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By the time the Hangover Hash-Dog Hash segment of the Calgary hash's
Stampede weekend rolled around at 11 a.m. Sunday, River Cove in
Kananaskis Country was pretty much a proverbial ghost town.
No signs of drunken silliness. No bawdy songs echoing in the trees.
No one left lingering at a campsite in a stupor. And best of all, no
one eaten by a bear.
No, life in the idyllic setting along the fast-running and cold Elbow
River had pretty much returned to some sense of normalcy -- which was
pretty amazing, considering that 50-something hashers from all over
the place converged on River Cove for a weekend of beer, food,
running, walking, bushwhacking and more beer.
They traveled to 10 kilometers west of Bragg Creek from nearby
Calgary, but also Red Deer, Edmonton, British Columbia, Redwood
Meadows and even El Paso, which apparently is somewhere in West Texas.
Here are some snapshots and questions about the Stampede hash
weekend:
- Was that really fresh berry-laden bear scat, which apparently is a
nice way of saying poop, along the trail? Or was it actually some
sort of chocolate-and-fruit dessert concocted by Master Chef Whale
Wanker?
Co-hares Mydol, Hardly and Pylon, er, Pyro did a creditable job in
the circle of warning the pack about bear poop, but was it really
true? Hmmm.
- Why did Sucks Everything seem to relish -- and for way too long --
wearing Skully's mini-dress and a wig? Sucks also seemed rather adept
at stuffing the false breasts into his dress, as well as other
feminine moves. Scary indeed.
- Did Jake actually take a tree branch across the face? Or did he
really get into a knife fight with O.J. Simpson? Inquiring minds.
- What was Dastardly doing with all those kids on trail? Were they
all his? Did he pick them up on the short drive from Redwood Meadows?
Or was he just too cheap to hire a babysitter?
- Why was a certain Red Deer visitor, who shall remain unidentified
to protect him from ridicule and contempt, wearing his dinner on his
shirt? The pork was dead when it hit his plate, so it wasn't as
though the poor pig crawled onto his shirt on its own.
- Did vertically challenged Hottie actually shrink even more during
the dozen or so cold water crossings? By the end, it seemed that
water that was reaching other hashers' knees was going over Hottie's
eyebrows.
- Did Elsie, who got suckered by a begging Dreary into being the
Alouette victim, actually enjoy her moment on the stage, or in the
circle around the campfire, or whatever it'd be called? She re-
appeared late on Sunday for the dog hash, so she couldn't have hated
it too much.
- Did the Edmonton contingent, which included Finger Food, Creamy
Mouthful and ZZ Stop, drink an entire keg by themselves -- or did it
just seem that way? They seemed remarkably well behaved for a group
from the City of Champions, which must have meant they were up to
something.
- Was Lady Licked a Lot's father, John, a distinguished gentleman
originally from Scotland, totally mortified by attending the hash?
Not really, John said with a chuckle, although it does give a view of
the other side of life.
- Were White Balls and Lamb Chop really discussing economics and
Canadian trade policies while traipsing through the woods searching
for trail? Yes, they were, and, as proof that justice actually does
sometimes exist in some form, they were forced to drink a down-down
for it.
Or perhaps the punishment should have been they couldn't do a down-
down.
- Did Luna, Rocky, Blue, Oreo, Shadow, Sal, Chase or any of the other
hounds at the dog hash find any bodies on trail? Fortunately, no.
They did an excellent job sweeping parts of the trail, as well as
splashing in the river -- although some dog-hating hashers might
disagree.
Their spiritual leader, Elwood, was too tired from weekend partying
and eating and begging for food, and was a no-show at the dog hash.
- How did Rubber Made manage to keep her voice, as well as her
sanity, during the marathon hash business session? Or was the gift
of the ring shaped like a penis enough to keep her going?
- What was the real meaning of the Weight Watchers hat that Duke of
Hurl was wearing? Was it some sort of cult or clandestine terrorist
organization, or simply just a weight-loss group? Before and after
drinking a down-down for it, Duke declined comment, which deepened
the mystery.
- Where did the fisherman, who was entering the River Cove gate just
as the dog hash was ending, get that "I'm Gumby Dammit" fishing
outfit? Did he actually pay money for it? Or did he just steal it
from a drunken hasher?
Or, most importantly, would Sucks have liked wearing it?
On On!
Duke of Hurl
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