Run #1320 - This Run: Sucks, Shit

Punctuation is more important than ever

January 22, 2007

Hares: Sucks Everything and King Shit
Where: Studio Cafe - TigerSteidt Block, 922 Centre St NE
Big Rock: $12 + tip per jug
Attendance: 34

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Imagine for a moment, if you will, a hash trail laid by two very special — in a little yellow school bus sort of way — Special Olympians with attention deficit disorder.

"Hi, I'm Garry and this is Mikie, our real names are Sucks Everything and King Shit, but you already knew that, didn't you? We're here to set a trail, ooh, look at all the brights lights and pretty colours on the downtown buildings. Bright lights and pretty colours fascinate us.

"There's probably some ice on the roads and stuff, but don't worry, we won't take you up any icy hillsides or bluffs, oh, wait, yes we will. We won't put a checkback in the middle of the stairs above the curling club, or maybe we will.

"It's funny and fun watching people meander down one icy hillside near the Centre Street bridge and back up the other stairs, isn't it?

Ooh, look, let's run through Chinatown, or at least near it, then go through Eau Claire Market. It's my favourite place to shop and really needs more customers. Didn't the hashers kinda double the market's customer traffic?

"Look, there's the salsa studio. I love to dance. I dance all the time, dance, dance, dance. What's that incessant squeaking? Oh, that's Lamb Loins and his squeaky toy on the Hash Thingy, acting as though he's smart and funny. He's not smart and funny, just annoying.

Will you kill him — or at least beat him — for us, King Shit? Please?

"Where's the playground? Oh, there it is. Swing, swing, swing. Swinging is fun. Where's the bar? We've got to find our way back to the bar. Oh, there it is."

Use your imagination, and the hash sort of could have been like that, maybe, on a mild yet often-icy late January night. Back at the Studio Cafe, a venerable Centre Street NE hole-in-the-wall, more or less, hash business commenced. For instance:

• RA Skewbic was a surprise arrival, cutting short his business trip to India, or Indiana, or somewhere, so he could wear the Viking horns again. Skewbic denied rumours that he was planning to convert to Buddhism and that he rejected job offers to become a maintenance supervisor at the Taj Mahal or a call centre executive. Skewbic also figured he couldn't move permanently to India because his knees couldn't handle all the squatting the India-oids do, for whatever reason. On the bright side, Skewbic would be considered a really good driver in Delhi.
   
• King Shit performed a vital public service, at least part of the time, when he put Lamb Guts in a choke hold in an attempt to quell the incessant squeaking of the toy Lambie put on the Hash Thingy. Wet One rejected an offer of 25 cents, then a loony, to do the same thing.

  
   

• Jake the Slippery Snake Person was honoured for his 200th run with a half-yard down-down and an unembroidered jacket that may get embroidered sometime in the next decade or two. Duke of Hurl was cited for his 100th run, getting a lovely $300 mug, which only took since 1995 to attain. Then again, Duke traveled from the States for his first 26 or 28 Calgary hashes, only to make sure that he was collecting enough Kansas and Kentucky clothing to irritate those in Canuckistan.
   
• Long-lost Dixie Cup, or D-Cup for short, made her first appearance since the Robbie Burns Haggis Fest. She claimed that she waited so long because she was still undergoing Pepto-Bismol IV treatments to eliminate the haggis residue from her system.
   
• Twisty and Clueless were extremely sad that Denny Doherty's death meant there's only one Mama from the Mamas and Papas still alive. One-time concert insider Twisty was trying to confirm rumours that surviving Mama Michelle Phillips had offers to do a stadium and arena tour with either three cardboard cutouts, or Paul and Ringo, in an attempt to squeeze every last dollar out of the Mamas and Papas franchise.

  A visibly distraught Clueless said: "If Mama Cass had given Karen Carpenter just half that ham sandwich, they'd both be alive today."

  All the leaves are brown ....

On On!
Duke of Hurl

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