Run #1407 - The Out-of-Towner

July 21, 2008

Hares: Dastardly
Where: Dastardly's Domain, 7 Sleigh Drive, Redwood Meadows
Big Rock: Do the can-can!
Attendance: 44

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What better way to spend a sun-kissed warm summer evening than navigating the churning waters of the Elbow River in Redwood Meadows, followed by beer, burgers, smokies, corn on the cob and more beer at the Dastardly Dome?

Oh, sure, it wasn't perfect, and there were challenges. Such as:

• Hashers vs. the river — The Elbow can be an unforgiving sort, and multiple hashers found that out as they tried to cross the sometimes-raging waters. Clueless wanted to float down, but her butt kept hitting rocks on the bottom. Duke of Hurl didn't want to float down, but did anyway when he sorta lost his balance. The only way Brokeback Mount Me, aka Little Red Riding Hood of Death, saved herself was with what she claimed were all-natural flotation devices. Hey, whatever works.
   
• Hashers vs. the bush — A Dastardly trail wouldn't be complete without ample bushwhacking, rocks, tree roots and checks. Ah, checks. Dastardly set an unofficial record of 435 checks in one hash, obliterating his previous record of 242 set in 1998. The non-Dastardly high is 14.
   
• Mosquitos vs. hashers — This one was no contest, the buzzing little creatures winning hands down. They consider Off and anything else with Deet as a pre-dinner cocktail, sluuuuuuuuurp, yum, that tasted good, then they go to the main course, the humans. Of course, the 17 water crossings managed to wash off the Off, which made it the ultimate buffet for the irritating Super Pests.

  Hashers had two choices afterward, either slather up again or wear long sleeves and pants. Oh, or get eaten again.

Fortunately, no one drowned nor had all their blood sucked dry, so everyone was able to return to Dastardly's backyard for the BBQ and down-downs.

They were serenaded by a choir — Bobbin, Inspector Butt and Shutter Slut — that had unsuccessfully sought to serve as Sir Paul McCartney's opening act before 200,000 drunk Quebecors at a free concert at the Plains of Abraham in Quebec City.

The hash choir even invited Sir Paul to perform at Dastardly's, but the ex-Wings guy decided dining on frog was more fun.

RA Dr. Fill ignored the mosquitoes long enough to hand out a series of down-downs, based on his exacting standards, whatever they may be.

• Flat won the Hash Thingy and kept it for 38.6 seconds, until Sticky Lips' hash dog Oreo, showing previously unknown lesbian tendencies, stalked and chased a pussy up the deck stairs. Luckily for the cat, it escaped, unlike Sticky, who got the Hash Thingy instead.
   
• Krusty actually remembered to bring the Baby Plunger, unlike Skewbic, who has the bigger one but seems to have a mental block about it. Either that, or a deeply weird attachment to it.

  Krusty somehow managed to avoid a down-down for actually winning a 10.5K R-word in Bragg Creek the previous day, and even beat, er, outkicked, or something, a woman to do it.
   

• Clueless was having trouble keeping her clothes on, for some reason or other. Enough said about that. She also beat out Pyro's rather risque T-shirt for best headlights, or something like that.
   
• Four or five hashers — their names weren't duly noted — drank for showing blood on trail, which is pretty much a typical number for a Dastardly hash.
   
• Skewbic managed to make it out of Redwood Meadows without getting his new Beemer wagon keyed or stolen. Next on the agenda: Giving parking lessons to Sucks Everything, who got his operator's licence from the Stevie Wonder Driving School and sees nothing wrong with parking the wrong direction.
   
• Kebab got two down-downs for various offences, but her greatest accomplishment was making it across the river without dropping or losing the camera. Well done.
   
• Snevil's 12-year-old son, whose name won't be used in case Alberta family services becomes alarmed, horrified his mother when he did a down-down faster than most adults. The rumour that was it just Sprite turned out to be just that, a rumour.

  On the bright side, there were no indications that Snevil made the kid drive home.
   

• Shutter Slut tried to auction off — translation: obtain bribe money — for dropping Snowplow into the river. He gave up after the bidding only reached 25 cents.

The hash was a final farewell for GM Big Country and Snowplow, aka the Bulgarian Princess, who are heading to Washington, D.C. for a year, then it's off to Moldova — where? — for three years.

In true Princess fashion, Snowplow gets to fly to DC with the kids, while poor, poor Big Country is forced to eat Longview Beef Jerky and stay in Motel 6's — they'll leave the light on for you — on a five-day drive mostly across Nowheresville.

He's really looking forward to seeing the sights of North Dakota, which actually has no sights. But at least it'll be a good warmup for Moldova, which doesn't have any sights either.

Until we meet again ...

On-On!

Duke of Hurl

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