Run #1044 - Pierced and Frigid

April 22, 2002

Hares: Ben Wa, Specimen, and Jake the Snake
Where: Moustache Pete's, 5149 Country Hills Blvd NW
Attendance: 47

Monday afternoon. The sun is shining and it's warm - that is it's above freezing. My computer goes BOING! Ah - new email arrives. I read I need you - NOW! I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. What's this? A new boot needing directions to tonight's trail? Maybe needing something even more interesting? I quickly surf over to OnOn.org/asm. There is the run location, finally. Now I have the run location and this email, the evening is looking up. I quickly hit reply on my email and send of the location for the trail - Mustache Pete's. What - another run in the Arctic Circle!? Oh well, with the potential promise from my email, I figure I may as well pack a lunch and leave the tropics for the run.

I return to the email and read on. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. Wow - now this is really starting to look good. Pity they are using one of those indecipherable email addresses so I don't really know who this is.

It continues. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. Definitely has to be a new boot. What do you mean no one would ever know? Hey - this is the hash! Biggest bunch of gossips you will find anywhere, and they've got this world wide gossip network called hash-l. Hell, just try farting while crossing the waist deep water in the weasel head, and next week while hashing in San Diego some one will yell out when you're introduced in the circle "That's the guy who foamed the swamp with his backside". No one would ever find out my ass. And then how would I explain it to Mum?

I read on. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. Desperate - not sure I like the sound of that. After all, Mum is coming out tonight too. I'm starting to get worried - after all, I don't want to chase away any new boots by being abrupt or rude to them, but how do I handle this if they come on hard and strong in front of Mum? Oh - there goes the alarm on my computer telling me to get the out of the office and go hashing. I click on the print icon and grab the message off the printer as I head out the door. I fold it up and stuff it in a pocket. I can read the rest of it later.

Walking out of the building I almost stop dead in my tracks. What happened to the sun? Where did all these clouds come from? Damn - it's starting to rain. Now hashing down south in the tropics in rain is a lot of fun - just adds to the shiggy. But we're up in the Arctic Circle AGAIN, and it will probably be snowing up there. Damn! We've had too much snow this spring. I'm ready for some warmth, and it's always a good 5 degrees colder in that frozen north where the jet stream almost lifts you off your feet. Well, I want to go hashing tonight and the Fish Creek H3 isn't running, so I guess I'll have to head north, again.

I get home, quickly change, pack a shag bag, and head to the car. Mum already has Jaws and Sir Edmund Hillary in the car to drop them off at cadets; I head for the car, and then quickly dive back into the house. I have to read the rest of that email before the hash. Got to find out what pleasures or horrors await before we get there. Maybe it's signed and I can find out who it's from!

As we drive north, it does start snowing. In fact, it's really coming down. Visibility is down to 50 feet, and there are big fluffy white flakes everywhere. Mum is busy navigating rush hour traffic and she is really concentrating with all the snow. In the car, I pull it out while and read further… You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. A lot of nerve? Baby - you've got more nerve that great white sharks at a feeding frenzy. Mum looks over and asks, "Are you coming down with a cold? You're breathing kind of heavy." "Yeah" I reply. "I've been stuffed up all day". Whew - got out of that one.

I see there's only a line left, so I read quickly to get to the end. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so....... Not beat around the bush? If this is beating around the bush, your direct approach must be a tackle, full nelson and pin to submission. I'm glad you're being subtle. Do you have a piece of gum? Nope. Sorry - I'm not a gum chewer.

We arrive at the parking lot. There are about 50 brave souls who also ventured out on this snowy night. Suck No Evil acted as Hash Mattress as our fearless leader (actually, he's not fearless, just extremely slow when it comes to recognizing danger) is down on the other side of the world, in I'm sure much nicer temperatures. Introductions were done, announcements were done, chalk and flour talk was done, and we were off. What can I say about the trail? I recognized that purple house. I recognized that red VW Karmen Ghia without the bumper. I recognized that trail in the gully. Hey - this is the same trail I road on COGS 9 days ago. I may have half a mind, but that half does remember my hash trails. That's about all I have to say about the trail, other than the hare, ON HIS MOUNTAIN BIKE, was ahead of us remarking the trail in blue flour. Should have read the weather forecast!

At the On In the RA's quickly took control. The choir was King Shit, Crust and I Am. Knobby was downed for being last week's scribe, and Doris Day got his 50 run mug. Golden Showers (looking like he was living on the river now) and Shiggy Queen were welcomed back to the hash after their long absence. The hares Jake The Slippery Armpit Snake, (I don't blame Left Bun for shortening that one to just Jake) Ben Wa (notice that there are no balls attached to that name) and Specimen were given the sacred pee bottles to drink out of, to the tune of "It's a Bike Hash After All". Seems I wasn't the only one to notice the similarity to the COGS trail. The hares, trying to appease the mob then handed out prizes. I remember Hardly and Kawky Whoreurrrr receiving condom hats for their cock rings - Oh did I mention it was a nipple ring run with ear-rings being worn by most over their nipples? The tag team RA Buns got hooter pills for having the biggest hooters, P'Tooie got something for pissing off the hares and Ring-A-Dang-a-Doo was recognized for wearing her rings on the inside of her shirt causing multiple orgasms on trail. High Maintenance used her own earrings instead of choosing some from the collection supplied by Specimen. By the way - just where did Specimen get all those nipple rings from anyway? Having run out of prizes the hares tried to escape, but Jake TSAS was called back and presented with the Hash It. The last down-downs were presented to Burning Rubber and One Nut Sue for appearing on TV and talking about running, but never once mentioning the hash. Shame on you two.

The religious service being over, the hash dissolved into groups talking, eating, and discussing the trail. I asked Lakey what she thought of the trail. "Ha, ha, ha" was the response. Read into that one what you want. P'Tooie told me "That was the best COGS trail I've run this month!" A sentiment that seemed to be echoed around the room. I looked over and saw The Body stroking the very top of one of the condom hats with a wistful longing look on her face. I suddenly remembered my email, and after the let down and the sender not identifying herself, I gather up my stuff, grabbed Mum, and we started the long trek back to the tropics, where we could be caressed by warm winds in our hot tub and promises of - well, I think you get the picture.