Run #1325 - The Hash's Ultimate Trouper

February 26, 2007

Hare: Suck No Evil
Where: Garrison Pub & Eatery, 2048 42 Ave SW
Big Rock: Burger & a Big Rock for $6.... mmmmmmmmmmmm!
Attendance:

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It's probably safe to say that no hare in the illustrious history of the Calgary hash ever has overcome more obstacles than Snevil did to set a trail on a snowy night in toney Garrison Woods. Or she's at least honourable mention. For instance:

The day before the hash, Snevil set what she considered the perfect trail, the route to end all routes — one which would challenge the acumen of even the most experienced hashers, was eco-friendly and met the strict standards of Life in Garrison Woods.

But then the 10 percent chance of snow became 100 percent, and, poof, the trail was gone.

But no worries, Snevil could just set another, right? She had more than 24 hours. Well, not exactly.

Snevil, you see, spent all day Monday, aka Hash Day, in bed recovering from the ravages of the Anna Nicole Smith-inspired breast augmentation surgery.

She was fine over the weekend, but when Monday morning rolled around she was in a daze that would have made the late Anna Nicole, God rest her drug-addled soul, extremely proud.

Too weak even to show up for work, Snevil stayed in bed, comforted only by an array of electronic devices. Sure, it was simply things such as a laptop, cell phone and all sorts of wireless gadgetry — but that was only to fool her boss into thinking she was working.

In reality, during the time Snevil moved in and out of consciousness, she fielded phone calls from Playboy, Penthouse and Maxim — all of whom had heard about her stunning transformation from waif to mega sex bomb.

When she stopped taking calls, the bidding had already spiraled to $500,000 US.

It was getting late in the day, 5 p.m. actually, but Snevil was still in bed and there was still a trail to set. So Snevil dragged herself out of bed and traipsed her way around the Woods, only to find telephone and light poles that weren't exactly strategically placed.

Again, the hash's Ultimate Trouper looked at it as a challenge and an opportunity, not a problem. So the trail was laid, and everyone made it back to the Garrison Bar, where the Uber-Hare then managed to operate the A-Hole-O-Meter while Skewbic tried to explain to Mucky Dip, who'd been freezing in Whitehorse for four days, why all the hoidy-toidy beer was gone from their fridge.

And a good time was had by all. In other, non-Snevil-related business:

• Dr. Fill was forced to drink because his car alarm and lights went off in the parking lot, destroying the serenity of the neighbourhood. In his defense, the alarm sounding might not have been his fault.
   
• GiggleGasm 2007 was back after a one-week hiatus when D-Cup turned beet red and took 6:27 for a down-down for some minor offence.
   
• Dastardly was nailed in absentia for showing up late to the circle, which upset the chronically late Skewbic no end. In Dastardly's defence, he didn't drive through the circle like Skewbic does, but that didn't matter. Well-known Beer Ho King Shit gamely agreed to drink in Dastardly's place.
   
• The Gone and the Is She Ever Leaving — aka Lady Licked a Lot and Lakey — were toasted for their impending departures, the former to Vancouver and the latter to Victoria. Lady took a job in Calgary last year, but spent most of her time on the road in Connecticut and who knows where else, which wasn't fair to her dog, which is why she's packing up and apparently taking a non- traveling job in Vancouver. Lakey, who's been leaving for the past six months and has done all the down-downs to prove it, is still milking the Streisand-like goodbye tour for two more weeks, or so she says.
   
• Duke of Hurl drank for paying $3 hash cash in nickels, dimes and quarters, but only because he forgot to drive to the bank in the blinding snowstorm. It was also too snowy for the American to drive to Fish Creek Bottle Depot, which rivals Disneyland as the Happiest Place on Earth. So couch cushions it was.
   
• Second-time hashers Jan and Carolin were highly impressed that attending the hash would allow them to wear really hideous clothes left over from the 80s without being too embarrassed. Plus, anything they wore couldn't be as bad as Dreary's ensemble. Carolin even promised to wear her Olivia Newton-John-inspired tights and leg warmers, Let's Get Physical and all that.
   

In a stunning development, the bar manager was highly pleased with hosting the group of reprobates, er, the hash, and said we could come back anytime. Unfortunately, Snevil, in her only faux pas all night, didn't get that in writing.

On On!
Duke of Hurl

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