Run #1353 - Annual Beer & Chili Fartorama

August 20, 2007

Hares: Jaws
Where: Fish Creek park - Glenfield
On-In: Dreary & Mum's
Big Rock plus Dreary's raspberry home-brew
Attendance: 27

Click here for Photos!

Dreary and Mum's 432nd Annual Chili Belch-A-Rama and Raspberry Swill Fest possesses a long and colourful history, and has served as a key factor in Canadian life. For example:

• After an especially grueling night worshipping at the altar of the Porcelain Gods, a youthful Stephen Harper swore he'd dedicate his life to public service if he was just allowed to survive the five-alarm chili. The rest, as they say, is Canadian history.
   
• A teen-age Wayne Gretzky's budding hockey career was nearly de-railed by an incredibly spicy pre-game Mum's chili meal before the World Junior Championships in the 1970s. Luckily, the Great One persevered and went on to become a hockey god and husband of an alleged gambler.
   
• Well-known politicos Ralph Klein and Mayor Bronco Dave said they'd rather take 27 pies in the face than try to eat even one more bowl of Mum's vegetarian chili. Splat, and it was done.
   
• History says the chili and home brew were even behind the disagreements between Hudson's Bay Company and the North West Company when they set up rival fur trading posts in Rocky Mountain House oh so long ago. Hudson's Bay preferred mild while North West personnel wanted spicy, and the brouhaha ensued.

And the history continues today, as hashers gathered on a lovely August evening in Fish Creek Provincial Park to navigate a trail set by co-hare spawns Jaws and Tarzan before heading to the Burp Emporium for more punishment. For instance:

• Was it chili and homebrew that sparked Tarzan's mysterious Barry Bonds-like growth spurt? What else could explain how Tarzan grew a foot and added 50 pounds of muscle in six months? Was it food, or Bonds' chemist? Hmm.
   
• In defense of the food and beer, it had no apparent effect on Jaws, who mortified Guest R.A. Lumberjack with his skinniness while plopping down on a bag of ice with his pants partially pulled down for some offence or other.
   
• Lumby ruled hash business with an iron tampon, er, fist — giving out down-downs faster than a meter maid on crystal meth. But after eating the chili, he's also reportedly considering serving Pepto-Bismol punch at his impending nuptials (pronounced nooptials) to the suddenly missing Skully.
   
• Rumours persist that Dr. Fill and Chick Lick plan to ditch their day jobs to travel North America as spokesmodels for the Raspberry Swill brand, which will be marketed in seven provinces and 45 states. Dr. Fill and Ms. Lick are reportedly in high-level negotiations with Dreary on a compensation package, free beer being a sticking point and a possible dealbreaker.
   
• Dr. Fill and Gumbo denied the beer and chili played any role in their shiny domes, which, if it wasn't a cloudy evening, would have sent Chick Lick scurrying to her SUV for sunglasses, or so she claimed.
   
• Snow Plow, aka Bulgarian Cheerleader Barbie, thought she was going to a formal dinner at the U.S. Consulate in downtown Calgary, but was only slightly disappointed to end up in a backyard in Shawnessy. Big Country denied any role in how Snow Plow was dressed, mumbling something about plausible deniability.
   
• Sucks Everything got a down-down for asking, just before crossing the rushing waters of Fish Creek: "Are the rocks slippery?". Little did he know that Jaws and Tarzan ordered special non-slip rocks from a nearby Canadian Tire store.

  It was Sucks' most-incisive question since he asked "Did I win? What did I win?" when he won the MVP award at the Special Olympics Baseball World Series in 1982 — which was the one where the batting tee actually pitched a perfect game.
   

• The chili and beer even attracted the long-lost Lamb Loins, despite the rumour that he doesn't drink beer. Lamby was fairly quiet and rather subdued, proving once again, if you take your meds, miracles can happen. But they won't help an almost unintelligible New Zealand accent.
   
• The beer also enabled Snow Plow and Cheap Whine to make it through the Bum Titty song without screwing up royally. They managed to complete the entire song without Lumberjack nailing them for coordination violations. Well done, ladies.
   
• The spawn of Clueless became McZiggy McSomething-Or-Other Jr., which had nothing at all to do with beer, and probably not chili either.
   
• The fete was also a good sendoff for Dreary, Mum, Hardly and Twisty on their impending trip to what's left of Mexico after Hurricane Dean gets through with it. They figured the Pacific side, where they're headed, might be the only side left.

Buuurrrppp.

ON ON!
Duke of Hurl

Click here for Photos!