.
      
  3. Shack Shock — She'll never tell.
      
  4. Snevil — Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. Snevil and Obama, who knew?

On-On!

Duke of Hurl

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