Run #1368 - Short, Flat & Frigid

November 26, 2007

Hares: Sticky Lips, Big Woody, and Tender Pecker
Where: Pizza Bob's Classic Pie
Big Rock: AGD and Traditional
Attendance: 29

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On a night that was colder than U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney's heart, Sticky Lips and her Incest Mafia co-hares Big Woody, Woody Woodpecker, Tender Pecker — the names all kinda run together in a blur — set a trail that was short, flat and bleeping frigid.

Probably the smartest hashers were Stranger, who took off the previous day for London — presumably England and not Ontario — and Mucky Dip, who eschewed the hash for a late-night flight to overcast but warm Bermuda.

In other words, the farther away from -14C with a -27C wind chill, the better.

GM Big Country, in a quintessential American move, even went to the trouble of undergoing hernia surgery, which grieving spousal unit Snow Plow said means four weeks of no sex, no driving and no work, just so he wouldn't have to come out in the cold.

Hernia surgery vs. a late November hash in Calgary, hmm, it was a tough call.

But those who did show up bundled themselves to the max and trudged through the hoods west of Kensington and north of Memorial. Luckily, no one had the urge to test the icy-cold waters of the nearby Bow River.

Everyone managed to make it back from the frosty night to Bob's, the pizza place that managed to be ready for us, even though Sticky's contact had taken off for a Mexican holiday and didn't bother to tell anyone else we'd be coming. But all's well that ends well. The pizza was hot and the beer, like the night, was ice cold.

Then there were the atrocities committed during and after on a night that would probably pass for summer in Edmonchuk and Saskatoon, where they'd likely mock Calgary for its weather wussiness:

• The Loving Spouses Award, if there was such a thing, would have ended in a tie between Skewbic and Snow Plow.

  Did Skoob stay home, spending those precious moments with Mucky Dip before she jetted off to the pastel-coloured buildings of Bermuda for a week of frolic in the warmth, er, a week of putting her nose to the grindstone in an endless series of meetings — all for the good of Canadian squash, which apparently is a sport, not a vegetable?

  Uh, no, Skewbic decided to hash, then hang out with his friends afterward, drinking beer and telling tall tales.

  Then there was Ms. Plow, who, after seeing Big Country trudge down the stairs to check email just hours after undergoing surgery, decided he was well enough for her to attend the hash.

  Hey, there were TV dinners in the freezer, and how tough could it be to take care of three small kids, post-op? Hey, on-on, said the anti-Florence Nightingale.
   

• In keeping with the medical theme, Limp Dick, his reconstructed knee and his crutches made a post-run appearance, along with his nurse-driver Billythong. Sure, it was brutally cold, but it was a chance to get out of the house and drink beer. So why not? Besides, hash dog Elwood needed a break.
   
• Hardly and Twisty, the proud parents of a new baby car, finally showed up at a hash after Hardly was chaffeured around most of the weekend while Twisty got a head start on driving the third car she could end up killing. No, the third time's a charm, this one will be different, blah, blah, blah.

  Hardly was getting excited when his undefeated, uh, winless Miami Dolphins were tied 0-0 late in the mudbath of a Monday Night Football game in Pittsburgh. The teams were trying to become the first NFL clubs since 1943 to end 0-0.

  Sadly, Pittsburgh kicked a field goal with 17 seconds left to win 3-0, and Hardly's team dropped to 0-11 — he prefers to think of it as 11-0 — on its march toward infamy.
   

• Noted Blue Bombers aficionado King Shit was still lamenting his native province's loss in the Grey Cup, saying it would have been a different game if Winnipeg's first-string quarterback hadn't broken his arm in the East final vs. Toronto.

  On the bright side, King Shit was happy he wasn't waking up to -22C in Winterpeg or to who knows how low it can go in his Thompson, Manitoba, hometown.
   

• Thunder Tits and Inspector Butt managed to show up in what could have been their last hash, or one of their last, before tying the knot in warm and sunny Maui. They figured they could endure one night of suffering in the Calgary cold, while visions of endless beaches and fruity umbrella drinks danced in their heads.

  Couldn't we all?

Duke of Hurl

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