Run #1359 - Black Squirrel Stew

October 1, 2007

Hares: Dreary, Mum & Jaws
Where: Fish Creek Park at end of Elbow Drive
On-In: On The Rocks Pub and Grill, 1065 Canyon Meadows Drive SW
Big Rock: $10 jugs!
Attendance: 33

Click here for Photos!

With visions of black squirrel stew dancing in their heads, the co-hares — think a sick and twisted Canadian version of Jed Clampett, Jethro and Granny — decided it'd be a good idea to race the dwindling daylight on a romp through the Fish Creek Park backwoods.

"Wheee doggies, them's good eating, ain't they, Jethro?" Dreary as Jed said wistfully, as they scoured the underbrush along Fish Creek for suppertime vittles, while Granny Mum led a group of walkers out of harm's way.

But Jethro Jaws was too busy trying to figure out if the Scouts already were chowing down on some wild critters atop a check, so he was only able to mutter an unintelligible something that even lame- duck R.A. Skewbic and his Magic Chicken couldn't decipher.

Nothing could stop Jed and his kin from their appointed rounds — not fading daylight, not critters big or small, not even Elly May having mysteriously gone missing a few days earlier.

Wet One turned down a chance to serve as a stand-in for the Hillbillies Hot One, opting instead to grade schoolwork in the pickup truck before the hash began. How she avoided a down-down for that, no one knows.

There was no cement pond, just the chilly waters of Fish Creek. Snevil didn't quite measure up to Miss Jane Hathaway, in more ways than one, wink, wink. And Hardly's too nice a guy to play a convincing Mr. Drysdale, the greedy banker.

Nonetheless, the Clampett clan showed up at Fish Creek Park in their little red clown car, not the Hillbilly-mobile, to set a trail in an attempt to beat Mother Nature before the evening's light gave out.

Had to get started at 7:05, no questions asked. There was all sorts of bushwhacking, the aforementioned Scouts and their bemused and/or horrified parents, water crossings, underbrush, green slimy rocks in the water, you name it.

Everyone eventually found their way to the end without encountering bears, cougars, coyotes, deer or any other critter that might end up as a delicacy at the Clampett clan's dinner table.

Thank heavens for small favours.

Hashers then retired to the nearby bar with a new name, where Skewbic — who, with his orange-red braids, was a dead ringer for the dork on the Wendy's commercial — managed to make it through one of his last nights as RA. Let the countdown continue:

• Baby drank a half-yard for his 450th run, which only took the fair-weather hasher 54 years to reach, or so it seemed. He downed the beer like a trouper, then almost sagged to his knees, either in relief or drunkenness.
   
• Hottie drank for her 250th and Clueless, the potential RA-in- waiting, for her 50th. Luckily for them, they only did a teeny, tiny beer, as opposed to a half yard.
   
• Xena and Cheap Whine were among those cited for not getting their shoes wet, playing their princess roles to the hilt by not crossing the creek. Big Country and Dastardly reportedly also were among the Water Wussies.
   
• Bulgarian Princess Snow Plow committed some sort of fashion offence — what's new? — by having socks that matched something or other, and a shirt that matched Big Country's pants. She's just getting warmed up for next spring Milan fashion show, but drank anyway.
   
• Rubber Made bravely carried on in the choir, even after she learned earlier in the day that her idol, musical and otherwise, Britney Spears, lost custody of her two adorable little accidents. A visibly distraught Ms. Made sang loudly, mostly about (surprise) penises, to mask her grief.
   
• Sadly, Just Shelley failed in her quest to attend 100 hashes without getting named, coming up 94 or so short. Skewbic and the chicken named her Fourgasm, which either involves crossing Fish Creek four times or something that can't be mentioned in polite company.
   
• In other sad news, Twisty wound down her career at the Twistydome, aka the new name for the Saddledome, with a Def Leppard and Styx concert. Twisty heard Styx, but values her hearing, so she made herself scarce during Def Leppard, and didn't even check to see if they still had the one-armed drummer.

  The show's highlight was an aging rocker groupie couple doing the Big Nasty in a Dome suite, which horrified a new employee to no end — and made Twisty even happier that she was leaving.
   

• Long-lost Dirty Girl finally made an appearance, as did Bum Titty —although as best anyone can tell, it was pure coincidence. Mr. Titty's excuse was marital bliss, although Hottie declined comment. It was unclear what Dirty Girl's alibi was, although it could have involved consuming mass quantities of alcohol — or not.
   
• Hash Test and Auntie Frank made a quick exit so they could experience the fine Corinthian leather, or something, of a car they just got to replace the one that rumour has it was doused with gasoline and torched in their bucolic hood.

  The latest car can hold up to five bodies in the trunk, which makes it rather popular on the mean streets of Calgary. Gang bangers, take note.
   

• Big Country learned that life at the top of the hash food chain can be a tough gig, lamenting that hardly anyone wants to talk to him since he's been trying to cajole hashers into serving as hares.

  As a secret weapon, he probably could have U.S. Homeland Security, the CIA and the U.S. Army Special Forces backing him up after just a phone call or two. So cooperate with the Grand Master, or else.

Y'all come back now, hear?

ON ON!
Duke of Hurl

Click here for Photos!