Run #1334 - Tittiebum Tax Tips

April 30, 2007

Hares: Krusty — Live Hare!
Where: Friar's - Glenmore Landing, 1600 - 90th Avenue SW
Big Rock: every 5th Jug was free!
Attendance: 43

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In innumerable Alberta households, tax time is a national day of mourning, maybe only rivaling the day the Flames get eliminated from the NHL playoffs, or the Oilers don't make it at all.

But not in the Land of Skewbic, who has never met a tax writeoff he didn't like.

After deftly handling hash business with the skill of a surgeon — assuming the doctor was doing crystal meth and sucking on laughing gas — Skoob graciously agreed to share his Tax Tips From Skewbic for the hash masses, who had gathered at Friar's in Glenmore Landing on a mild Tax Day night.

For anyone who wants more information, they'll be able to find the treasure trove of Skoob-tips on DVD at Blockbuster starting June 1, as well as a late-night infomercial that will run all through the summer and fall on CBC and CTV. Here's a sneak preview:

• Newly named Princess Titty Bum's golden slippers, which she claims to use for work and hashing, are a definite write-off, Skewbic says. So is any medical treatment she'll have for any blisters or injuries the slippers may cause. Just for the record, Princess Titty Bum is no relation to Bum Titty, although further research may be necessary, in case of some ancestral rendezvous in 1898 in Saskatchewan, or something like that.
   
• The chalk Krusty uses while doing a live hare, as well as any shoes he blows out while speeding along to set trail, should definitely be a tax break, Skoob says. So is any post-run food, wings or otherwise, Krusty eats in an attempt to get a stereotypical plumber's body. So far, he's been a dismal failure.
   
• Party Pumper's collection of past issues of Lithuania on $10 a Day, write it down. Same goes for Randy Bastard's library of Libya's Funniest Home Videos and the Libyan version of Cops, which is actually pretty bloody and gruesome, not to mention X-rated.
   
• Twisty's earplugs for when she works particularly loud Saddledome concerts are a big yes. So is the gas that Hardly wastes while waiting on Deerfoot Trail for the huge accident to clear, which makes him late to the hash, which makes Dreary use chalk to mark the right way, etc. etc.
   
• Spreadworthy and Dirty Girl want to write off any major shopping sprees, no matter if they're in Calgary, Edmonton, Great Falls or points in between, not that there's much between those places. Spreadworthy will also write off her share of the cost of a huge motor home or monster vehicle for an upcoming shopping trip to exotic Great Falls, which is in Montana and actually has an international airport, for some reason.
   
• Dreary's collection of garish running tights and clothing, yep. But Whale Wanker's tiny running shorts from 1982 may already have depreciated, an issue which Skewbic said he'd take under advisement and issue a ruling later.
   
• Rubbermade's penis earrings, penis necklaces and penis bracelets, as well as other penis paraphernalia, are all OK under the Skewbic Tax Writeoff Plan. It's unclear what Bobbin may be able to write off.
   
• Chick Lick's claims that she actually reeled in two tunas in Baja, as opposed to just buying them at the Baja Tuna Store, are also allowable deductions.
   
• The tiny amount of beer that Blue Balls downed for his 750th run, leaving the Beer Ho, aka King Shit, to polish off the half yard, it's a deduction.
   
• The gas that Dr. Fill, Pyro, Lumberjack and Skully used to get to Edmonton for the Red Dress Run, which donates tons o' cash to charity, is a big yes. So are hotel, food and beer money.
   
• The sometimes-questionable trips to garden spots such as Colombia and South Africa that Mucky makes for the, wink, wink, Canadian squash program, are a definite thumbs up. In these cases, squash is not a vegetable.

You can find these, as well as many more tax tips, in the DVD and infomercial. Operators are standing by, right now. So have your credit card handy.

ON ON!
Duke of Hurl

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