Run #1358 - Yummy Kipper Erections (Fish with Boners?)

September 17, 2007

Hare: Twisted Sister, Hardly
Where: Kits on 16th, 720 16th Ave NW
Big Rock: Cheap and wet, with big jugs!
Attendance: 46

Click here for Photos!

In a stunning upset that sent shock waves from British Columbia to Hogtown to the Atlantic provinces, the Calgary hash's bright, shiny, new Grand Master is, gasp, an American.

Big Country and First Lady Snow Plow, the colour-coordinated Bulgarian princess, hope to rival Stephen Harper and whatever his wife's name is as Canada's leading power couple — and perhaps supplant Pierre and Margaret Trudeau in the annals of history in the Great Big North.

It's as though Dubya and Laura Bush moved to Canada, perish the thought. Or think Bill and Hillary Clinton, although Big Country is actually married to a practicing heterosexual. Or perhaps JFK and Jackie Kennedy without that whole bullet holes in Dallas thing.

Whatever the comparison, this is big.

Big Country won after he promised that he wouldn't conduct a Bush-like administration, dedicated to bumbling, stumbling, invading other countries and imposing his will on unwilling people.

Like most tin-pot political leaders, Big Country promises no massive changes in the leadership and operation of the Calgary hash. Then again, you never know. Here's a closer look at the leader:

• First of all, he's 6-feet-47, so he could rule by sheer intimidation, especially over the Little People such as Snevil and Pee-On. They can be feisty, but may get overrun by Big Country's size advantage. In some cases, size is important.
   
• BC's still trying to learn the differences between Canadian Thanksgiving and U.S. Thanksgiving. He knows one's on the second Monday of October and the other is the fourth Thursday of November, but that's about as far as it goes. He's still trying to figure out on which one he needs to show up for work, if at all.
   
• He's a definite sports nut — who else would sit out in the windy, freezing cold and watch the Calgary Vipers last home playoff game — but has yet to learn the nuances of Canada's national sport. No, not curling or beer drinking, but, of course, hockey. He was heard to ask "Is it hockey season already?" — which is a terrible, and terribly dangerous, thing to wonder in Canada. It's always hockey season. But he'll learn.
   
• His vast international experience — Nigeria, Bulgaria, the Middle East, Canada — should help his diplomatic skills in dealing with a sometimes-rowdy group of hashers. Or possibly not.
   
• On the bright side, the chances of his wardrobe being even .0000000001 percent as garish and hideous as ex-GM Dreary's are virtually nil — not with fashion-plate princess Snow Plow helping him dress. Thank goodness for big favours.

So Big Country will run the circle and do whatever GM's do, maybe browbeating unwilling hashers into becoming hares. The new RA will be chosen soon to replace the often-absent Skewbic and his rubber chicken, and the hash will go on.

Big Country's selection was the big news coming out of the umpteenth annual Yummy Kippers Jewish Fish run from hash bar standby Kits on 16th, hared by the always lovely and gracious Twisty and Hardly.

Hashers followed the fishy trail around the shotgun shacks in nearby hoods, dodged construction on 16th Avenue and found their way back to the bar, where Skewbic conducted business in a zoo-like atmosphere with his usual elan and aplomb, whatever those words mean. For instance:

• The happy couples, Mr. and Mrs. Skully and Mr. and Mrs. Tastes Like Chicken, were honoured with a down-down for their recent nuptials, and for still being married. LJ showed particular taste and class by bringing Skully to the hash on their honeymoon. When you think LJ, you think hopeless romantic.
   
• The old mismanagement and new mismanagement got free beer, for whatever reason, probably not deserved. Sucks Everything's name was in the hat for almost every position, and he even ended up with a couple, although he wasn't sure what they were.
   
• A mystery hasher, who'd been to 27 runs or something without getting a name, got a down-down and was named Ho Ho's, which has something to do with Holistic Hooters, or maybe not. Ho Ho's also got another down-down for her Special Olympics-like performance in the bum titty song, along with Jamie. The Bum Titty Police can be a tough audience to fool. Maybe the Calgary Police Service should take notes.
   
• The long-lost Rag Head and Clueless did a down-down after it was learned that Mr. Head was giving crotch rocket, er, motorcycle lessons to Clueless without each knowing that the other was a hasher.

  

  Let's all hope Clueless shows more intelligence when driving.
   

• Rubber Made was unusually subdued, mourning the passing of her hero, French mime Marcel Marceau. Ms. Made was crestfallen that Marceau, as he lay dying, called for help for 30 minutes — but his pleas went unheeded. She was also sad that Marceau was gone for an hour before paramedics figured out it wasn't part of his act.
   
• Just Shelley managed to avoid getting named, again — despite pleas from Cheap Whine to Skewbic that it happen right now. Next time, Skewbic said, next time. Promises, promises, or perhaps promises broken from Mr. Lame Duck RA? Guess we'll see.

By the end of the night, the beer was drunk, the little cheese fishies and chicken wings were eaten and the hash was about to embark on its next chapter.

Big Country was thinking about delivering a State of the Hash Union speech, but Snow Plow had to go home and paint her nails.

ON ON!
Duke of Hurl
(with inspiration from Mother Teresa)

Click here for Photos!