Hares: Krusty and Veggie Wanker
Where: Darby Arms Pub on MacLeod by the new Wingate Hotel
(MacLeod Tr and 164 Ave S, across from the Famous Players Colliseum)
Attendance: 60
Abridged version. Where's the hash tonight? Check the website. Darby Arms near the new Wingate Hotel opposite the Famous Players Colliseum on MacLeod Trail and 162 Avenue. SE or SW? Who knows? South something. OK. Check the map. Got it. South on the Deerfoot until Summer - no maybe Springtime. Well it's north of Lethbridge anyway. 45 minutes should be enough from downtown. Car started OK after the cold snap. Good! Looks slippery. White knuckling south on the spaghetti trail at 120 klicks. Relax! Enjoy the show. The Calf Robe Bridge a la mode. Semi-trailers in the left lane. Random lane changes by cars at 160 with no signals. Panel vans from hell with no lights. SUVs ready to roll. Wow! I miss all this because I choose to live close to town. Pity! Exit right at Anderson exit. That right, not this right! Get out of the Bow Bottom exit lane! Fast! Whew that was close! Anderson to MacLeod. Left or right? It's left! Damn! Won't somebody let me in? Yes! Left turn on the amber. Merge or die onto MacLeod Trail. Keep right for 162 Ave. There it is! Turn right. There's the Colliseee.... Where's the hotel? It's behind me - across the street! Shit! U turn. Left onto MacLeod. Keep right. Where's the sign? Where's the entrance? Nothing! U turn on MacLeod. Defy killer commuters. Turn left onto 162 Ave. Where's the sign? Where's the entrance? Nothing! Can't see the hotel anymore. Take the first left. Where's the entrance? Must have missed it! U turn. Back to 162 Ave. Turn right. Drive slow. Search for entrance to hotel. There's the hotel! Where's the fucking entrance? U Turn at MacLeod. Drive extra slow along 162 Ave for about a kilometer. There must be a sign! None! Turn left at next light. What's the name of this street? Mid-something. Looks pretty suburban. No sign of a hotel. Go north a few blocks. 7:15! Another U turn. Getting late. Turn right at last unmarked street before 162 Ave. No sign! Can't tell whether this area is residential or commercial. Too far. Must have missed it. Another U turn. It's gotta be back there somewhere. Proceed by dead reckoning. Try the next street, I don't care! Another unmarked intersection. Logic is not important. Turn anyway. Blind curve. A small, snowed-in driveway on the left. It's the only possibility. I don't care about the run anymore! I can park at the Colliseum and walk back. As long as I can get a beer. Look over there on the other side of that darkened building! There they are! Circled up! 7:20! Hey you guys, wait!
You can't start without me! I'm the scribe! Who are these new people? There's Mucky Dip, I thought she was in Toronto. Look at all these people from Lethbridge. Apparently the Lethbridge Running Room is trying to hijack the hash. There's that bald guy talking about hair. Choir Boy! Hares! Where is Krusty? Burning Rubber sure has a nice butt. No Krusty eh! Maybe this is my lucky night, but Veggie Wanker is blocking my view. Maybe he's the bodyguard. Truck backs thru circle to a chorus of Beep! Beep! Beep! Driver gets so flustered he drives off in the wrong direction. See you later. Some chalk marks on rocks. Ya ya seen it before. Where are those rocks? Lite sticks too. Lumberjack hasn't been consulted. He gets no respect. Off we go into traffic. Good thing most of the waivers have been signed.
Where's my GPS? Left, right straight ahead and so on. Lay 'em In Snow provides a handy beacon with Doork's Dog's flashing collar. Good thing I took notes. If I want some readers I'd better mention some people: TNT, 4 Teats, One Nut Sue, Ben Wa, Twisted Sister, Smirk, Mydol, Itsy Bitsy, My Little Pont, Wet One, Kawky Whoureurrrrr, 007, Takes It Lying Down, Tiny Bubbles, Suck No Evil. Now you're all famous and my friends. How about buying me a beer sometime?
Nice bathrooms. Blue Balls finds the food acceptable. Right Bun appoints an All Evil Choir (Suck No Evil, Blow No Evil, Some Other Evil -- ed's note: Squeeze No Evil-- and Hardly Evil). Down downs follow at a dizzying pace. I think Righ Bun needs to pee. The hares: Krusty, Burning Rubber and Veggie Wanker get new sanitary drinking vessels. New boots. Bill is misnamed Don. H.O.T. Dog beats Kawky in a drink-off. Sister Maria is finally united with his 150 run bag. Skin Head makes a feeble attempt at mooning. 007 got hitched. Doris day steals Itsy Bitsy's hash shit and is allowed to keep it. Suck No Evil gets hers from Takes It Lying Down won't swallow.
At midnight a few nights later, Private Stick and I regrouped and looked for some of those naked women from Run #1034. No luck. Afterwards we performed a sacred ritual on the siteof Left Bun and Knobslinger's future home. Nice ravine lot. Private Stick nearly lost his other stick in the process. Our RA's happiness is now assured. That's gotta be worth a lot of free beer.
On On!
Neon Stripper