Run #1399 - Proctologist Pull Out

June 9, 2008

Hares: Dr Fill
Where: Kits on 16th, 720 16th Ave NW
Big Rock: The Choice of Calgary Hashers!
Attendance: 25

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It wasn't as though a little rain and a smattering of hail during the Umpteenth Anal Proctologist Run was unprecedented, or anything even remotely close.

Why, back in June 1947, there was the 500-year flood in which the Bow River overflowed and inundated Cowtown, causing hashers to narrowly avoid getting swept away in the raging waters.

In June 1973, a freak snowstorm turned into a massive blizzard that buried Calgary under 92cm of white stuff, meaning Dreary's then-new Little Red Clown Car had trouble making it up to Nose Hill for the start.

And there was the plague of frogs and locusts in June 1981 which covered the southern half of the city, forcing co-hares Dr. Fill, Hardly and On-In to move the hash to a Bridgeland bar.

So it was shocking, stunning, almost inconceivable when the hash was called off in mid-run after 13 seconds of hail followed another of Calgary's innumerable almost-summer rain showers.

Sources said Sticky Lips was afraid she was going to melt. Chick Lick didn't want mascara running down her face. And Skewbic feared that he would get his panties, er, running shorts too wet.

Whatever the reason, solo hare and RA Dr. Fill called on-in, and the pack trudged back to the Kits on 16th bar like dutiful lemmings, more or less. The run was wet and short, but not nearly as short as the recent trail set by Clueless, thank goodness.

Once inside the Kits-cavern, Dr. Fill donned his Viking horns and proceeded to hand out down-down after down-down after down-down. For example:

• Pee-On received her pewter mug for her 100th run, which only took her 17 years to attain. The mug was almost, but not quite, as tall as she is.
   
• Skewbic drank a half-yard for his 400th run, although he claimed he was unprepared to drink it because he forgot it was another milestone for him. No one, though, had to twist his arm or hold a loaded gun on him to get him to drink.

  The half-yard came shortly after he did a regular-sized down-down for claiming full credit for doing almost the entire trail, conveniently forgetting that irascible new mother Wet One also did the route with him.

  Skewbic's "forgetfulness" prompted Wet One to launch into a vicious diatribe against Dr. Fill, who wisely declined to engage The Angry One in a debate.
   

• Dreary and Peeler got down-downs for some sexual offence that involved Peeler bending over to tie her shoes and Dreary, oh, it was only in his wildest dreams, if that, nothing happened.
   
• Just when Dastardly was about to get a whole bundle of sympathy for driving all the way from Redwood Meadows for such a short run, he sheepishly admitted that he only came from a nearby Safeway after he did his grocery shopping.
   
• Sticky Lips finally, finally, finally got rid of the Hash Thingies after having them for eight months and three weeks, give or take. Dr. Fill awarded one to himself after forgetting to call up new boots and archives for down-downs.
   
• Happy Ending missed the hash because she was camping inside some dinosaur museum in Drumheller with a bunch of little kids, although she did send a text message to Snowplow to keep her updated on Badlands happenings.

  If the Calgary Herald has any collective brainpower, it might have a reporter check with RCMP in Drumheller to find out if anything tawdry went on. If it did, it might make a good story.
   

• Booty Camp, who's originally from the Yukon, thought it was cold enough to buy and wear a hash tuque. Or she may have been preparing for her upcoming trip to Whitehorse, since it snowed there earlier in the day.
   
• Brokeback Mount Me, her sister in crime who really, really, really needs a new name, was just sad there was no hash wet t-shirt contest.

Maybe next time.

On-On!

Duke of Hurl

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